OleSaintPat
@OleSaintPat
Followers
11,773
Following
6,184
Media
103
Statuses
4,581
Former USAF. Former U.S. Ambassador. Netflix Connoisseur. Hoarder of Books. Amateur Chef. Authenticity is key. Or not. Idk anything you stupid cunts.
therapy (hopefully)
Joined May 2011
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
I only follow hot, funny, or broken people.
It’s not important to know which you are.
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If you have that loud keyboard clicking sound enabled on your phone, give me your phone. You don't get a phone.
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471
How illegal is it to whisper "Fuck you" to random, asshole children at Target?
Asking for myself.
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336
Just ordered food at Five Guys. Only two guys working though...
Idk what the fucks about to happen.
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308
My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping they're more brave than I am.
1
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160
Yeah you're cute and all, but will you exchange looks with me when dumb people speak?
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142
What's a weird body part that you get turned on by?
Like me, I love a good clavicle.
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142
Ladies, if a guy sends you an unsolicited dick pic, just send him back the other 30 you received that day.
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131
Everyone has that one food that they don't like. And the fact that you don't like it, tends to offend some people.
Mine is the testicle of Satan, also known as, the tomato.
What is yours?
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7
126
At this point, I'm just looking for someone I can be in bed with at 2am, naked, eating tacos, and taking about serial killers.
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122
Maybe snakes are always angry cause they don't have arms to hug with
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116
Hey teenagers....
Shut the fuck up.
The hardest part about your lives is having to sigh a second time because nobody heard the first one.
3
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109
You know you're an adult when you realize 95% of the contacts in your phone are useless.
2
13
99
Every single time I'm driving and in a hurry, I find myself behind that elderly couple going for a leisurely drive.
Every. Fucking. Time.
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15
94
Send love to my dog, guys. His girlfriend broke up with him today.
He's doing okay though, she was a bitch.
2
4
87
I'm only giving out the worst possible advice in 2020.
"I feel like my bf is cheating. He is so protective over his phone."
Okay, kill him.
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84
Just finished a whole Chapstick without losing it in case anybody out there is looking for someone loyal.
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84
An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted selfies every time you hit the snooze button.
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How many of you look at the menu for 10 minutes before ordering the same thing you got the last 20 times?
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84
Is a pet even a pet if it doesn't have at least 37 nicknames?
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83
If anybody needs a 15th chance, my dumbass is really good at giving them.
6
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81
Has anybody tried unplugging 2020 and plugging it back in yet?
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If she's never used dial up internet then she's too young for you bro.
0
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75
Guys if you're having trouble making her cum, maybe try learning how to make her laugh first.
5
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I'm currently standing in the 12 items or less line, holding 16 items, freaking the fuck out.
3
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I'm 6'2".
There, now nobody should have to ask me for at least a year.
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68
There should be one line at every store for people who have their shit together.
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67
My favorite type of humor is when I say something really fucked up with a straight face and walk away while the person goes from confused to mortified.
3
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66
You get to beat up one fictional character.
Who do you pick?
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66
Answering a phone call from a random number is basically like picking up a hitch hiker.
You'll probably die.
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I ask him who's a good boy 300 times a day and he never answers. But, it's his birthday so you guys tell him who's a good boy.
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Y'all act like if a bunch of us got together it would be a wild orgy or something instead of a bunch of antisocial people with anxiety and depression sitting in a room on their phones.
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Who needs therapy when you can just get drunk and vent to your cat and dog?
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Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and you'll understand why foreplay is so important.
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You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?
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If you think I'm going to delete an old tweet just because I notice a typo in it, you're absofuckinglutely right.
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Idk who needs to hear this today, but you're fucking spectacular.
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So we're supposed to be surprised that just turning cigarettes into robots didn't make them safer? Mmmkay.
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Susan B. Antony, Gloria Steinem, Kim Possible...
Just to name a few.
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3
60
Be honest. It's for science.
Have you ever gone on a date just for a free meal?
Feel free to elaborate.
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Women are only terrible at parking because they are constantly being lied to about what 9 inches is.
3
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Day drinking is all fun and games until you send that "You up?" text at 5pm.
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If you don't support
#GunControlNow
unfollow me. Please and thank you.
Keep your bullshit thoughts and prayers to yourself.
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You treat your body like a temple? That’s nice. I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell.
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It's not really surprising a generation constantly being told to "take a chill pill" grew up to become addicted to prescription drugs.
1
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When I say "Let's agree to disagree" what I really mean is "You're too fucking stupid to keep arguing with"
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Sometimes I pretend I didn't hear what someone said just so they have to hear themselves say that dumb shit again.
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I talk a lot of shit for a person who teared up during The Lion King trailer.
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Yeah she's gorgeous and all but how does she feel about 2am bacon and bourbon?
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America.
Where any asshole can be a parent, but you need a license to fish.
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If you come mow my lawn for me, I promise to look out the window occasionally and give you a thumbs up.
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It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
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Kids pick on my little brother not knowing I'm crazy enough to find out who their moms are, fuck them silly, marry them, and make the list of chores a lot longer.
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Girl are you a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls? Because I want to bang you on the counter.
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Nobody wants to buy the shit you're selling on Facebook, Karen.
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Imagine being so insecure you call a 16yo with autism a nazi.
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I prefer almost any animal to almost any human almost any day.
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If you haven't ever felt like murder was ever justifiable, then you haven't met enough people.
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Dating in 2019 is just giving each other Netflix suggestions until one of you gets back with your ex.
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Yeah sex is great but have y'all ever been with someone who cares about your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health as well?
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Don't worry, the right someone is out there for everyone.
You'll probably never find them. Or fuck it up if you do.
But they're out there.
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I don't understand why people are asking if I'm a "bot" lately.
Like if I was going to have a fake profile, I'd have chosen someone who was in way better shape and could possibly get a tan.
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It just seems like things have gotten worse and worse since we stopped letting Pluto be a planet.
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Yeah I'm sure childbirth sucks, but have you ever woken up before your alarm?
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If there is ONE more mass shooting, we'll do something about it.
-America, since like 1949
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My dog heard someone open a bag of chips on the TV and came into the room thinking it was me. Now his dumbass is playing with a ball pretending like that's what he wanted the whole time.
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A selfie a day keeps the.... idk... it doesn't really do anything I guess
http://t.co/7abAOHXdPc
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Received some DMs from people telling me I was wrong for this, so wanted to clear up some things.
1) This was a stranger.
2) That was her first message to me.
3) I covered up the picture.
4) Was a perfectly normal looking vagina.
5) I give zero shits what you think.
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No, please don't feel like you need to use your turn signal. I understand how difficult it can be to slightly move one finger.
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If I park 20 spots from the store in an empty parking lot and you park next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.
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