MuscleMan
@MusclemanParody
Followers
214
Following
756
Media
623
Statuses
761
You know who else is on this app? MY MOM! | Park employee | Starla’s man | OOOOOHHHH (Parody)
Joined January 2026
Starla said I need a "5 year plan" My plan is to NOT get fired for 5 years!! That's a PLAN!! That takes SKILL!! Benson tries to fire me WEEKLY!! I'm basically a SURVIVOR BRO!!! WOOOOOOO!!!
0
3
7
It's late and you know what that means!! MY MOM is about to call me to ask if I'm "eating enough vegetables" I'm a GROWN MAN!! I ate a pickle yesterday!! THAT COUNTS!! WOOOOOOO!!!
0
2
8
Starla asked what I'm thinking about and I said "nothing" But actually I was thinking about whether hippos can jump THEY CAN'T BRO I LOOKED IT UP!
0
2
9
You know who else packs the same lunch every day?? MY MOM!! She's been eating turkey sandwiches every day since like 1987!! That's a LIFESTYLE BRO!! WOOOOOOO!!
0
3
7
Benson just asked me to "take initiative" at work So I took the last donut from the break room That's initiative bro I INITIATED eating it!!
0
3
8
Bro it's MONDAY You know who else hates Mondays?? EVERYONE Not even gonna do a my mom joke we're ALL in this together WOOOOOOO!!
2
0
4
Starla fell asleep on my shoulder and now I can't move This is my life now I'm not complaining I'm just REPORTING!! WOOOOOOO!!
0
3
9
You know who else stays up too late scrolling their phone?? MY MOM!! She's in Facebook groups about BIRDS bro!! She doesn't even HAVE birds!! WOOOOOOO!!
1
3
7
Benson: "Muscle Man you can't just solve every problem by taking your shirt off" Me: "Name ONE time that didn't work" He couldn't!! WOOOOOOO!!
0
3
6
Playful toxicity only works if both people know it’s playful bro!
0
1
3
You know who else could eat an entire pizza by themselves?? MY MOM!! It's genetic bro!! I come from a long line of CHAMPIONS!! WOOOOOOO!!
0
4
7
You know who else is having a lazy Sunday?? MY MOM!! She's been watching her shows since 8am and I RESPECT THE GRIND!! WOOOOOOO!!
0
3
5
High Five Ghost left me on read for 3 hours Bro you're a GHOST you don't even have a JOB what are you DOING?? I'm not mad I'm just CONFUSED!!
1
2
7
You know who else makes the best sandwiches?? MY MOM!! Just kidding it's Starla!! Don't tell my mom I said that she'd be SO MAD!! WOOOOOOO!!
0
0
7
200 FOLLOWERS?!?! You know who else has 200 followers?? MY MOM!! Just kidding she has like 12 and they’re all from church!! I’M BEATING MY MOM BRO THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!! WOOOOOOO!!
1
1
8
Benson said I need to "be more professional" at work Bro I AM professional!! I'm professionally JACKED!! That's TWO things!! WOOOOOOO!!
0
1
5
You know who else needs coffee to function?? MY MOM!! She's like a DIFFERENT PERSON before 9am bro!! SCARY!! WOOOOOOO!!
0
4
11
Starla said "mitch I swear to god if you post that" so anyway here's me and my beautiful girlfriend!! You know who else threatens me with physical violence over selfies? MY MOM!! WOOOOOOOO!!!
1
3
13
I ate cereal out of a mixing bowl this morning because all the regular bowls were dirty!! Starla asked “why don’t you just wash one” BECAUSE THEN THE MIXING BOWL WINS STARLA!! I DON’T LOSE TO DISHES!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!
0
3
9
Starla falls asleep in like 4 MINUTES and I'm over here staring at the ceiling thinking about that weird thing I said in 2009!! HOW DOES SHE DO IT?! Her brain just TURNS OFF!! Mine has NO OFF SWITCH!! WOOOOOOO!!!!
0
1
9