a piece of my roomba broke off and it vacuumed it up. self sucking little freak.

idk guys i think the punishment (divorce) fits the crime (coldplay concert).

i asked my brother if he was going to have an open bar at his wedding and he said there will be communion, i hope jesus is ready to get a transfusion.

that's it, I'm ready to find love

“have you ever tried this one?" *starts sobbing in the fetal position*.

telling people i didn't watch the youtube link they sent me because it didn't pass the bechdel test.

this tweet deserves to go viral, not that other one.

the name is sheldon. young sheldon.

i always leave my friends voicemails in case they suddenly decide to be a musician and need an interlude.

frank is staring at me like this in 90% of the pictures i take

red heads are crazy because they are full of red 40.

friend with benefits? how about someone who loves me unconditionally with benefits?.

seeing a rotisserie chicken for $5 doesn’t make me sad in an animal rights way, it’s just being slowly spun with a stick up my butt only to end up in a plastic coffin next to coleslaw for $4.99 feels like the most humiliating way to go.

pet play but it's me feeding you hydrogen peroxide until you puke up that thing you weren't supposed to eat.

hey man we're flying too close to the sun later if you wanna swing by.

i got hit by a truck at work and severed my hamstring but i stayed to finish my shift.

okay I need to clarify that I thought this was very cute but it was also over a year ago.

i went on a first date where he said he had a gift for me and then handed me this

oh you're a good person? name every worm you've saved from the sidewalk after it rains.

jk 17 hours now lmao lol rofl.