I'm going to start a chain restaurant opposing Subway called "Domway". It's basically just a normal Subway, but when you walk in, the person behind the counter just looks you up and down and then makes a sandwich without your input and you have to eat it in front of them.

I think I'll start adding "______, but" qualifiers to the start of sentences that don't really fit, like: "I'm not one to brag, but it sure is a nice sunny day outside." Or "Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I'd like a chicken Caesar salad, ranch on the side."

My friend Thule just custom-designed his drill to wear a clip-on skirt for fun. Thule's tool's tooled to tutus too.

I was given a scratchy lottery ticket at work today and came to the realization that it's basically like uncovering a tiny, shitty treasure map that always leads to either a nearby garbage can, or some random gas station for 2 dollars and half a slurpee.

What evil baking warlock cursed all bagels so that it's impossible to cut one perfectly in half? I'm tired of slightly lopsided or re-angled cuts on my bagels. Is this a plot from the company who patented the stationary bread slicer? I WANT ANSWERS

Fun Fact: If you walk up to two people and shout "Beyblades Beyblades, Let It Rip!" and mime pulling cords on both of their backs, they are legally obligated to spin rapidly and knock into each other until only one remains standing. The winner gets to commit one crime for free.

Dear font companies, if your font turns the word "billing" into this monstrosity maybe seek a new career path.

I just spilled a tiny amount of coffee in my mask at work. Now the world smells like dark roast. Neat!

One of my new favorite things is responding to my needy cat's meow by saying "Bet you won't say that to my face!" and staring intently at her. Sometimes she backs off, other times it develops into a full-blown cat argument about whether she needs food 24 hours a day.

I'm never living the package opening stream down am I? Well, at least all the art has been amazing! Thanks @Sproutkid_ & @_5thAlice_ !

Instead of saying: "Now we're cooking with gas!" (weak, bland, vague) Try: "Now we have lit the grill of progress with the propane of hard work and dedication!" (cool, concise, sophisticated) You're welcome.

If you want to sound like a young horse galloping, try saying "buttercup" repeatedly at a quick pace. This has been todays Moddi lesson on "Foal-ey" work.

Check out the first adventure of @Wholesomeverse Dungeons & Dragons, Bog & Grog! Featuring: Dungeon Master, @Wanderbots Cub, @RetromationYT Malthos, @JonusLive Otzi, @Moddiply Garrett, @LollashMWCG Video: https://t.co/jZRM9gtxdN

If you teach someone to make perfume would you be their "scentsei"?

Happy birthday to the best gamer in the Wholesomeverse and an incredible friend, @Moddiply ! Live it up brother <3 (ps. go watch his birthday stream https://t.co/LJH7YeBWVt)

Fun fact:  if you have a massive fever/headache and put your cat's jelly bean toes on your forehead...  it doesn't make it feel better and the cat will probably leave in disgust.   Biology is pretty neat!

Hey twitter, what are some good slams for someone saying something incredibly stupid/ignorant? I'll go first: "If I wanted you to open your mouth I'd have brought your favorite flavor of crayon."

Okay Twitter. Give me your best bastardization of "ModdiPly" that's still recognizable. There are so many out there, and it's time to hear some new ones. We've already got the classics: Moe Diplee Mort Dipples Moople Doops and many many MANY more.

I forgot my current favorite: -Squishy

List of names I call my cat Junebug (part 1 of infinite): -Junie -June -Bugs -Jumba -Junks -Jumpie -Jumples -Bumps -Fuzzy -Jumpalumps -Dunie -Boopaloobs -who'sthebestestsoftestfuzzycatintheworld -CAT