Laura Kuenssberg beyond parody
@LKTranslator
Followers
253,979
Following
41,027
Media
89
Statuses
5,137
The UK's finest journalist. Once had a fling with Boris Johnson. Parody. Follow my Substack 👇
Normal Island
Joined February 2015
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
#母の日
• 289785 Tweets
#MothersDay
• 197555 Tweets
ヴィクトリアマイル
• 165417 Tweets
テンハッピーローズ
• 95888 Tweets
ストフェス
• 86341 Tweets
#AnnelerGünü
• 70331 Tweets
カーネーション
• 48557 Tweets
Roger Corman
• 46302 Tweets
マスクトディーヴァ
• 39174 Tweets
ナミュール
• 38523 Tweets
WIN5
• 35126 Tweets
津村騎手
• 29894 Tweets
#ユーフォ3期
• 26372 Tweets
#やまラスト
• 22441 Tweets
ツムツム
• 17865 Tweets
#GO時間生配信
• 13564 Tweets
ヴェルディ
• 13082 Tweets
#CRカップ
• 12761 Tweets
才木完封
• 11724 Tweets
#鉄腕DASH
• 11600 Tweets
Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
While you're all here, don't forget to sign up to my newsletter! It's the most important news source on the internet and will change your life forever ♥️
0
6
17
"The servant must clear my desk for me. I can't be expected to move things."
19K
48K
322K
BREAKING: You will be pleased to know hospitals are cancelling appointments for cancer patients on the day of the Queen's funeral as a "mark of respect" and no, this one is not satire either. This island is getting a little too sinister for my liking.
2K
41K
248K
BREAKING: Prince Harry is not allowed to wear his military uniform to the funeral because he married Meghan Markle, but you will be pleased to know Prince Andrew can still wear his uniform because he's only a nonce x
2K
15K
120K
BREAKING: The queue to see the Queen is now the second longest queue in the world. The only queue that's longer is the queue for people to get NHS treatment that was cancelled for the funeral x
656
10K
61K
BREAKING: Rishi Sunak has vowed to tackle the inflation caused by Rishi Sunak and lower the taxes set by Rishi Sunak x
327
9K
52K
BREAKING: The British media have explained they're extremely angry at Meghan Markle for turning up. They have also confirmed they would've been absolutely disgusted if she'd stayed home x
955
6K
50K
BREAKING: Royalists have explained King Charles is allowed to snarl at his servants because his mother died, but Prince Harry is not allowed to hold his wife's hand because his grandmother died x
424
6K
45K
BREAKING: Everything bad that they told us would happen under Jeremy Corbyn is happening under Boris Johnson
312
8K
44K
BREAKING: Boris Johnson is looking at a second £50 fine for attending his aide's leaving do. Meanwhile, people who only broke the law that he introduced once were fined £10,000. That's one hell of a double standard x
606
7K
40K
BREAKING: Suella Braverman says: "There are too many people in this country who are of working age, who are of good health, and who are choosing to rely on benefits", such as Tory MPs like Suella Braverman who claimed £159,000.12 in expenses last year x
664
10K
39K
BREAKING: Members of the government who decided the public should be fined £10,000 for illegal parties have been fined £50 for their own illegal parties. Don't you love British justice? x
493
9K
38K
BREAKING: Rishi Sunak has made a powerful speech explaining how as prime minister he would undo all of the damage caused by Rishi Sunak as chancellor x
283
6K
37K
BREAKING: It is now a public order offense to hold up a sign saying "Not my king" and no, this is not satire. This is all getting rather frightening, isn't it?
1K
6K
34K
BREAKING: Turns out King Charles gave his staff redundancy notices during a church service for the queen. You might not be allowed to make political statements at the moment, but the rich are still allowed to make you unemployed x
693
7K
34K
BREAKING: Tory MPs have explained they are now outraged by the sewage discharges they voted for, because the public have found out and it's making them look bad x
244
8K
34K
BREAKING: Neil Parish, the MP who was watching porn in parliament, went on GB News earlier this week and discussed the unnamed MP who was watching porn in parliament. God, I give up! How the fuck do I even parody this shit?
471
5K
33K
BREAKING: Turns out Twitter royalists are still angrier at Harry and Meghan than they are at the actual paedophile in the family. Make it make sense x
429
4K
32K
BREAKING: You will be astonished to hear MedPro, the company run by a Tory peer that was awarded a £203 million PPE contract in the VIP lane, despite having no PPE experience, has gone bust for unpaid taxes and is getting investigated for potential fraud x
669
10K
32K
BREAKING: The Metropolitan Police have explained that senior staff didn't get fined for attending the same parties as junior staff because the senior staff refused to fill in the questionnaire. I'm not even making this up, it's really what they said! x
714
8K
31K
BREAKING: You will be astonished to hear the quarantine hotel for Heathrow which reportedly charges people 5x over the odds for crappy food is owned by a Tory donor x
700
7K
29K
BREAKING: Liz Truss has reiterated that she may not be the "slickest presenter", but with her, "what you see, is what you get". This is deeply concerning because what we all see is a massive fucking idiot x
353
4K
28K
BREAKING: Priti Patel has explained she was not sacked. She actually stepped down voluntarily so she could take a job at a Dalmation farm, working for a coat manufacturer x
247
3K
28K
BREAKING: 94% of Express readers say they haven't got the Brexit they voted for, which is funny because they got exactly the Brexit the rest of us told them they would get and they didn't listen x
237
5K
28K
BREAKING: British travellers are upset to discover there's now a hard border with France, because Brexit was supposed to stop foreign people coming in from Europe, not British going into Europe. We were supposed to have special privilege x
474
5K
28K
BREAKING: Mick Lynch has absolutely bodied another journalist x
414
6K
28K
BREAKING: The royal family are said to be deeply touched that foodbanks have been closed to commemorate the Queen ❤️
810
3K
27K
BREAKING: North Korea just held a 4 day party which cost a billion in which celebs cheered a massive hologram of Kim Jong Un & everyone forced smiles & pretended to love him while N. Korean children went without food & necessities. So glad I live in a normal country like the UK x
177
4K
27K
BREAKING: Rishi Sunak has explained that just because his wife's home is in the UK and their children go to school in the UK and his job is in the UK, does not mean his wife is a resident in the UK. Hope this clarifies things x
651
5K
27K
BREAKING: Nadine Dorries & Boris Johnson went on a bender, then attended PMQs when they were still pissed & Nadine Dorries spent the entire time yelling "You're boring" at Sir Keir Starmer. You're probably thinking this is a joke, but it really happened x
1K
7K
27K
BREAKING: In 2018, Boris Johnson tried to make his mistress Carrie Johnson (then Symonds) his chief of staff and pay her £100,000 a year while his wife of 26 years and mother to four of his many children, Marina Wheeler, developed cervical cancer. What a guy 😍
572
7K
26K
BREAKING: A petition demanding a general election has been signed by 4 times as many people as voted for Liz Truss to become prime minister. Needless to say it will be completely ignored because we don't live in a real democracy x
312
5K
26K
BREAKING: Turns out the UK government imposes harsher sanctions on Universal Credit claimants than it does on Russian oligarchs x
167
6K
26K
It's amazing how the Metropolitan Police can arrest a woman for heading to a peaceful protest so much quicker than they can arrest Tory MPs who commit sexual assault, isn't it?
198
5K
26K
BREAKING: The Met Police are now handing evidence of a *crime* to Sue Gray for investigation, instead of investigating the crime themselves. I give up, how the fuck do I even parody this? x
216
4K
25K
BREAKING: Up to 70 Tory MPs are understood to be planning to topple Liz Truss as prime minister. They only need 40. Have a lovely evening x
715
3K
25K
BREAKING: Looks like the prime minister nuked all the newspaper stories about Carrie's £100k job with a super-injunction. This looks an awful lot like "woke leftie cancel culture" to me. Can't believe the prime minister isn't so keen on free speech x
243
6K
24K
BREAKING: Sajid Javid and Rishi Sunak have both vowed to reduce corporation tax from 25% to 15% if they become prime minister, which, by a bizarre coincidence, is exactly what their wealthy corporate donors want them to do x
463
5K
24K
BREAKING: The United Kingdom has a new Worst Prime Minister Ever x
532
3K
24K
BREAKING: If you need cheering up, the latest opinion poll predicts the Tories would lose 191 seats at the next general election x
796
3K
24K
BREAKING: Boris Johnson says we should keep wives out of politics, but it's definitely okay to invite them to work meetings in the garden x
427
3K
24K
BREAKING: Rishi Sunak plans to scrap university courses that don't improve earning potential, presumably meaning we will have to make do without any new teachers or nurses x
483
4K
24K
BREAKING: Staff at The Daily Express (which frequently warns of the dangers of "militant unions") are set to go on strike over low pay. This is really funny, isn't it? x
275
4K
24K
BREAKING: Apparently lots of people are upset that Scousers refused to sing a "national anthem" about God saving a woman who paid off her son's rape victim with your money x
293
4K
24K
BREAKING: King Charles has uninvited Harry and Meghan to a state reception on Sunday at Buckingham Palace, just in case you were in any doubt what a dreadful father he is x
2K
3K
23K
BREAKING: The police have explained they will ignore law breaking in Downing Street, but arrest people for protesting law breaking in Downing Street x
97
5K
23K
BREAKING: The royal family is getting a "£30 million bonus" from you, the tax payer, in a year when they've paid off a rape victim and everyone else is facing a cost of living crisis. Isn't that fucking lovely? x
335
5K
23K
BREAKING: The economy is doing so well that UNICEF will feed children in the UK for the first time in history x
286
5K
23K
BREAKING: Conservatives are absolutely livid because Harry held his wife Meghan's hand, but they're not mad that Mike held Zara's hand and nobody can figure out why 🤔
491
3K
23K
BREAKING: If you are upset with your national insurance going up, you will be relieved that Chancellor Rishi Sunak's billionaire wife has avoided paying tax through her non-dom status. Isn't it lovely how rich people have a get out clause and you don't? x
406
5K
23K
BREAKING: Man who wanted someone else to buy him a £150,000 tree house advises rail workers to live within their means x
106
5K
23K
BREAKING: The British people who are shocked that 42% of French people voted for a fascist seem to have forgotten that 43% of British people voted for the Tories x
258
4K
23K
If we need three prime ministers to have three attempts at getting Brexit done, it's probably because Brexit was a shit idea x
129
3K
23K
BREAKING: The Met Police are unable to explain how journalists found more partygate evidence in 24 hours than they did in 4 whole months. It's almost like their inadequacy was deliberate x
268
4K
22K
BREAKING: Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Iain Duncan Smith are currently projected to lose their seats at the next general election. Have a nice evening x
567
2K
22K
BREAKING: There has been a huge mistake at the BBC. Someone put Mick Lynch live on air and he's made us look like massive dickheads again x
333
4K
22K
BREAKING: Boris Johnson has won the vote of confidence, meaning the Tory Party decided there was no possible way they could improve upon the worst prime minister in living memory 😳
222
4K
22K
BREAKING: Rishi Sunak has explained only he can rebuild the economy that was destroyed by Rishi Sunak x
199
4K
22K
BREAKING: Priti Patel has explained that spending £500,000 on deportation to Rwanda was definitely the most cost effective way of processing 7 refugees who would've otherwise received a £40.85 a month refugee allowance in the UK x
472
5K
22K
BREAKING: The royal family has confirmed democracy has been suspended indefinitely as a tribute to the Queen x
325
3K
22K
BREAKING: Turns out Dido Harding and Mike Coupe cost Britain 4 times more money than the Iraq war. I'm struggling to comprehend how this was even possible x
351
6K
22K
BREAKING: Rishi Sunak vows to ditch EU laws that are "holding Britain back", by which he means all the laws that are stopping you from being exploited in the workplace. Isn't this exciting? x
255
5K
22K
BREAKING: Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have both insisted they are the only candidate who can repair the economic damage caused by Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss x
150
4K
22K
BREAKING: Jacob Rees-Mogg has explained that although his faith compels him to be anti-abortion, that faith is not strong enough to stop him profiting from abortion pills x
143
4K
22K
BREAKING: The High Court has ruled the government acted unlawfully by letting Dido Harding run Test and Trace. Dido was given a budget of £37 billion to run a system which was a catastrophic failure, but you can rest assured absolutely nothing will happen x
242
5K
22K
BREAKING: Carrie Johnson has explained she was able to afford her £60,000 wallpaper after giving up her Netflix subscription x
262
2K
21K
BREAKING: You will be devastated to hear Michael Gove has been trapped in an airport for 30 hours due to Brexit-related delays x
868
2K
21K
BREAKING: Turns out Rishi Sunak didn't bugger off to California for a holiday after all. Well, he did stay at his holiday home, but you'll be reassured to know that while he was there, he was negotiating the takeover of the NHS by the worst health service in the developed world x
238
7K
21K
BREAKING: Liz Truss has ordered France to "fix travel chaos". She doesn't seem to understand France has taken control of its borders and is trying to keep the undesirable foreigners out x
447
3K
21K
BREAKING: The government who spent £500,000 on a flight that never took off are telling the working class they're only hungry because they can't budget properly x
196
4K
21K
BREAKING: The UK can afford 3 limousines to drive a £3 million hat 3 miles so that an unelected man can tell us we won't be helping our hungriest citizens during a cost of living crisis x
240
5K
21K
BREAKING: You will be thrilled to hear that people with 2nd homes like politicians will be getting the £400 energy grant twice. Rich people will be getting twice as much as you x
511
4K
21K
BREAKING: The BBC has reported that a woman protesting in Hong Kong could receive up to 10 years in prison. I bet you're glad you live in a western democracy like the UK where the punishment for peaceful protest is only 10 years in prison x
96
6K
21K
BREAKING: Suella Braverman is set to move quickly to withdraw the UK from the ECHR. This is because the evil she has planned is totally illegal under European and international law. Are you afraid yet? x
616
5K
21K
BREAKING: Liz Truss was so angry that Rishi Sunak increased taxes that she voted for those tax increases herself, a total of 15 times x
99
4K
21K
BREAKING: John Major has eviscerated Boris Johnson's government 😘
502
6K
21K
BREAKING: Everyone has now resigned from the Tory government, apart from Nadine Dorries who is proudly standing by her man and Dominic Raab who does not know what the fuck is going on x
203
3K
21K
BREAKING: The Metropolitan Police have charged 4 people for attending the vigil of Sarah Everard. I'm still unclear why they haven't given them a questionnaire and let them ignore it like they do with senior Tories x
170
4K
21K
BREAKING: Rishi Sunak’s wife received a £12 million dividend from a company with a Russian office that helps to "fund bullets that are killing children and civilians". Time to confiscate Sunak's yachts x
204
5K
20K
BREAKING: Prince Andrew may be sent to Scotland to "rebuild his life". As yet, I'm unclear why he is not being sent to Rwanda, given it's a safe country and he has behaved illegally x
508
3K
20K
BREAKING: Nadine Dorries has confirmed the privatisation of Channel 4 is revenge for Channel 4 telling the truth about her government x
174
3K
20K
BREAKING: Entire nation gutted to discover we could have spent the last two summers working in the garden with our spouses, 17 friends and a plentiful supply of wine without breaking Covid restrictions
94
3K
20K
BREAKING: Prime minister who skipped five Cobra meetings during a national crisis is extremely angry that rail workers have missed three shifts
#PMQs
72
4K
20K
BREAKING: Liz Truss says she is confident that cafes can cope with their energy bills rising from £10,000 to £55,000 a year and she doesn't see what the problem is x
1K
3K
20K
BREAKING: We're hearing reports from Ukraine that the resignation of a Tory MP has had absolutely no bearing on the war over there whatsoever. Astonishingly, it looks like Tories can resign during wars after all x
89
3K
20K
BREAKING: A woman called Sylvia is still in police custody after being arrested because police suspected she was going to join a peaceful protest. Just thought I'd let you know in case you were under the impression we live in a democracy x
149
5K
20K
BREAKING: Jack Monroe is considering suing Tory MP Lee Anderson for libel after he accused her of being a millionaire taking money from the most vulnerable members of society. This is brilliant. Get the popcorn ready x
219
2K
20K
BREAKING: The producers of Line of Duty have apologised to Cressida Dick for portraying the Met Police as corrupt in 2019, explaining they massively understated the true scale of the corruption and will strive to be more accurate in future x
98
3K
19K
BREAKING: The junior staff who were thrown under a bus by Boris Johnson want revenge and they have the receipts. Get the popcorn ready x
268
2K
19K
BREAKING: Boris Johnson wants to make Britain the second country to pull out of the European Convention on Human Rights. The other country is Russia and they did this because of the Ukraine war. Doesn't this make you proud to be British? x
452
5K
19K
BREAKING: Elon Musk is buying Twitter for $43 billion because he didn't feel like solving world hunger 6 times over x
53
3K
19K
BREAKING: R Kelly has been sentenced to 30 years in prison for committing the same crime as Prince Andrew
218
3K
19K
We're going to find out Cressida Dick was at the party, aren't we? x
447
2K
19K
BREAKING: Turns out the head of Thames Water is taking home nearly £40,000 a week. She's really not earning that money, is she? x
456
5K
19K
BREAKING: After insisting that Jeremy Corbyn would take Britain back to the 1970s, The Sun is now complaining the guy they backed instead has taken us back to the 1970s x
127
3K
19K
BREAKING: The Tories are going to delete House of Commons attendance records because you are not allowed to know which of the MPs you're paying over £80k a year has bothered to attend work that day. Isn't that lovely? x
258
5K
19K
BREAKING: The same MPs who sadly had "no choice" but to raise your National Insurance have just voted to give bankers a massive tax cut. You really couldn't make it up x
141
6K
18K
BREAKING: Boris Johnson says if he did not offer a £100k job to his mistress Carrie Symonds in 2018, this would've been unfair because he'd given his previous mistress Jennifer Arcuri a £100k job in 2016. This was about equality in the workplace x
186
4K
18K
BREAKING: Steve Bray has now had his possessions confiscated by the parliamentary police for peacefully protesting. He remains unclear why he wasn't simply handed a questionnaire and given a couple of weeks to respond x
113
4K
18K
BREAKING: As farmers warn of catastrophic food shortages due to a lack of workers, every gammon who said "they're coming here and taking our jobs" seems very reluctant to reclaim one of those jobs x
176
3K
18K
BREAKING: You know how Boris Johnson boasted that he introduced the Freedom Pass when Susanna Reid explained an old lady was using hers to sit on the bus all day to keep warm? Well, it turns out he didn't even introduce the Freedom Pass. This was a lie x
385
4K
18K