Pros of dating me: I can whistle, snap, swim, ride a bike, and do more than 10 push ups in one go. Cons of dating me: I get violently angry when I’m drunk on a beer, doctors have no idea what’s going on with my pecker, i won’t talk about what happened on 11/4/2018

basketball would be a lot more fun and fair if the white people didn’t have to dribble the ball

when ur tryna shazam songs but there’s two loud ass homos at the table next to you yappin up a storm

pissing is the only consistent source of dopamine i got left

the pheromones r left at home - logan

sometimes people just look down at my crotch and i always get scared my pp is out

That was my local Dollar General. I didn’t steal from his local stores but he came to my town and stole from my local stores? Na that’s fucked

THIEVERY In 2019 he stole what I estimate to be over 1,000 dollars from a Dollar General in Wister, Oklahoma. He showed no signs of remorse

MURDER He’s killlin it with his swag on the daily.

Problematic things my boy Matt has done [A THREAD]

pisses me off that you don’t have control over where you die. Knowing that I could die in a walmart is so annoying.

the worst argument for getting sober I have ever seen

cum

no homo but yugioh was fuckin gay bro all he yugioh cards was a buncha gay ass little dudes

two separate dudes at work forgot my name and thought it was fucking “chris”. I hate those odds. I hate the name Chris. I’m tellin yall i’ve been at the end of my rope for awhile

the amount of times I hear a 🔥 ass song, shazam it and find out it’s SZA is 3. And the amount of times i hear a fire ass song, think it’s probably another SZA banger, shazam it and find out it’s dua lippa is 2

when i see dudes post about not having a date on valentine’s day, i know they’re hoping for a manic pixie dream girl miracle. the hoes see it also

i’m in the business of misery let’s take it from the top she got a body like an hour glass it gonna make me pop LOL i’m crazy i can’t believe i just wrote that aha but will i post it? i think i will cuz im feelin risquẽ this morning

why SZA got so many certified hits?

i remember watdching pirates of the caribbean for the first time and when they becamed skulls i was like 🥴 because i just couldn’t suspend my disbelief that much. if a human becomed a skull like that they would died

nothin pisses me more off than knocks on my bedroom window deep into the night. Who’s there? you shouldn’t be there, go home: