Las Vegas is Dubai for people who have diabetes

Spicy is the BDSM of flavors

Holiday parties are a great place to see whether or not someone can handle an open bar

Joe Biden is the dad at the high school graduation who takes photos on his ipad

full ass grown man next to me on the plane watching Chicken Run

#NYC So excited for this iconic quad @ArtiParty @TessaSkara @Karobeanah @gaybonez on #ThroupleComedy at @slipperroom this Tuesday 9/7 8p! PLUS audience throuples get $15 off with discount code "Thruplenight" for a group 3 pack ticket! 👨‍👧‍👦👩‍👩‍👦 🎟: https://t.co/SiFtUD3Nhy

Astrology is for people that don’t wanna pay for therapy

We all knows there’s only 2 types of dick pics

I could never imagine laughing WITH a man with a ponytail

RIP to the unlanced boil that is Rush Limbaugh

Life in my 30s: my ex is having a baby with his wife and I’m trying to learn how to use TikTok

I’ve never been held hostage but I have had to listen to a voicemail that was over 30 seconds long so yeah pretty similar

Men will give unsolicited fashion advice while unapologetically wearing an oversized Rick and Morty t-shirt

Is everyone in NYC a hardcore alcoholic OR aggressively sober and there’s nothing in between?

No one: Texas bumper stickers: my other car is a gun

Have you even been rejected by a guy who owns one towel?

ACAB for Cutie

Why does it feel like Tony Shalhoub is in every movie ever made?

Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and drink a bunch of Mountain Dew

Why is 60 bucks the saddest amount of money to get in a card? We all love a cool 50 note but three 20s? Get up out of here with that, why you trying to offend me?