I don’t like to hear people telling me about their sex lives because it forces me to picture it, I don’t know if that means I’m a prude or I just need hotter friends

scientists say the brain is much more plastic when you’re young which explains why all my ideas in my twenties were unsalvageable garbage

me giving advice a year in to standup: I have all the answers try this and this and this me giving advice now: I don't know anything about anything live your life it'll work out somehow go for it or don't what does any of it even mean how's your soul feeling

comics are an easy hacking target because when a friend sends us a fake link to vote for them in an unnamed contest we jump on it like hey we're too broke to donate to anything but I can vote like hell for you for free this is my moment

a guy in Starbucks today asked me for my number which I thought was pretty bold but I still told him 22 if you count the dude in Vegas

sometimes in conversation I’ll try to credit the comedian whose joke I’m paraphrasing and I realized it probably sounds like name dropping until I remembered this great quote by I think it was my friend Eleanor Roosevelt who said something about not worrying what people think

ever hit your head so hard it clogs pores like great now I’ve got TWO bumps on my forehead

can't watch a Ryan Gosling movie without lecherously chuckling to myself ''I'd like to give HIM a baby goose'

people ask why I don’t dress up more, to me it just seems like being “a lot” + “extra” = “too much”

this Thanksgiving I’m thankful for the voice of Stacy and Clinton in my head reassuring me that waiting til my old underwear falls apart to buy more is not the act of valor I think it is #BlackFriday 🛍️

I love answering emails on a holiday because instead of wondering how to sign off at the end it's so much easier to just be like no I understand completely I won't be bothering you or your family again Mr Gosling thank you Happy Thanksgiving

first kiss comes during a late night kickabout, where she reveals her background as a goalkeeper, they spar ideologies about being on defense vs on offense until THEY BOTH LET THEIR DEFENSES DOWN BOOM SWOON it writes itself 💔

their eyes meet on the third u of “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” as they simultaneously get sprayed by a rogue tap at Mae’s pub 🍻

I subscribed for the checkmark to look more professional because meta wouldn’t give it to me, but since canceling they won’t stop trying to get me to come back by offering a free month like well well well look who’s begging to give me a blue checkmark now

I dunno guys after Tony’s hearty endorsement I just might be swayed to get a MyPillow

urgent cares are like restaurants where the waiter can come to your table three hours late and you still have to be like “thank you so much for seeing me”

I might be a little too supportive of friends taking breaks from standup, at this point it sounds more like I'm encouraging them to quit

sharing therapy discoveries about my mom with my siblings feels like I'm finally catching up on a mystery series they all watched ten years ago them: how's it going me: I just got to the part where she fires the maid do you think she's in on it

I think my therapist could have been a true crime producer, every session starts with a light chat about the weather but by the end she's got me like holy shit it was the babysitter all along

beans beans the magic legume the more you eat the more you fume the more you fume the better you feel who needs anger management