Jess | MultiplicityandMe
@Multiplicityand
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Final-fused/recovered from #DissociativeIdentityDisorder 🥰🎉 Feeling confident enough to be here again 🩷 Mum 👨👩👧👧 Patient to Practitioner 💙🧠
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Joined August 2023
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Pinned Tweet
📌 Pinning some common Twitter perceptions now I’m back! Just so I can ensure things are clear 🙂 🧵:
(I may add to this as I remember stuff or if I need to clear things up down the line!)
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“your nervous system doesn't care how lesser/greater any one trauma is.”
100%
reminder that trauma doesn't know it needs to know if it was "bad enough": it is a physiobiological response to your experiences. if your body is responding to trauma it is traumaing "bad enough" , your nervous system doesn't care how lesser/greater any one trauma is.
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Hi. DID was absolutely terrible and it ruined so many years of my life.
I had to spend years recovering from an illness that wasn’t in any way my fault. Because an abuser took advantage of a child.
My abuser(s) can rot. 💁🏼♀️
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On a related note, do you know even post recovery you don’t have to have remembered all your trauma? I didn’t. No awareness if a suspected second person was involved or not, no idea how many times the CSA happened or how long for. Processing traumatic memories is about the ones..
Oof, that’s a weird feeling to be baited after such a long while!
I didn’t get DID bc my grandparents died? I have no idea where that has come from when I have been very explicit that it was from CSA - I was in no way traumatised by the death of my grandparents - ofc v sad
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My first week at work this week and I can’t actually believe I’m here 😭🥹
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Had a sad dream about Jake last night 😞 just lots of very deep feelings and played out situations of him wanting to be seen for himself in a body/world of his own.
I didn’t anticipate things like this post-recovery… 🥺 this one really hit in the feels
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Tonight I’m reflecting and feeling angry about it if you couldn’t tell
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People get so anxious when they sit opposite me and want to tell me they feel they may have a certain condition bc they relate to a lot of what they’ve seen/read online
In this age, when education & information is now much more readily available at the touch of our fingertips
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So this may be a strange question to ask, but when something “sinks in” it often reminds me of DID-times in that it feels really surreal & distant…
Is that a non-DID person reaction also when they receive big news? Does it feel like that? Like you’re almost disconnected?
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Spoke to my new boss today and she seems so so lovely 🥰 and extremely knowledgeable! She’ll be teaching me EMDR, DBT & CAT & by the end of my 1st trainee year I’ll be teaching group classes & 1:1 in compassion focused therapy and DBT-lite! Eep! I’m so excited and eager to learn!
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that have gotten stuck and can’t move on. They don’t include uncovering ‘hidden memories’, or ‘digging for trauma’ at all. I am 100% at peace with never knowing the full extent of what happened, bc quite frankly they don’t affect my life anymore. So for anyone frightened to go to
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🧡 I have no problem with people who are plural. I however did & do not relate to that term *personally*.
I had DID. I was not plural. My focal point was different on how I viewed myself and that’s ok 🙂 it was important for my treatment & healing.
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❤️ My fusion does not mean any part of me is “gone”. The dissociative barriers between us have been lifted. We are now all one & will use singular terms, but that doesn’t mean I am Jess “the alter/the host” - all of me is Jess 🥰🎉 I now have access to all of me all of the time!
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Had a tough day. My stress accumulated into fight & flight & I’ve struggled to get back to baseline ever since. I’ve reflected on why the feeling itself has felt so triggering for me & recognised this was my “baseline” living with DID every single day.
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🩷 Functional multiplicity & final fusion are equally valid treatment options for DID/OSDD. NO ONE should feel forced to pick one or the other!
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Oof, that’s a weird feeling to be baited after such a long while!
I didn’t get DID bc my grandparents died? I have no idea where that has come from when I have been very explicit that it was from CSA - I was in no way traumatised by the death of my grandparents - ofc v sad
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It is Monday my dudes ~
Truly a “manic Monday” today! 🤯 Wowza! Still so much paperwork to do!
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therapies due to those worries, yes, some memories may come up along the way, in a very natural, well managed flow (*should be with a knowledgable therapist to reduce risk of flooding!) but the ones that don’t naturally appear for you don’t get examined in any way.
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I was ashamed about this part; I feared judgement about not being actively traumatised enough bc I could only remember portions. My poor recall does not take away the fact that I was abused as a child, and that’s a sad fact. The dissociation did the job it should have done.
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I hope that brings some comfort to some 🩷 you don’t have to remember your trauma with DID (in part or fully) and you can still heal/recover without recalling it all, and are just as valid for having DID as those that do have more vivid recollections.
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Received my official offer for my new job start and handed in my notice today too 🥺 still can’t quite believe this is happening!
I start my new job on the 29th jan 🥰
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I don’t know where I fall on the ace spectrum - Demi maybe? sexuality is such a complex theme. I have never had sexual attraction & I thought that was due to trauma. Now the ptsd is gone, I still don’t view anything in that way. & that’s okay 😊
#asexual
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I can’t express the freedom I feel over no longer fearing fireworks - I didn’t realise until late in my therapy that CSA happened on or around bonfire night. The bangs used to instantly put me in fight & flight mode but I didn’t know why. I felt so helpless every time it happened
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Yay! So I made an account again as my private was maybe getting a little DID heavy - I couldn’t share some of my thoughts and debates.
Feel free to follow if you’d like 😄🫶🏻
#dissociatwt
or please ask me stuff openly if you need clarification about anything 🩷 Ty x
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@lunatussys
That’s actually the *more* common symptom of DID - passive influence of thoughts/behaviours etc without full switching. Blackouts in general are also a rarer phenomenon and aren’t considered to be a frequent occurring event - generally amnesia is more than enough.
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Does anyone else suddenly get random pings of guilt like they’re done something wrong in the universe, completely out of the blue, or is that just me? 🤔
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I hope those forgotten details stay forgotten. I’m even reflecting like ‘I wonder how many people never remember their trauma?’, I didn’t have any recall of being abused until I was 13. Could’ve been likely years later (or perhaps never?) if it hadn’t been triggered at that time.
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Fable is such a good boy. He’s been so patient while Izzy has been putting blankets on him and making him beds. He’s a happy boy 🥰
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Clinical associate psychologist - trainee for 2 years during my MSc! Eeeeeeeeeee!
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as any kid would be! But yeah, CSA caused it alongside disorganised attachments ongoing & therefore poor ways of ‘soothing’ post-event when it would’ve been a critical period. Mind you, my grandparents had died not long before this event, but their death was never the reason.
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& in my mind I’m like, friend, I did the same thing & it turns out I was right. Don’t be ashamed to tell me you’ve self researched - knowledge is power & we can explore why you feel you relate to what you’ve learned - I’m here in a world capacity to help you break it down!
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Got the interview for CAAP on Monday - trying to keep my hopes as low as possible as I don’t want to be disappointed & just happy & accepting! Although I’m really happy to have gotten this far 🥰 107 applicants, around 10 being interviewed!
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Met my new boss (and team) today and my new boss had a very used and heavily sticky noted/bookmarked copy of “coping with trauma related dissociation” in her office👌🏻 excellent start 😌
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@Shrink_at_Large
Wow 🫣🤯 they’re tickboxing so many in neurodivergent and/or trauma categories too here… although it does say they should be sent for fuller assessment so hopefully they won’t be inadequately assessed in the longer term 😓
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Twas the night before Christmas 🤫 🥰🎄
I think I’m more excited than the kids 🙈
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Complimented twice by a world renown professor today (he used to work with Beck!) 🙈 initially on my clinical assessment skills, then on something I mentioned in regards to attachment that he said he’d “wished he’d thought of before” 🥰 feeing so chuffed and so capable! 🩷
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Can’t get over the fact I’m leading psychology assessments for my big boss 🥹
I’m also co-facilitating training for personality disorders next week (although my element will be purely leading segments of mindfulness during!)
Thoroughly enjoying my work! 🥰
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I could be walking down the street completely stark naked and even green no one is entitled to sexually assault me. Men’s behaviour is not my responsibility. It is never her fault.
Delete your tweet.
@brodstanaccount
Rape is horrid and no man should ever be of a mindset to think it is acceptable. However women do bear a responsibility in not dressing in a way that sexually arouses men. And lets admit that a lot of women have OF & go out their way to make a living out of sexually arousing men
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Always happy to work with a certain broadcaster bc they are always factual and never over dramatise 😊 turned down lots over the years, but this one will be for radio (should be able to reveal more soon!) 🩷
#DID
#endstigma
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I’d say 90% that come along with an assumption of a possible diagnostic condition I end up referring onwards in that direction bc their symptoms match & are above a clinical threshold worth exploring after we’ve completed the initial standard screening tools…
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What’s wild is that I had NO IDEA how difficult it was. Living it each day, not knowing any different… I suffered so much without realising I was suffering at all. In part I think that’s down to the incredible way DID is built to work with that defence-mechanism dichotomy.
it’s an incredible relief from the many excruciating years of identity confusion/alteration that was there previously for so much of my life. It’s indescribable how incredible it is to be free of so many of these symptoms & the difference they’re making to my life!
#DID
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My boss said I was working at a competency a newly qualified psych would be at 🥰 and I’m so pleased to hear that! I thought I’d be a huge let down tbh 🤣
I think to myself, if I’m at that point just 3 months in, maybe I can be more someday & keep going up that career ladder 🩷
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Had a long term mutual message to ask if I’d do a specific video, they’d really taken the time to highlight what they felt was needed… I hadn’t thought about it in a long time…
Out of interest, is there anything anyone feels is a good topic to cover if I did a DID video again?
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But I can’t tell you how amazing it is to be that person sat in the seat that is actively doing all they can to listen, to understand, & to make a collaborative plan with that client to ensure they are on the right path. I would’ve given anything for that when I was younger!
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Passed my first exam 🥳
Next one is next week 🙈
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My new boss emailed! Ahhh! It suddenly feels so real!!!
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This is also very well highlighted in Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score in Chapter 7. (Very upsetting in many places to read about but incredibly educational also) it’s common to get snippets of the trauma, feelings and sensations etc without full recall of the event
I was ashamed about this part; I feared judgement about not being actively traumatised enough bc I could only remember portions. My poor recall does not take away the fact that I was abused as a child, and that’s a sad fact. The dissociation did the job it should have done.
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I was that person who inadvertently googled what they had, ended up being 100% correct, which no doubt saved me many years more of being unable to make sense of what was ‘wrong’ with me.
It feels really good to be on that other side all these years later 🩷
Gonna miss this job!
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Some others are trickier (ie emotional dysregulation as it fits into many potential boxes or even not diagnostic at all) & may always not be right in their knowledge & research, but I try to give as much help for the troublesome symptoms regardless - not everyone needs/wants a dx
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I absolutely do not miss this hyper vigilance, how tense my body feels, the pressure on my chest and all around physical and emotional sensitivity… I’ve had a nap, had a bath & I’m now cwtched up in bed with my salt lamp on but struggling to get back into my window of tolerance.
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So self “labelling” (not self-diagnosis!) is absolutely valid in the sense of it could be right - if the symptoms you’re facing are bothering you & impacting your life, please reach out 🩷clinicians should understand people will use Google to try & make sense of their experiences
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Did some meditation, had a comfort piece of cake, cuddled the dog who’s in bed with me and listened to an audiobook but I’m now giving up and going to sleep earlier than planned 🩷 feeling marginally better, but hopefully it’ll dissipate by the morning ☀️
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“I’m a bigot, why won’t people love me for it?” 🤔
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Moving onto pastures new 🥰
Also had my new timetable today for university! 😱 starting to feel real now!
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Thinking of everyone who will spend Christmas alone this year 🩷
I am so lucky that I will forever have my girls.
I recognise others aren’t as fortunate & this time of year can be particularly tough for loneliness.
To those who can relate, you’re in my thoughts 🫂
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Really feeling a bit down today with how viciously one of the neighbours told me off for allowing the girls to pick a couple of wild daffodils. I didn’t disagree with any of the points she made - I took accountability in saying sure, I should’ve encouraged them not to pick them
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Eating walnuts reminds me of my grandpa - the flavour takes me right back to being 5, cracking walnuts together and sitting on his knee 🥰 he was such a lovely man - a Serbian immigrant who looked after me most days in my youngest years. Happy lil childhood memories for sure! 🌰
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But the fact she was just so vile -swearing etc saying I was trying to argue (when in fact I was agreeing?) has really put a downer on my mood. Not nice suddenly feeling you have someone who clearly doesn’t like you so close to where you live 😣 wish I could shake off the unease!
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Yay! Eevee has gotten a space with girl guiding 🥰 she’s been so excited to join for such a long time! Can’t wait for her to go on Wednesday and see how she gets on! Looking forward to telling her the good news when I get home!!
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Recognising I’m feeling a bit ‘out of myself’ after that, which is an uneasy feeling, but I’m sure will settle shortly.
I think the couple of days of alter dreams have poked at a lot of the seams sewn between us in a sense… but sure it’ll settle down.
Had so many intensive dreams about Ed last night… second night in a row. Every frame was in super HD… just remember some snippets, he went to Camden Locke & the Columbia road flower market, then met Jamie over in st James park. The dream was tender & warm in its feeling.
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Cannot believe our busy-Izzy is 2 a month today 🥺🩷 where is the time going?! She’s honestly the happiest little girl and I love watching her grow up! Just hope she keeps her snuggles with me forever 🩷
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Up at 1:30am following an awful nocturnal panic attack. Haven’t been able to sleep since.
I prefer my old style panic attacks with hyperventilation as that symptom gave me comfort that it was 100% a panic attack.
Health anxiety thoughts have a field day without it! Ugh.
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Izzy at the lake 🥰🩷🫶🏻 “bye bye mummy duck”
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Went to eves parents evening and she has shot up in her confidence 🥰 her maths and reading are a year ahead! So proud of her! She’s still struggling with her attention & interrupting, but it seems like it’s not holding back her learning anymore 🥰🩷
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Absolutely buzzing to be on this course and part of such a prestigious university 🥰🫶🏻🩷 so grateful to be here and to have been given a chance at this! ✨🎓
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I’ve started a self care plan for 2024 that officially begins tomorrow 😄
Small things like drinking more, taking multi vitamins, taking time out to moisturise, and mindful eating, I’m sure will make big differences 🩷
Everyone deserves to offer love & kindness to themselves 🩷
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Still can’t tell if I was taken advantage of/scammed by a certain magazine we worked with that sold many tickets for an event, or if it was just a legitimate disaster 🫠 still haunts me.
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Had so many intensive dreams about Ed last night… second night in a row. Every frame was in super HD… just remember some snippets, he went to Camden Locke & the Columbia road flower market, then met Jamie over in st James park. The dream was tender & warm in its feeling.
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Sooooo gutted 😭 I had to leave work suddenly today as I came down with a virus - fever, shakes, absolutely freezing cold… I’m absolutely devastated to be missing my induction week 😭 my body is aching all over - feeling like a letdown!
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Like, I don’t like my house anyway. I bought it after renting it from the landlord as it was such a good deal, but my god I’d give anything to move & this whole ordeal has really put my mindset back to hating my home. 😞
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He’s my best little friend when I’m sad 😢 came running before the tears started running
(Nothing major! Came across a ridiculously sad video on tiktok I didn’t realise what it was until it was too late 😭)
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I’m sorry also for anyone bored of me talking about this! But this is such an important and life changing moment for me and I’m still so in shock and processing it all!!!
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Took Eve to GP’s and handed them a letter after she’d fallen on her face again without any reflex of putting her hands in front of her to catch her fall
GP agrees she’s likely dyspraxic & displays a lot of symptoms of ADHD… at least we’re getting the ball rolling early 🩷
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Rather than saying “bu’h fly” 🦋 Izzy’s now moved on to “buddy fly” 😭 she’s growing up too fast!
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@MoonVarin
It’s a manageable condition for sure once communication and cooperation begins (which is some level of overall integration I suppose!)
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Kitten sisters would absolutely not stay still enough for a photo together - the excitement was clearly far too much 🙈 my cousin managed to take a photo when they knocked at her door 🥰
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First week in uni complete 🥰 next week will be my first week in work as a trainee clinical associate psychologist! 🤯🤩
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The lovely thing about my new job is that I feel so much more confident coming into this 🩷 part of my personal statement was about being a patient & bringing a sense of either side to the service. I even had an open conversation at interview about one of my prev psychologists…
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This was a good topic from uni today 😊 stuff I already knew, but glad to have ensured my developmental psychology knowledge from a perinatal specialist! (Who was also my NHS psychologist when I was a patient may I add!)
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it’s an incredible relief from the many excruciating years of identity confusion/alteration that was there previously for so much of my life. It’s indescribable how incredible it is to be free of so many of these symptoms & the difference they’re making to my life!
#DID
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Heavy rain outside my window as I’m drifting off to sleep 😌 10/10. 👌🏻
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IMAGINE the fact the entire uk nation just got rickrolled as soon as it turned 2024 😂 please for the love of all that is holy don’t let that be a sign of things to come for the rest of the year 🤣
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“Traumatised people simultaneously remember too little and too much” (I’m now listening to Van Der Kolk on Audible and it was perfect timing 🙈 it’s chapter 8)
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Izzy had an entire no-nap weekend even with the clocks going back 🥰 so proud of her as this limbo with a 30min nap but 10pm bedtime has been killing me for months 🤣 equally it feels like she’s too young to give up naps already! Her sister was the first in her nursery group too!
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This is such wild timing bc I saw it was Ed’s birthday coming up in the calendar and I couldn’t relate to that at all anymore?! Such a stark distant feeling! I’m relieved it’s no longer a date of trauma
How do birthdays work for you? Does each system member have their own? If so, do you just innately know what day it is, pick a date (such as the date you were discovered), something else? How do you celebrate birthdays within the system, if you do? What about the body’s birthday?
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no cheating!! post your last saved photo of yourself without context
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I’ve got 3 days off work before the girls will be off with me until 8th jan… using these precious few days to completely de-stimulate and relax as much as possible. Really noticing my overwhelm has been high in the last few weeks - it’s much needed time off!
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Littlest chicken nugget eating chicken nuggets and holding her lil cup of duck food 🥰 (she didn’t let go of her duck food cup for the 3 hours we were there 🙈) “duck biscuits” as she’d say
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