Nick Kocher
@NickKocher
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Stand-Up and Writer: SNL, BriTANicK, and occasional emails to my parents.
New York, NY
Joined March 2009
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It with deep sadness and regret that I announce...
BriTANicK is starting a Patreon.
(but also we made a new sketch!)
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Want a break from news stuff that actually matters?
Here’s the story of my first kiss.
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IF YOU FLEW FROM NEW YORK TO LOS ANGELES FOR THE EMMYS PLEASE DEAR GOD READ THIS.
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Here’s a story.
So about a month ago, my coat was stolen. This was not fun....
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This is honestly my finest work
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Fun fact: Matt works for Colbert and is nominated against us, so while this looks friendly, he is my dire enemy and I wish him ruin.
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Here’s a fun prank to instantly give someone a panic attack.
Randomly text them “Hey. You close?”
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I started romantically pursuing Margot using a super smooth technique I call “Wait quietly for your crush to talk to you, and if she doesn’t, live a lonely life of sadness.”
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To the two men who drove up behind me on a vespa, ripped my phone away from me and sped off…boy do I really regret saying to you, “Oh, whoops, sorry.”
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Trump doesn't care about Hamilton. He's using it to pull focus from Steve Bannon.
Don't get distracted, focus on what matters.
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Keep in mind, I am VERY good at thinking people don’t like me. If it was an Olympic sport, I would probably medal.*
*See? Even in this fictional event I don’t give myself the gold. That’s how good I am at having low self-esteem.
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Anyhow, Margot, if you’ve somehow happened across this, I’m still alive!
And thank you for granting a possibly dying boy’s wish.
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Okay, now, hear me out. What if NONE of us went to see Cats? Like none of us. Like what if it made zero dollars? I feel like that’d be fun? Could we do that? It’ll only work if everyone agrees.
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Euron brought a guitar to a party to prove, I guess, that he is also the worst in real life?
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Sidenote: Wondering why Jon was calling me “Mike”?
When we first met, he called me “Nick”.
But as time passed, “Nick” became “Nicholas” which became “Nicklis” which became “Chicklis” which became “Michael Chiklis” which became “Michael” which became “Mike”.
Confused? So am I.
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Taylor Swift's new song = the scene in Spider Man 3 where Tobey Maguire dances around pointing at people while wearing black clothes.
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And I decide.
That the best thing.
That I should do.
Is to lie.
And say.
This.
“Oh. Yeah. I have a heart condition.”
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Want to feel better about that one time you embarassed yourself?
Here’s the story of the worst day of my life. (THREAD)
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The next day, Jon decided to crash with someone else.
The end.
Epilogue: I love
@thejonbass
more than oxygen and I do not deserve him as a friend.
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If you think this is cute, you are not factoring in how loud my heart was pounding and how sweaty my hand was. We might as well have been holding hands underwater.
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I’m sure she thinks I’m probably dead of heart failure by now.
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The good news: The entire class was full of idiots like me who thought it was “robots are cool” class.
The better news: One of those idiots was the prettiest girl I had ever seen.
We’ll call her “Margot”
Because that is her literal name.
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Here’s the thing about all this.
Eventually, that little league season ended.
Eventually, I found friends who shared my love of books.
Eventually, the worst day of my life, became just another funny story.
Whatever you’re going through. It’s not forever.
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I then watch a girl’s facial expression go from flirtatious
to
very-concerned-this-sweaty-boy-is-about-to-die.
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How was it?
Fireworks set to a John Mayer song played in my head, that’s how it was.
(And yes, we were making out in the middle of a crowded classroom watching “The Andromeda Strain”)
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Now for those of you who might not know esoteric medical ethics, inside my chest is my heart.
My heart that is currently POUNDING SO LOUD IT SOUNDS LIKE A DRUMMER ON COCAINE.
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Luckily, she spoke to me!
Unluckily, everytime she did my heart would start POUNDING.
It’s very difficult to be charming when your body has suddenly been thrust into the flight or fight response.
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Just wanted to let everyone know, I'm currently writing Part 2 of this and holy hell it is going to absolutely vaporize
@GrantOB
.
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Her belief that I had about 15 seconds left to live is probably why she immediately leaned in and gave me MY FIRST KISS.
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I was 15 and at a summer camp for kids who wanted to be academically challenged over the break.
My mom had assured me it was “not a camp for nerds”.
It VERY much was.
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But we kept playing. And one time, when I pushed her hand away, OUR FINGERS INTERLOCKED.
AND WE HELD THEM THAT WAY FOR THE REST OF CLASS.
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Anyhow, we keep Jim and Pam’ing it, and eventually it’s the last day of class.
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To retaliate for blocking my view, that night at 4:27am....
I remotely turn all the lights on and speak through the security camera with a very specific request.
(You’re gonna definitely want SOUND ON)
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Quick question for Los Angeles.
What if instead of cutting out WHEAT, you stopped doing COCAINE?
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Slowly she turns around and whispers to me. “Your heart is going kinda crazy.”
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I proceed to then receive my 2nd-500th kiss during the remaining 18 hours we had at camp.
Then she went back to Florida, we AIM’d for a couple months and eventually lost touch.
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Weeks pass by.
Margot and I get more comfortable with each other.
The class learns about Beauchamp’s principle of nonmaleficence (shoot my fucking face off)
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At nerd camp, I had chosen a course called “Cyborg Futures”.
I hadn’t read the class description, but I assumed it was a class about how robots were awesome.
It turned out to be a class about esoteric medical ethics. It was so boring I wanted to rip off my face skin.
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You lose if you get uncomfortable and stop them.
No idea what happens when you win, because every time Margot’s hand moved one scooch up my leg, I would get so “nervous” I would damn well near black out.
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We were watching “The Andromeda Strain”.
I remember nothing of this movie, because that day Margot and I were sitting on the couch, and she RESTED HER HEAD ON MY CHEST.
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From then on, class would start, and over the course of about 20 minutes, Margot and I would slowly inch our fingers toward each other until they were intertwined under the table.
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Again, my heart would start POUNDING and I’d instantly be covered with sweat.
After pushing her hand away, I’d have to, like, meditate to lower my core temperature.
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Well, it's that time of the decade.
We made another BriTANicK video.
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The staff of could not have been more helpful to BriTANicK when we were starting out, and to boot they are all lovely people. Anyone looking to hire funny people should absolutely snatch up the folks that just got laid off before it’s too late.
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At this point watching The West Wing feels like watching very unrealistic porn.
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Day 1: Jon goes about his normal business. What is Jon’s normal business? Apparently, chugging juice and listening to showtunes.
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So Jon thinks I can only see him when the blue light is on. He is wrong. The camera only lights up when you speak through it. So now he thinks I’m not watching.
I absolutely am.
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This went on for awhile but I never made any moves past that.
I still didn’t think she liked me.
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Then one day, Margot and I start playing the game “Are You Nervous?”
Here’s how it works....one person places their hand on the other’s knee and slowly starts moving it up their thigh while asking “Are you nervous?”
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Margot’s ear is literally resting against this pounding heart. There’s no way she’s not hearing it.
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(Careful listeners may have heard Jon fart again at the 9 second mark)
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One fun feature of this camera, is you can watch your friend silently text on his phone for 20 minutes and then suddenly project your voice into the room.
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I will always remember the day Brian and I got this email from Sarah Schneider at
@CollegeHumor
.
We’d been fans for years and for them to even be aware of our videos was the coolest thing ever.
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One of Joe's options was to just say nothing about this.
Sorry Jimmy Kimmel: your sad story doesn't obligate me or anybody else to pay for somebody else's health care.
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Now listen. Am I a bad person for watching this without telling him? Legally speaking....yes.
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Anyhow, for the rest of the day, whenever I think to do so, I make the lights in the apartment go crazy. I do this A LOT.
Here’s a video from Jon’s perspective.
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Happy Friday. We made a new BriTANicK sketch.
That’s two in one year. I’m absolutely exhausted.
Accidental Text
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For someone who says it's unwatchable...you sure do watch it a lot.
Just tried watching Saturday Night Live - unwatchable! Totally biased, not funny and the Baldwin impersonation just can't get any worse. Sad
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Awhile back, I wrote a weird thing. I didn’t know if it was a short or a pilot, but I knew I wanted to make it and I knew that no network would ever let me.
Anyhow, that weird thing just got into the Tribeca Film Festival!
Seeya in April!
#Tribeca2019
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This story does have a happy ending though! Ol’ butterfingers stupidly dropped my phone so I was able to pick it up, dust it off and immediately go on twitter to—never mind. Not a happy ending.
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UPDATE 1: A friend has offered me his suit. It is MASSIVE on me. But unless I find a better option, I guess this is what I'm wearing?
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Hey, bunch of new people! If you liked that, you might also like the story of the most embarassing day of my life!
Want to feel better about that one time you embarassed yourself?
Here’s the story of the worst day of my life. (THREAD)
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We did it! Thanks to everyone who gave attention to this instead of things that are actually important!
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Well, now, surely THIS will do it.
STOP. Just STOP. Peace. Law and Order. Safety for All
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I mean...I will say...Kendall gave that cop a Pepsi and the NEXT thing that happened was Bannon getting kicked out of the NSC.
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My art has been compromised.
Most insane *bleep* I’ve seen on network television
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None of these fucking James Bond movies ever show 007 awkwardly setting his martini on the counter, then bending over and slurping up a few sips so he can carry the glass to his table without it spilling.
#ReleaseTheSnyderCut
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THREAD: So
@electrolemon
started a new type of marketing campaign for our standup show tonight at 8pm.
It is very bad and it has led to chaos.
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3,583 people work for Twitter. If every day a new one does this and then quits, we can make it through the next four years intact.
Through our investigation we have learned that this was done by a Twitter customer support employee who did this on the employee’s last day. We are conducting a full internal review.
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Here’s a fun thing to distract us from our hell-world.
What’s one of your favorite lines from a book?
Doesn’t have to be your number 1, just something that would land in your top 5.
Here’s mine:
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Motherfucker, you’ve gotta SHOW US THE PAGES. You speed reading dick. You’re gonna get booed out of every kindergarten in the world.
I still like Dr. Seuss, so I decided to read Green Eggs and Ham.
RT if you still like him too!
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@azalben
Here lies Nick Kocher. Nick was just told me to go to pick up my dad and then we can go to dinner with my dad and then we can go to dinner with my dad and then we can go to dinner with my dad and then we can go to dinner with my dad and then we can go to dinner with my dad and th
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Could not be happier about this.
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Is anybody else watching TV and movies and being like,
“What are you guys doing on a date in a cafe right now?! Haven’t you seen the news?”
“The Avengers are ASSEMBLING?! They need to socially distance!”
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This sketch from last night by
@ColinJost
, Michael Che, and Kenan is one of my all time favorites.
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Oh, me? What did I get for Christmas? Not much really, EXCEPT THE WHOLE. FRIGGIN. JACKPOT.
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So this thief now knows where I live, and can EASILY let himself in and murder my face off.
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Hear me
If our seats share an armrest
That armrest is mine
It may be yours now
But you will not withstand my siege
Can you handle my bare forearm lightly pushing against yours with a plausibly deniable amount of pressure for a 5 hour flight?
You cannot
Give in
Give up
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I am proud of myself.
A cruel twist of fate is that the brutal roast of me that
@NickKocher
wrote for Breaking News came out on YouTube right after I lost my job. I hope he's proud of himself. I hope he feels like a big tough guy
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Anybody else quietly rehearse how they’re going to order coffee while they wait in line?
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