Mitch Cohen
@MitchCohenMLB
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MLB Insider, except it's SATIRE. I'm not impersonating and not affiliated with the MLB. I like baseball and birdwatching.
Joined October 2025
BREAKING: President Donald Trump will throw out the first pitch for Mets on Opening Day. Fans are encouraged to arrive early to the ballpark due to heightened security.
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BREAKING: Guardians and rookie Chase DeLauter have agreed to a new 8-year, $300M contact extension. The Guardians rookie has four home runs in three games this season and is now among the highest paid outfielders in the league.
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BREAKING: Shohei Ohtani reportedly signed his latest contract for a "no-show job" with a fraudulent plastic straw company funded by $300m from Dodgers owner Mark Walter, sources tell me. Ohtani and the Dodgers are currently under investigation.
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REPORT: Yankees GM Brian Cashman has announced that the they will add an Everything Bagel with Cream Cheese and Lox to their stadium concessions. The bagels will be sold for $25.50 and fans can purchase condiments for an extra $5.
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SOURCE: The Astros have parted ways with their top international prospect from the 2033 class after the player tested positive for testosterone. The outfielder, just 9 years old, and the Astros had a prior agreement up to $2M.
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The White Sox have officially been eliminated from postseason contention. The White Sox are currently 0-1.
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REPORT: The Miami Marlins are expected to break their all time Opening Day attendance record with approximately 213 people in attendance.
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Aaron Judge on his 4-strike out Opening Day performance: “I treat every game like a postseason game.”
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Paul Skenes’ girlfriend Livvy Dunne has left Citi Field after Skenes failed to complete one inning on opening day. Skenes gave up 5 earned runs in 0.2 innings.
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Incredible: Erika Kirk will throw out the first pitch for Cubs on Opening Day. Kirk will be there on behalf of Turning Point USA as their headquarters are located in Illinois.
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BREAKING: Giants 3B Rafael Devers has requested a trade, sources tell me.
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BREAKING: The MLB has parted ways with umpire Jen Pawol. Pawol was famously the first female umpire in MLB history.
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BREAKING: The New York Yankees have acquired the reigning Cy Young right-hander Paul Skenes in a trade with the Pittsburgh Pirates, sources tell me. Top prospect Spencer Jones, SS Anthony Volpe are headed to Pittsburgh. A monumental trade a day before the 2026 season begins.
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