One year ago today, I had what was suspected to be a heart attack during my own damn staff meeting. I had asked to relinquish command less than 24 hours earlier because I knew I was dying Let's talk about the leadership lessons I learned from my deathbed Spoiler: I lived.

I relinquished command, lost 5 organs, but I lived At my lowest point, I learned -don’t ignore your own health -the system doesn’t care but people do -know when to set your ego aside for the mission -know when to set your ego aside for yourself -the mission will go on without you

Addicts talk about "rock bottom," but stubborn, pig-headed, type-A personalities should talk about it too I lay in the ER bed and told the nurse I felt like I was dying. She very calmly put a hand on my arm and said, “Honey, you are” Worse? It was at least partially my fault

Like our aircraft, the body gives its own warning signs. Some are subtle. Some are not Through late 2021 & early 2022, I’d been ill on & off. I was tired, I was run down, I kept getting weird pains. But I was a relatively new commander, determined to bull through the pain

In Jan I had a suspected kidney infection. I got some antibiotics & was determined to push on b/c the next week I was slated to brief the CSAF I still recall walking out of my office on Friday, telling my DO, “I’m either briefing the CSAF or I’m gonna be in the ER” I did both

“Pull up! Pull up! Pull up!” indeed

I completed my briefing to the CSAF and a constellation of other GO, still in pain but managed by timely doses of Motrin & Britney Spears for morale What I didn’t know was that as I stood there briefing the head of my service, I was very slowly bleeding out inside

Hubris, pure and simple I ignored warnings. After all, I had struggled for 15 years to earn my command pin! Illness was for lesser mortals I, as you can see, was an idiot

As I packed to go home the next morning, the flight doctor called me to say the bloodwork they had pulled “showed anomalies” and I needed to get in ASAP It wasn’t fast enough though because I collapsed at work a few days later before I could make it to my appointment

Even after diagnostic surgery confirmed I had a chronic illness that had already progressed to stage III, I was determined to white knuckle another year in command and ignore the blatant warning signs my body was giving me Lesson 1: Don’t ignore your own health

After my first surgery diagnosed me w/stage III endometriosis, I was put on a medication meant to suppress the lesions the surgeon was unable or unwilling to remove due to proximity to vital organs. After 2 mo we deemed it a failure & moved to a stronger, more risky medication

This was ultimately a failure as it caused “fun” side effects like hair loss, insomnia, chemical menopause, weight gain, and eventually a near catastrophic shutdown of my pancreas and kidneys

We decided that the next step would be to remove the most pesky organs & see what happened next Doc acknowledged that I needed a robotically assisted procedure due to the complexity/severity of my case, something we couldn’t do on my base I got a referral to a clinic 90mi away

Upon seeing my records, they declined to take my case due to the risks involved. I was a liability and the system doesn’t care about you. What’s worse, when I asked for Referral Management to give me another doctor, they push it back to me to figure out

Trying to find a surgeon, in this specialty, who can do a robotically assisted procedure when my body is a ticking timebomb and I’m recovering from the emotional turmoil of relinquishing command was not ideal. Lesson 2: The system doesn’t care, but people do.

People care. I was open and honest with my struggle, I didn't suffer in silence. People like @pwhickey and @DrTraceyK reached out about Walter Reed. I was able to find someone willing to take my case. Friends offered to make food, do grocery runs, or order me delivery food

The military, for all its faults, is still the biggest family in the world, and when the chips are down, they will move the Earth to help you

Lessons 3 and 4 can both be summed up as: Leave your ego at the door Coming up in the AF, I had never seen a commander willingly relinquish command before their time. Fired? Sure But leaving to care for themselves or their family? Never

I ended my command tour w/only 16 of my planned 24 mo If I were honest, it should have been shorter But hubris is a real With a very strong team behind me, willing/able to step up, I believed that I could bear down; get through this little hiccup while they handled the mission

In retrospect, I should have asked to relinquish command sooner. I robbed them of precious months they could have had with a commander who was fully present, capable of handling the long days and stressful situations.

Instead, I let my pride bind me to a course. After all, I had worked 15 years to get to that command position? Surely this is temporary.

After struggling for months and being told the condition was chronic, I should have bowed out then to allow the mission to operate at its best, not weighted down by a leader who is struggling with health issues. My team deserved better.

In my change of command speech, I apologized to my team, “To my Roadrunners, I fought as long as I could, but you deserve a commander focused on the mission and I deserve to heal.” Those were hard words to say. No one wants to quit early But I deserved better too

"I fought as long as I could, but you deserve a commander focused on the mission and I deserve to heal.” I deserved the time/space to heal my damaged body Working 15 yrs to achieve my dream would mean nothing if I died foolishly b/c I wasn’t willing to take the time to recover

This might be the hardest lesson for leaders to learn and certainly takes the most self-reflection to know when you’re at that point, but its ok to admit you aren’t ok. It’s ok to step back so you can heal, because that’s when I learned the final lesson.

The Mission Will Go On Without You The last week of my command, I have 3 Art 15s going through the process, one of my best troops popped hot during urinalysis, and we had a hurricane bearing down on the line of travel and locations my team was set to visit later that week

All while trying to coordinate a very last minute change of command. It was stressful. It was chaotic.

I'm drinking a glass of wine writing this and will not admit that I was about 2 minutes from calling my First Sergeant and asking him to take me to the ER the Sunday before change of command

It felt like my world was ending Not when I show up to Walter Reed with my Mom, who was armed with Powers of Attorney and my Living Will b/c we knew how risky my surgery was Change of Command... I felt like I lost so much

But trying to balance recovering, command, and being a newly single Mom... it wasn't living. It was just surviving

But the moment I passed the guidon, command and the mission was out of my hands and on to a brand new commander who had to pick up the ball and run. (He's doing awesome, BTW)

And the mission went on. The NJPs still processed. The missions still executed. Briefings were still briefed And I got my surgery as well as time to heal

As leaders, I think we sometimes lose sight of our position Yes, we lead, but with very few exceptions, any one of us could be replaced overnight and the mission will still move forward