I’m always thinking about Oz Pearlman’s mom just in case he ever comes at me with that “I know who you’re thinking of” bullshit.

Am I crazy or does this blowfish kind of look like Trump?

I guess this op-ed is about personal liberties

This is a really cool name for a network. Because MS is shorthand for a debilitating autoimmune disease that is very sad, and this network name suggests that yes I want that disease, and I want it now!

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Just hearing about this now. Call me baby! Did anybody say that yet? Am I still first? Call me baby! Like the song but with baby!

Being a parent is so hard. My wife doesn’t like for my son to use the word “sucks” but then how am I supposed to respond when he asks me about the Jets?

6-7 gives me hope for the future. There's an entire generation out there who doesn't give a fuck what adults are up to & what we're destroying & how much we're fucking up. They have their own shit going on & they're all in on it together & it's fun & it doesn't involve us at all.

Oh fuck you directions on my new toothbrush

I fucking called it! The second they got engaged I was like yo those two are definitely gonna get married! Called it like right away.

Wonder which of these places people will focus on

I know a lot of people are joking about this but about ten years ago, my uncle was on an escalator that stopped moving after a few seconds and it really ripped my family apart. He's literally still there. We visit him and yell up to him, etc. But it's not the same as it was.

Exciting news. I have just one more payment on my Apple Watch that I haven’t worn since 2023!

Despite how you feel about someone, even if you think they're a genuinely bad person, nobody deserves to be the victim of a violent act simply because of the words they say.

It’s cool that Al Pacino is such a good actor that nobody even batted an eye as he’s transformed into a beautiful majestic lion.

The Trump White House is so bad at this that the proof of life video is gonna be dated footage of Trump partying with Hulk Hogan.

This guy’s commitment to his craft is just nuts. He literally fathered a child and raised that child to be a film director for this role. So admirable.

So crazy that Brenda and Eddie were newlyweds just as SNL was airing their first episode in ‘75.

Tell me you’re in a cult without telling me you’re in a cult

Just thought of a good @kileynoodles joke. Will sell it to him for $5.

You would think one of these people would look down the line, consider the company they’re keeping, and have a moment of clarity where they’re like, “Oh no, I think I might be a piece of shit.”