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The baseball season will be over by next weekend and that makes me fkn sad. Please send peanuts and cracker jacks.

It's 9:00...where are those "Deliver Me From Nowhere" reviews already???

I actually overheard someone yesterday ask another person if he knew of any hemorrhoid support groups.

Why do I get the feeling that Larry Mondello talked Beaver into stealing jewels from The Louvre last weekend?

Source of Amazon outage identified.

BREAKING SPORTS NEWS: Ohtani to play quarterback for USC and Notre Dame in tonight's game. Considering punting, too.

BREAKING NEWS: Ohtani hits three more home runs overnight while sleeping.

I think Ohtani has 2 more homers in his bat tonight. The man sure knows how to break put of a slump!

Once again, for Halloween I'm going as "kidnap victim locked in a car trunk." This year, however, I'm bringing snacks and an oxygen supply.

I just noticed this morning that the Pillsbury Dough Boy has not aged one bit.

You know what this world needs? Underwear with pubic hair on the outside. And tables in restaurants that aren't wobbly and in need of sugar packets to keep them stable. That's all I can think of for now. Any other ideas?

My lip reading skills have vastly improved this baseball post-season. Here's an example: I just saw a player strike out and as he walked back to the dugout, he said "Fudge". Thought that was an odd thing to say, given the situation. But, he obviously did.

The easiest way to make headlines is to sleep on a corduroy pillow.

The neon lights were bright, and very wet, yesterday on Broadway. Enjoyed both musicals ("The Outsiders" and "Operation Mincemeat") in our Sunday double feature. Great day all around!

I always loved the scene in "Looking for Mr Goodbar" where Keaton was sitting quietly at a bar reading "The Godfather" and a very young Richard Gere approaches her and says "Great book". Irony at its best!

After trying on new glasses, I told the optometrist they were not balanced properly on my ears. She said "we can make adjustments." Me: To the glasses or my ears? I'd prefer no surgery on my ears, please. It all worked out.

I think that if an armoured cash transport truck sideswipes your car, you should be entitled to keep all of the cash that it is carrying. Agree?

If music can be an ear worm, does that mean a sesame seed stuck between your teeth is a taste worm?

Do kids today even have an inkling of how goddamn funny it is to see someone slip on a banana peel?

How hot do you like your morning shower? I like mine steamy enough that it's reported on The Weather Channel.