This asshole raised prices and ruined your retirement savings, and now he's out golfing for the rest of the weekend.

Is it supposed to look like this?

Imagine loving “Joker 2” this much.

Starting to look at this site the same way I look at my leather pants from 2001. I think I might be out.

There isn't gonna be an ounce of horse shit left in Philly after this game. #SuperBowl

I'm getting a strong "Red Sox managed by Bobby Valentine" vibe out of America right now.

DRY JANUARY UPDATE: I'm currently sleeping like Michael Jackson on two bags of propofol.

“Going To Bed Drunk” — Self Portrait

Hang in there LA! We’re all pulling for you.

A giant bald eagle just landed in a tree in my backyard. It was getting chased by a bunch of crows. I’m like, come on, man. Have a little self respect.

Not now, nerd! Read the room! https://t.co/EIPd9KG4Zr

One day of Dry January down! Celebrating with a couple Bloody Marys.

Happy New Years, ding dongs!

2025 is going to be awful! Happy New year!!!!

Christ, is it midnight yet?

I once met Jimmy Carter at a book signing in 1995. All I can say is he had the most hypnotically blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I had a whole plan to say something cool when I got my chance then he looked at me with these lasers. I’m 100% convinced that’s how he became president.

My nightly firewood use could only compare to a functioning cocaine addiction that’s 2 months away from becoming a real problem

I guess I better start my Christmas shopping.

HOT TAKE: George Bailey is the worst thing that ever happened to Bedford Falls. Place was a yawner when he was around. The second he’s out of the picture its a 24 hour party!

It's just so tricky to figure out if vaccines work or not Let's look at polio. The data isn't clear We may never know