If you picked “covered in baby vomit” - you win the “How Was Our Flight Home?” quiz.

It wasn’t officially my first Dad-Christmas until I used my keys to open a taped box. #Christmas #dad #dadjokes #dadandson

It’s Thursday 2:45 pm and I just found puréed carrot/apple on my forehead. My son hasn’t had carrot/apple purée since Tuesday. So that’s where I’m at these days...

My 6mo old just locked eyes with me while he pooped into a diaper I had literally just changed. In case anyone still wondered who the dominant male in my household was...

Some days I feel like a one-man Infant Montesorri School for my son. And some days I just have to tell myself at least I’m not the mom from Gone Baby Gone. #parenting #Parentfail #comedy #twitterdad

1) Death 2) Taxes 3) No matter when I unload the dishwasher, the @tupperware will still be wet. #constants #comedy #Tupperware

Like my wife mentions, just once in passing, some new thing she thinks might be good for our son. And I’m on Amazon buying it before she’s done talking. But when it comes to breast milk I’m like a background actor in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.

“My dearest Jennifer left home before sunup today, and won’t return until well past sundown. I pray she has left enough sustenance for our young son, Caleb. Else I fear I may be forced to pull from our frozen stock. “

At some point over the last three months, I started treating breast milk like we live in The Territory of Oklahoma in 1892.

A bar that caters to parents: 9am-12pm Nappy Hour - 2 for 1 drinks as long as your kid stays asleep.

I told my wife I was afraid of losing my spot on her apocalypse team. W/o hesitation she said, “you’re still substantially stronger than most people, and I know I can spend a lot of time with you. We’re teammates for life!” In case you were wondering what true love looks like.

“People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. People will forget everything about you. People are forgetful.” - me, forgetting every fact I knew before becoming a parent.

Daylight Saving...? I spend all day at home with a five month old. I never know if it’s 10 AM or February. #DaylightSavingsTime #babies #parenting

“Only weak people need therapy.” From the generation that gave us such gems as - “A case of the Mondays” and “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” #therapy #SundayMotivation

Let’s have kids so we can get wasted on a Friday night and come home to read about the new sleep cycle they’re in...

10:30pm - “Time to get back in shape! I’ll go to sleep now and get up at 5am to work out” 12:30am - (GETS A HAND CRAMP SCROLLING TWITTER)

Last night I unswaddled a sleeping baby just enough to stick a finger up the back of his diaper to check if he needed changing. In case you’re wondering where I’m at these days. #sleep #baby #diaper

I’m “pumped the Monday night Phil Collins concert was over at a reasonable hour” years old. #howoldareyou #PhilCollins

I always eat an extra piece of bread while I’m making a sandwich because screw it, I guess I’m not off carbs today anyway. #DadBod #carboload

I’m just not sure I can respect a creature that has to be taught how to fall asleep. #babies #sleep #SLEEPTOBER