The devil shivers when a white boy steps into the cold winter air in basketball shorts

If I saw Alvin and the chipmuks irl I would stuff them in a sock and hit them on counters rlly hard probably

Just waiting for someone to take my white ass to funky town #hoosiersbymurder

Hello sharks (holding a wired detonator in my shaky sweaty palms) today I will usher all of us into paradise

Horse walk into bar Bartender: hey Horse: sure

They tried to get me yesterday

I’m smoking off Brand cigarettes hand rolled by a child in cities u wouldn’t go with a gun

Everything I do is to show short fat Mexicans that anything is possible

The only way my family is getting me to AA is if Judy hopps is giving out foot jobs there

I keep having this dream where I’m playing elf basketball in their moonlit fortress city and they keep double dribbling on me and I keep saying you can’t do that and they keep saying yes you can Therapist:(writing MOLESTED in big block letters) so you feel betrayed by the elfs

I made the Jehovah’s Witness watch my front flips on the trampoline

Took acid and started strip mining under my house

If you go back to your high school as a “marching band technician” they should minority report style preemptively arrest you for statutory.

I’m lowkey horny and fat as a house omg I need to be killed

Shaved my bush and went down a pant size. Looks like a labubu was gunned down on my bathroom floor.

Got narcanned at Olive Garden Wednesday

Every ikea should have a beast somewhere inside it, such as a Minotaur or dog

Doing an Irish goodbye at my court hearing

I can lift a fully-grown horse above my head, and I can hold my breath for ten minutes. To settle a wager, I once ate a pound of P.B. Fouke's strongest badger poison and then ran a mile in the nude. I cannot feel pain, and I can see for two miles unaided by a lens.

Yearning for the humid chlorine air of an indoor water park