Martin Pilgrim
@MartinPilgrim1
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23,272
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Joke writer and postal worker
Bristol, UK
Joined March 2013
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Last Seen Profiles
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We're both covered in the same pasta sauce.
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I hate it when Americans include the year and model of a car in a story and you have to guess from context if it's a really good car or a really bad car.
"My husband showed up to our first date in a 1983 Chevrolet Anaconda."
"Haha, what a total loser or millionaire."
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I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It's like seeing my favourite band live.
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1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone's birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
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My favourite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.
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It's strange that Freddos are cheaper per gram than Dairy Milk bars. It suggests that chocolate is naturally frog-shaped and making it rectangular is an expensive industrial process.
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This morning I had to open a new bottle of milk, a new bag of coffee and a new box of cornflakes for the same breakfast. This is called a breakfast eclipse and it only happens once every six and a half years.
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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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It's strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That's just watching paint that's already dry.
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Rear Window is such a great film. My neighbour across the street watches it all the time.
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I wish there were other property trading board games besides Monopoly. It shouldn't be allowed to dominate the market like that.
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I would feel more comfortable if it couldn't walk.
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I don't think they should be forcing the Chocolate King to do anything.
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I'm sitting opposite Five Guys and Claire's Accessories, both of which were also rejected names for the band Steps.
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"Only ten percent of an iceberg is above the surface. Most things are basically what they seem."- Fish proverb
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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I hate it when people ask me when I'm going to settle down. I've done nothing but watch television in bed since about 2015. I'm pretty settled.
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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If breakfast was really the most important meal of the day, it wouldn't need so many mascots. There's no cartoon monkey singing about beef stroganoff and that's why people respect dinner.
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I reckon if we tweet about the death of this giant rabbit enough we can confuse future historians into thinking this is how Easter started.
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I’ve invented a product called “I’m Fully Aware It’s Not Butter”. It’s ketchup mixed with raisins.
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I could never be a parent. The temper tantrums, the fussy eating, the playground fights. I can't just drop all that and raise a child.
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Introvert tip: Always carry a pint of milk in the summer so you can turn down invitations to spontaneous outdoor fun by saying "Sorry I've got to get this back to the fridge."
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I'm happy to watch any film with Timothée Chalamet. I know he's busy, but the offer is always there.
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I'm destroying evidence.
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A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she'd just gone to the toilet and now she's back and she hates me.
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It's called the ignition. I would've expected DVLA to know that.
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There's a place in Bristol with £8.50 coffee. My shirt cost £5. If I spilled some on my shirt I'd be annoyed that I'd got shirt on my coffee
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I’ve really enjoyed watching all of the James Bond films in order. Next I’m going to do all of the non-James Bond films. I’ll start with that one where a train arrives, and then work my way through to Sonic the Hedgehog 2.
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I'm disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There's hardly any. What am I even paying for?
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I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I'll be able to afford a television.
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I'm tired of watching from the sidelines while other people do cool things. This year, I'm going to stand further away and maybe bring a book.
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Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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Beer tastes better after 20 minutes in the freezer. There’s nothing like escaping from a freezer to work up a thirst.
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Umbrella Academy is bad for my self-esteem. I don't need to see a bunch of exceptional people who were born in the same year as me. I already have Taylor Swift for that.
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A bad craftsman blames his tools. A lonely craftsman gives his tools names and dresses them up in hats.
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My mum used to say that when one door closes another one opens. Our house wasn't very well designed.
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Bad Boys For Life is a great way to avoid the 5p Bad Boys charge.
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I didn't become a comedy writer to make friends. Somebody already made Friends in the 90s. My idea is called "Coffee Crew" and it's completely different.
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This headline sounds like a mnemonic you'd use to remember something for your GCSE science exam.
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Charles Bukowski drank a pint of whisky and two six packs of beer every night while he was writing Post Office. Tonight I drank a Coors Light and wrote a blog about how to avoid phishing scams. Just a couple of tortured souls spilling our guts on the page.
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Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They're just selling them back to you in a different order.
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I love saying "apologies" instead of "sorry". It's like saying "money" instead of actually paying someone back.
5
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I saw the least popular Disney dwarves of my generation: Starving, Hysterical, Naked.
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I hate it when there’s a James Bond song that doesn't say the name of the film. I don’t want any of this Writing’s on the Wall nonsense. Sam Smith should be singing “Hey Mr Spectre/ It’s nice to have met ya’/ Overhead projector/ etcetera etcetera”. That’s a proper Bond theme.
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I once ate a salad after completing a hedge maze and it's the most superior I've ever felt to plants. I bested them mentally and physically.
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I always put raisins on my cornflakes and it makes me think about the unpredictable nature of the universe. These grapes have ended up as a cheap topping on my morning cereal, but they could just as easily have ended up as a fine wine on my evening cereal.
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Me and my friends went to see Cats on New Year's Day so that "2020 could only get better from there". It's been a lot closer than I expected, but I'd still say it worked.
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My friend once predicted that I'd end up alone with 12 cats. Joke's on him. You're never alone with 12 cats.
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When you think about it, it's crazy that one of the best poets was called William Wordsworth. That's like if Vincent van Gogh was called Johnny Paintbrush.
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I never used to wear gilets, but I bought one this winter and it's been great. I like how it warms my body while leaving my arms free for tasks such as waving at other people in gilets and pointing at gilets I might like to buy in the future.
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I haven't been able to watch a James Bond film since Sean Connery died. I shouldn't have lent him my DVD player.
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One Hundred Years of Solitude is only 400 pages long. That's a year of solitude every four pages. Three months of solitude per page. Every line is a day and a half of solitude. I defy you to find a book with a better paper to solitude ratio.
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It's tough being a face painter with no hand-eye coordination, but it's worth it to see the smiles on those children's necks.
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I hate it when under 18's disguise themselves as stationery.
9
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People always miss the point of 1984. It's not about one specific year. Orwell is saying that the eighties were terrible in general.
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I never know when to end a sentence with "baby". Sometimes it's charming e.g. "That's just how I roll, baby", but sometimes it's offensive e.g. "I don't think the two of you should've had a baby".
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When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It's good practice for when I'm performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter.
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I've got someone coming round today to fix my tumble dryer. I'm really tempted to open the door in dripping wet clothes and say "Thank God you're here!"
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AI is only a threat to mediocre writers who can't come up with compelling and coherent ways to describe things. That's why I'm so worried. I'm as worried as a horse.
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Free Willy was a huge part of my childhood. It made me feel less alone at a time when I was also struggling to attract customers to my aquarium.
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I had very little success before the age of 30. This has made it much easier to cope with having very little success after the age of 30.
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My friend told me that I should drink almond milk because it produces 80% fewer greenhouse gas emissions than dairy milk. I'm usually quite set in my ways, but I've decided to bite the bullet and switch to a different friend.
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My Spanish is a mixture of GCSE & Narcos. I can ask where the swimming pool is but only in a way that implies I want to dump a body there.
2
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If you're over 25 and you hold a pair of Converse All Stars up to your ear you can hear the sound of your band never quite making it.
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The worst thing about a dystopian future is that the kids will probably describe it as "Totes dystopes".
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Why are there only summer and winter Olympics? They should have an autumn Olympics where the pool is full of leaves and some parts of the stadium are haunted.
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I always used to oversleep and miss appointments, but now I've trained my body to stop making appointments.
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn't reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
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I used to watch Friends and think "When I'm in my 20s my life will be just like this." I was totally right: my life is still mostly spent watching Friends.
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They're playing the whole of Nevermind in Primark. It's so strange to hear one of the defining cultural touchstones of my life being soundtracked by Nirvana.
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Don't feel too sorry for single people on Valentine's Day. We have our own annual tradition where we do whatever we want for 365 days.
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As a millennial, I find it hard to sympathise with the characters in haunted house films. You own a house- who cares if the walls bleed a bit?
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I don't understand people who complain about how busy they are at Christmas. It's the only time of year you're allowed to say "'tis" and "'twas" instead of "it is" and "it was". I'm saving about five hours a day.
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I love Charles Dickens' character names. It's always like "Sorry Billy. Mrs Nicelady is dead. We're sending you to live with Mr Stabyouintheface at Stabyouintheface Hall."
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I hate films where nobody turns out to be a ghost. I don't need every character to turn out to be a ghost, but not having a single character turn out to be a ghost is just lazy writing.
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can't wear my white t-shirt because it'll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can't wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
3
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My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying "Frankenstein" isn't technically correct, but I can't remember your baby's real name.
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At my funeral they'd better read out a list of all the Playstation games I completed, otherwise it'll look like I did nothing with my life.
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Girl on Tinder has a photo cuddling a piglet at a petting zoo & then a photo eating a roast dinner. Should I ask her if it's the same pig?
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I've achieved so little this year that, if I sent out a Christmas newsletter, making a Christmas newsletter would be mentioned in it.
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"Hey, Plato, they're naming an adjective after you!"
"Great! Does it mean wise and influential?"
"No, it means none of your friends want to sleep with you."
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What's the best age for getting married? I would say Elizabethan because you can have a lute player at the reception.
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I wish the kerchief industry would go beyond handkerchiefs and neckerchiefs. I want a backerchief, a chestkerchief, a pair of footkerchiefs. I want so many kerchiefs that people call me Chief Kerchief.
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If you say "slaw" instead of coleslaw you will save around 40 seconds a year, which can be used to take a long hard look at yourself.
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I���m looking forward to this wild period of free love after the pandemic but I’d like to know if it’s going to be 1920s cocaine and jazz free love or 1960s LSD in a field free love. Just so I know what shoes to wear.
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When I was 10, my dad told me that our dog had gone to live on a farm. It was years before I discovered the truth. The dog had serious gambling debts and was working on the farm as a way to pay them off.
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I hate it when people think they have to choose between having a successful career and a fulfilling personal life. I'm living proof that it's possible to have neither.
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My friend made the mistake of hiring a clown for her six year old son's birthday party. He was completely traumatised and hasn't worked as a clown since.
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My neighbours have covered their front door in birthday decorations. It seems a bit excessive. I don't even know when my door's birthday is.
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I eat cake every day so I find it hard to get excited about birthday cake. It’s just my normal lunch except it’s on fire and I have to share it.
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Ever since the referendum result I've been playing a really fun drinking game called "Drinking more than usual because I'm worried."
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It’s hard to enjoy Romeo and Juliet once you discover that Juliet is 13. Barely a teenager and she already has her own balcony. I can’t relate to that kind of success.
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My dream is to experience a year where I have sex more times than I vote.
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