Yesterday I told my 9-y.o. daughter that I dedicated "Marie Antoinette, Serial Killer" to her and she was like, "You dedicated a book about a murderer to me?" and I was like, "Uhhhh what other options do I have?"

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when you invent an entire Instacart order just to get the one thing you really care about, that one thing will be out of stock, no matter how weird it is that the store is out of, say, ALL 20-oz. diet sodas. 😭

I'm not mad at Past Katie for not buying me candy; I'm just disappointed in her.

One of the sweetest feelings in the world is when you pick up a random drawing your kids have made and admire the stars, hearts, unicorns, etc., and then you notice that they've written "MOM" on it. 💕 My heart melts every time.

In a way, it's like the last memory from a bygone era.

Lately I've reminisced about the day a friend sat with me at the mall for seven hours to buy the first iPhone (and she didn't even want one!). And the joyful memory is waiting at the mall for seven hours, laughing and making friends, and not at all the fact that I got an iPhone.

IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU PEOPLE

It's kind of nice when the front cars in BOTH lanes are looking at their phones and ignoring the green light, because then you can honk without worrying about hurting the wrong person's feelings.

This reminds me to once again remark on how weird it was that they can't be together at the end of the movie. At least TRY for heaven's sake.

I know two tweets in one night is excessive, but I just discovered Gmail's scheduled send feature, and it has already changed my life.

Why do all kitchen trash bags smell like Satan's favorite perfume these days? Can't they just smell like plastic? Like someone's going to walk into your house when you have two-day-old fish packaging in your trash and be like, "Ooh, fresh citrus and lavender!"

Yesterday I bought a plant and it rode home in the front seat where its leaves reached the touch screen. It turned on country music multiple times, muted me when I was on the phone with my sister, and then called my mother-in-law.

So my five-year-old was just showing me a rock and said, "This is the only rock I've ever brought inside," and I did a HA HA HA HA HA HA HA laugh like an evil villain. I surprised both of us to be honest.

"You can’t have gotten to what will be your first sentence unless you write the 50 pages that lead you there. Nothing is wasted. Everything you do gets you closer or further to what you really wanna do but are too scared to. " https://t.co/nej7x3gkDI

5-year-old: Am I in a video game? Me: No. 5-year-old: Why? Me: Because you're in real life. 5-year-old: What's real life? Me: Go ask Daddy. [runs away]

Who's that lady Walkin through the store Does she smell like pickles? Yeah she smells like pickles Yeah she smells like pickles She's a pickle lady for sure, pickle lady for sure. It's me, I am the pickle lady, I spilled pickles on myself.

Or maybe what I need is a sock exorcist!!

Okay, I'm going to need some kind of scientist to tell me why, every single night, the sock I'm wearing on my right foot twists 180 degrees while the one on my left foot stays in its original position. If anybody knows any... sock scientists? -- please ask them. It haunts me.

If I tell you I'll watch a scary movie or TV show with you, don't believe it. It's a trap. I'll watch eight minutes and bail. Six minutes if there's a dog.

Everyone is talking about "FRONCE!!" but I think it's time we also focus on this: https://t.co/U8QuJCxYiz #missuniverse

Last night I dreamed that @DollyParton performed a spiritual cleansing ceremony on me, so basically all my troubles are over.