Matt.
@MattTheBrand
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Pinned Tweet
In hindsight this was my biggest contribution to society
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i’ve been really missing my friends lately so naturally i didn’t reach out or communicate with them whatsoever
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my parents, age 25: we're married with kids and we have a mortgage!
me, age 25: after i learn this tiktok dance i shall have some shredded cheese for dinner
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me in hell describing ‘gaslighting’ and ‘lovebombing’ to a medieval peasant who was executed for stealing a spoonful of buckwheat in 1259
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idk what college freshman needs to hear this but you don't wanna be a psych major you just need therapy
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therapist: you're overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don't
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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crazy how married people view sleeping on the couch as a punishment while i, a single person, view it as my special little vacation
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“slut era” i say to myself as i sit motionless in my apartment for the 300th night in a row
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[every bone in my body cracks as i rise from my chair] yes i would like to party
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my parents, age 25: we have a mortgage, a baby and a pension plan!
me, age 25: it's 3am and i can't afford an uber good thing i wore my running shoes!
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venmo me $5 and i will move to your ex's city, match with them on tinder, develop a deep emotional bond with them then disappear without a trace
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therapist: your feelings are valid
me: what if i FEEL that they are invalid
therapist: [scribbles "oh fuck" in her notes]
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me: * completes literally any task*
me: i think it’s time for a special treat :)
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i am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 little hungover
seeking:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a bagel
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how to process your emotions in a healthy way (i think)
- buy a new candle
- take a 45 min shower
- drink coffee until you throw up
- overshare online
- scream
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my new years resolution is to continue being a cutie fuckin patootie
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i don't want to "do things" or "take care of myself" i want to "sit very still" and "eat noodles"
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When i was a kid this is what i thought they meant my animal testing
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it can be sooo healing to waste $7 per day on special treats
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my little sister burst into my room while i was still asleep and yelled "IS THE BOOTS WITH THE FUR SONG CALLED APPLE BOTTOM JEANS YES OR NO" and while i appreciate her coming to me for my expertise she could have waited until normal business hours
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shout-out to all the college students who are home for the holidays thinking "idk i'm just not feeling the christmas spirit this year" you will never feel it again this is adulthood yes it's always this bad
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me re entering my friends lives now that im vaccinated after not responding to them for ten months straight
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me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
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eating a bagel at dunkin donuts and i heard someone at the drivethru try to pay for the next person's order and the cashier says "ok that's $38" and the guy at the window goes "man are you fucken kidding me"
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if the sims is only fun with cheat codes what does that say about capitalism
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i'm in my hometown for the holidays do y'all wanna hang out in my basement or your basement
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sometimes i think my anxiety isn't that bad then i remember that my roommate put me in charge of collecting my neighbors half of the internet bill every month so naturally i paid it for an entire year because confrontation makes me sick
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ARENT WE SO HAPPY IT GETS DARK AT 4PM ISNT THIS GREAT ARENT WE ALL SO GLAD
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does anyone else lay awake at night thinking about how locking your doors at night only provides the illusion of security like i literally locked myself out of my apartment and broke in with my panera card
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therapist: and what do we do when we feel sad
me: we get our nails did
therapist: [nods] we get our nails did
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this is me "shooting my shot" just sitting completely still drinking my sleepytime tea hoping they message me first
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could a depressed person do THIS?
(i am moisturizing my elbows)
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"dOnT tExT DuRinG a DaTe iTs RuDe"
if my friends DONT text me back while they're on a date i will call the fucking fbi and have a SWAT team rain fire down on that restaurant i swear to GOD
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What many ppl don’t understand is trying to have a “nice day” costs $120
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(morning after drinking 13 gin and tonics in one night) idk i feel weirdly bad
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what's the worst date you ever went on? one time i met up with a girl at a bar and we went back to her place but she started throwing up and locked herself in the bathroom then the fire alarm went off so we stood outside in the snow until 4am then she ghosted me
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at a certain age all ur friends start getting married and suddenly it’s like ok i’m hanging out with my bestie and also some guy is here
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dragged myself to starbucks this morning after going out last night and the barista looked at me and says "oh good you're alive" excuse me ma'am what do you know
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heyy happy valentine's day! what's a song that makes you sad? like absolutely wrecks you emotionally. asking for a friend :)
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am i depressed or do i just not have enough enrichment in my enclosure
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my coworkers trying to have a normal day:
me on my 27th cup of coffee before noon: y'all mind if i scream
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first base: crying in their apartment at 4am
second base: kissing ?
third base: going to panera bread
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me: i am happy and content being single
me after half a glass of $7 red wine: it has been a fortnight since i've known affection my heart grows withered and cold i-
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you're crying over a boy who is, and i cannot stress this enough, a boy
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me to my friends: your feelings are valid you are an angel
me to myself: you goddamn fucking idiot stop feeling like this you disgust me
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hey babe I’m sorry but I need to set some boundaries. pls get in ur crate
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i just want to have a perfect body and be adored by everyone and never experience pain is this too much to ask
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i regret to inform my haters that i'm still a lil cutie patootie
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getting a good night's sleep:
- boring
- too dark
- i just go unconscious ??
drinking 27 cups of coffee:
- lit af
- terrifies my roommate craig
- i can see god
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one time i told my sister that i had a peanut butter problem wherein i physically could not stop eating peanut butter so she bought me the largest jar available and an engraved spoon that said "peanut butter bitch" to this day i have never felt more seen
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is he flirting or do i perceive any friendly gesture from a man as a sexual advance because men so rarely treat me with respect for any other reason
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they call it greek life yet nobody in this frat has seen mamma mia
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🎶 makin a list
🎶 checkin it twice
🎶 make another list
🎶 i love lists
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therapist: how does that make you feel
me after years of working on my emotional intelligence and ability to communicate my feelings:
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don't worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
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watching my mom make me mac and cheese while i'm home for the holidays
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me just vibin in my apartment after successfully cancelling plans
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twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out "pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy" and nobody laughed
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millennial culture is buying a bunch of potted succulents to fulfill your evolutionary desire to care for something during your prime reproductive years
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Hey man do they have any sweet treats at the function or should we pre
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pov: you're waiting to murder me in my sleep but you realize i'm not going to bed any time soon
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my quarantine schedule:
3:00pm: wake up
3:30pm: dread
4:00pm: coffee and brooding
5:00pm: more coffee and brooding
6:00pm: anxiety attack
7:00pm: dwelling on the past
2:00am: light weeping
2:30am: dread and skincare
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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her: i'm cold
me: [just shotgunned my 8th iced coffee of the day] i will hurl you into the sun
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Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
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saying "we don't talk anymore"
- sad
- boring
- you definitely got dumped
saying "ashes to ashes dust to dust"
- dramatic
- mysterious
- you sound like a rich widow with a terrible secret
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NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
NORMALIZE TELLING ME I'M CUTE
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fun money saving tips:
- go out less
- cancel credit cards
- sell your belongings
- eat less food
- die
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time to “cook dinner” or as i like to call it “wash my hands 75 times”
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(after consuming enough caffeine to kill a 1200lb bison) idk im feeling weirdly anxious rn :/
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remember the olden days (last week) when we could go buy iced coffee and drive around with the windows down turns out that was the meaning of life
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imagine you're a pizza delivery person. you're driving along and the navigation says you have arrived. you're speeding down the highway at 75mph next to me and i am motioning for you to toss the pizza into my car like a frisbee
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i don't wear oversized sweatshirts for fashion i wear them because i've lost some weight and can't afford new clothes on account of the student debt crisis in america
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therapist: how have you been doing this week
me: i purchased several new succulents
therapist: [scribbles "not good" in her notes]
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my roommate did this really weird thing today where he got down on one knee and proposed to me then said "we've been dating for 4 years" and "your commitment issues are tearing us apart" do you think he has a crush on me yes or no
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