a piece of my roomba broke off and it vacuumed it up. self sucking little freak.

for sale: reply guy, never fucked.

oh my biological clock is ticking? how long until it explodes?.

what if they were called garbeanzo beans? i think that'd be fun.

who need they thumbs twiddled.

for reference

everyone at dragoncon come find me i have 50 sandwiches in my bag and they are SO heavy

i had a dream i got married and for some reason my wedding had a best dressed contest and i did not win. really love what my subconscious was doing there.

why are you guys getting mad at me? jar jar binks is the best character in star wars.

tom bombadil is the jar jar binks of the lord of the rings universe.

i was born in the right generation, i love picking my skin without having to worry about dying of a bacterial infection.

i think it's fun that cooking at a single dudes house is just like camping, why would we need more than one pot and two forks? that's too many things.

the bassist at the show i'm at is so drunk he just asked the crowd if anyone is currently in buffalo ny. we are in atlanta ga.

guys with a clown kink be like "need her carnivally".

first date idea: you come over and i force you to listen to the CDs i liked in 2011 on my 1001 model playstation

in the function. straight up 'fortuning it'. and by it haha well. let's just say. my tarots.

putt my life into pieces, this is my last wii sports.

what about 1 inch and a worm.

if you see my car rocking it's because I'm kicking my feet really fast.

when i was a kid there was a girl in gym class with a pacemaker but i thought it was a "pastemaker" and i always hated her because we couldn’t play dodgeball because of her. i’d just sit there like "fucking jessica and her fucking paste".