BOOP
@Pettyyyboop
Followers
5K
Following
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Media
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Statuses
14K
Destroyer of brain cells and houseplants. Word makeupperologist. Relatable.
Joined November 2024
[Takes long drag of cigarette, gestures to my houseplants] . Did you guys die on purpose?.
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I could look you dead in the face and have no idea what the fuck you just told me.
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Imagine hating me and I’m over here picking up objects with my toes.
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My daughter’s boyfriend was complaining about how difficult it is to be a guy. My daughter reached into her purse, pulled out a pad, and said “here, cry into this.”.
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Adult friendships are like, “hey girl, let’s keep rescheduling to hangout until one of us dies.”.
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Just shaved the hair off that big toe. WATCH OUT WORLD, HERE I COME.
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Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.
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My vibrator died, so I’ve gotta do things as my ancestors once did.
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In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
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For the record, this joke was not meant to target men, but to capture my daughter’s quick wit.
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People who wash, fold, and put laundry away all in the same day are serial killers 🤨.
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You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”.
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Most women are just private investigators who aren’t getting paid.
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People who wear jeans for fun around their house have bodies buried in their backyard.
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On my way to a staff meeting. *Silly goose mode turned off, serious goose mode activated.*.
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My daughter told me she got her boyfriend by approaching him to feel his hoodie, and saying “this feels like boyfriend material” and now I don’t know what to do with this information.
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Caught my husband staring at me again. He’s probably weighing his pros and cons.
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I enjoy this time of year because my car chapstick no longer melts.
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Currently helping my husband look for his $20 I spent yesterday.
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“You are a bad ass bitch” I whisper to myself as I’m shaving the hair off my big toe.
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“Microdozing” sounds way cooler than “napping.” . Hey bro, I’m gonna go microdoze. See you in a few.
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[sets phone down]. This movie doesn’t even make any fucking sense.
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Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit? . “Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”.
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Sorry I didn’t answer your call. I was busy taking a test to see which Disney princess I am.
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Welcome to Twitter. Your married soulmate will be assigned to you shortly.
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“Adulthood is so damn hard” I keep whispering to myself as I struggle to open my fucking lunchable.
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Gonna finish eating all these Christmas cookies so I’m no longer tempted to eat them.
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Naked and Afraid because there’s a spider in the shower with me.
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I hope That extra space and unnecessary Uppercase bothers. You,.
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I showed my husband my posts and he didn’t laugh, so I will be back on the market.
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One time I caught an ex going through my phone and all he found were pictures of his credit card information.
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Welcome to adulthood. The only clubbing you’ll be doing is Sam’s.
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You look like someone who made your Barbies’ scissor as a kid.
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at the drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”.
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Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
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My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”.
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They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”.
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Some women be like, “I’m fine,” then end up on a murder documentary.
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Everyday can be a wet t-shirt contest when you’re washing dishes.
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In my photos I appear to look extremely girly, but I am very much Adam Sandler in real life.
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I had two wolves inside me and I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves.
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Before you DM me, just know I look like this naked: . 🙆🏻♀️.(.Y. ). ).( . 🌮.👢👢.
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Brace yourselves for all the dads to say “I’ll see you next year” the last day of December.
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Words like “pianist” are the reasons why I can’t have adult conversations with people.
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I trust no one who doesn’t say “mooooo” anytime they drive by a herd of cows.
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I was trying to sound cool in front of a group of teens, so I told them they were 'insane in the membrane,' and they looked at me like I was 'insane in the brain.'.
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One of my kindergarteners walked in the classroom this morning and said, “I wish I lived in a town where it snowed all the time, but it didn’t have any crackheads.” . Me too, buddy.
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Welcome to adulthood, you now have a favorite brand of ibuprofen.
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Scrolling for my birth year like a contestant on The Price is Right.
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My husband told me to calm down so now I’m writing his obituary.
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Gonna do some bad girl shit as soon as I finish eating my Fruity Pebbles.
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I can’t stand people who require so much validation. Please like and share this if you agree.
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I’m still thinking about that one time I embarrassed myself 20 years ago.
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Ugh those red and blue flashing lights are interfering with my driving and scrolling.
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If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
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