Karen Kilgariff
@KarenKilgariff
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-360度カメラ
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Back to Back
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Drake
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#23point5EP9
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Sant Rampal Ji Maharaj
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#ขวัญฤทัยEP10
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ONGSASUN LOVEBIRDS
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Euphoria
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Kendrick
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Dua Lipa
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Sony
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Marco Reus
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猫の恩返し
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ゴジラ-1.0
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ガルアワ
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#ساعه_استجابه
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#この世界は1ダフル
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दहेज मुक्त
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#الهلال_التعاون
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雇用統計
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まことお兄さん
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Taylor Made
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D-3 to BLOSSOM
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ウズベキスタン
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冒頭10分
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Father's Day
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Sorry I’m late traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years and I was not expecting that
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My sister’s been a teacher for almost 30 years and she just sent me a video of her classroom it’s all perfectly decorated with her kids artwork and essays for her school’s open house tonight. She’s so proud of her students and she’s been so busy today she hasn’t heard the news
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I hope this email finds you, like myself, fueled by vengeance
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DAILY NUTRITION PLAN: drink 19 cups of coffee, don’t eat anything, realize I’m starving, eat the worst possible thing, dessert
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once at a party I was stuck in a boring group conversation then I remembered I had a banana in my purse so I pulled it out answered it like a phone and said “Sorry guys I have to take this” and walked away we are the masters of our own fate
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She knew. She fucking knew and she powered through it and focused on the good because that’s what we do to teachers in this country while we pay them nothing and always cut their funding WE SHOULD PAY TEACHERS WHAT WE PAY COPS SINCE THEY ALSO PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE EVERY DAY
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I’m so mad I finally got Covid when all this time I thought I was special, different
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This is the kind of leadership I want for this nation
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WOMEN: there’s a real problem with sexual power dynamics in the Hollywood system
REPORTER: hold on, let’s hear what Woody Allen has to say
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Nora told me that instead of saying “ok boomer” her friend Diego says “10-4 dinosaur” bless these children
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It’s important to shower every day. Blow out that hair. Put on office clothes. Pretend to type up some reports. Refer to everyone as your “new client.” End all phone calls with “Here’s my card.” Ask yourself for a raise. If you say no, embezzle. Right now it’s all about self-care
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“Hey there cool cats and kittens!” is all the proof I need
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THE NEWS: Do NOT eat Romaine lettuce!
ME, BITING INTO A HOT PRETZEL: Dang okay.
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Postmates except they come in and wash your face for you and then put you to bed it’s not supposed to be funny I’m telling you my deepest wish
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I’ve noticed a trend in movies/tv lately of sudden realistic barfing and I just want to say hey guys no one needs this right now
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I miss eavesdropping on dull conversations it was my passion
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My sister got everyone chicken leg socks and it’s truly the best of 2019
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compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
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Albatrosses going with a strong lip AND a smoky eye so bold
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Just took a brown bath towel out of the dryer and instead of folding it I wrapped it around my shoulders and sat in a chair with my eyes slightly crossed and enjoyed some Bran time
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bought some riced cauliflower just in case I change fundamentally this week
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I flunked out of a state school and now I do podcasts! Nothing is real! Go for it!
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I just hope that girl did eventually get woken up inside it seemed like a big deal for her
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Just say what the soup of the day is why all the mystery
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I miss my mom. She loved reading and good wine and yelling “OH IT’S ALWAYS THE MOTHER’S FAULT!” at the TV. She was the realest. Call your mom if you still can.
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I put my weighted blanket on the dog last night and she was immediately like “zzzzzz!”
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I hope this email finds you a 20 foot skeleton with light up eyes
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My friend: This quarantine is actually deepening my relationship in ways I never could’ve expected
Me: Haha my new puzzle comes tomorrow
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Having an impossible crush is the stuff of life! It keeps you humble and always striving for better hair. Don’t get sad about it! Feel those 7th grade feelings! Yes I’ve been drinking cold brew shut up god
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Sorry I’m late I got stuck under my weighted blanket
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My dad couldn’t think of how to say ATM so he asked my sister to “get money out of the side of the building” for him
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Finally
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Tell the next Tesla owner you see that you love their Chevy Volt
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I’ve never loved anyone more
Been telling my daughter to take this mask off for over 3 hours 💀 she’s not listening .
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Don’t send that weird text you’re just scared because the sun goes down at 4:30 now
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I hope you’re having a nice holiday my dad just presented me with a devotional illustration of St. Vitus the patron saint of comedians and epileptics who he’s been praying to on my behalf for the past 5 years 🤘
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I told my therapist something sad/low self-esteemy and then said “I guess that’s a weird thought” and she replied “Well it’s a very high school thought” alert the burn unit
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I felt bad because I couldn’t resist petting my sleeping dog and it woke her up but then I remembered she doesn’t work or contribute to this household in any way literally does nothing all day except sleep unless you count that big hole she’s digging by the patio adopt don’t shop
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I take it all back I am now a huge fan of teenagers
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I think I might throw on some sweats and this entire free sample of shimmering body oil and go see what I can stir up over at AutoZone
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Please realize RTing that nightmare singing family is all they want and stop
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Everything is so crazy I declare all Zoom calls cancelled until further notice also it’s permanent Halloween
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they refused to chop my wedge salad so now I’m just sitting here in a silent hotel room sawing away at a quarter head of iceberg lettuce like a goddamn pioneer
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Just chatted with my dad on the phone for over an hour and then he goes, “Hey I got nothin to do today but I’m done talkin to you.” >click<
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every person in this administration is someone you were taught to steer clear of at the lake
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Bored? Put on solo piano music and do the dishes. Now you’re the star of a poignant indie movie about finally facing your fear of dishes and ultimately, death.
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I just told George she’s pretty and everyone thinks so
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I’m making myself watch a boring history show because I ate so many carbs I don’t deserve to be entertained
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I’ve been watching stand up comedy for almost 30 years and let me assure you no one is funny
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Pandemic 2020: America Gutted Mental Health Services In The 80s And Boy Does It Show!
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Happy St. Patrick’s Day if you’re Irish-American and anti-immigrant you’re a hypocrite and a disgrace
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ME: I think I may not need therapy anymore.
THERAPIST: Would you like to discuss how you’ve been 15 minutes late for every appointment for the last 12 years?
ME: Unfortunately that’s all the time we have for today.
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Please remember to call your parents and tell them to turn their keyboard sounds off in public
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Just said “stop being weird” out loud to myself but I’m not gonna
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Of course everyone’s socially distancing right when my hair gets good
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Me, halfway through every crime procedural and all through life:
Oh no the cute guy’s bad
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So many girls and young women got to see what being a badass who knows her shit and is unafraid to lead looks like
#thankyouelizabethwarren
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If this plane goes down please remember me as one who, above all else, deeply loved day drinking
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ME CALLING ROOM SERVICE: Yeah can you describe the mac and cheese to me like is it fancy and weird with twigs and shit in it or is it the classic solid rectangle that harkens one back to a rainy day in junior high hello are you there
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My mom loved sleeping in on the weekend so I decided to capture it with my Disc camera. She tried to act mad but she was laughing too hard. She was the greatest.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms who work so hard to do it right♥️
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Whenever I let someone merge I say “Go dummy” takes the sting out of it
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6 month quar self-check: just told my dogs to say it to my face
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(Regular scream that key changes into a demonic scream)
@KarenKilgariff
I saw this pic earlier and just felt like I needed to share it with you. Definitely feel like these have to be related! Love the podcast and will be caught up one day!
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My friend Adrienne took her first Southwest flight since the pandemic and halfway through it the old lady sitting next to her pulled out a king crab and ate the entire thing like it was fucking Lobster Fest in row C just FYI in case you were feeling jealous of the vaccinated
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I made a shepherd’s pie but it turned out more like shepherd’s mashed potatoes with a *hint* of meat anyway I guess this is my new personality
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When I remember I don’t have school on Monday or ever again
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DATING REALITY 101 PEOPLE:
No one knows what they’re doing
Everyone is scared
We carry the scars of our parents worst mistakes
Ditch before you get ditched
jk jk don’t do that
Milk before wine, hella fine. Wine before milk, Diamond & Silk
Donate to Planned Parenthood today
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George acted like she didn’t want to go to the dog park today but it turns out she really did
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I was just singing a Christmas song in the kitchen and my dad without taking his eyes off the football game said “Alexa, be quiet.”
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I like this picture because it looks like I fell asleep standing on the sidewalk with all my purses
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I guess I wrote that today is George’s birthday on her vet paperwork so they sent me this email and now I keep yelling ”There’s the birthday girl!” when she walks into the room and asking if she wants to go to Chili’s later she is not into it
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Me when I hear Like A G6 at CVS
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This is me at The Rustic Inn in 1996 trying to order a grilled cheese from the bathroom mirror
Judge Jeanine missed the first segment of her show tonight because of “technical difficulties” and then hosted the rest of it in this condition
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I bet Kellyanne wishes she could go back to doing what she loves: cutting into the Starbucks line to loudly accuse the barista of shorting her on foam
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5 sips into every La Croix I remember that they taste like someone else’s Skittles burp and I bail
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It seems unfair that anytime I dream about someone no matter how odd or benign the interaction is I will wake up and be mildly in love with them for 24-48 hrs
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FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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Before you move to LA, ask yourself 1 question: are you cool being around elderly people who do cocaine
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The kids at my sister’s school are writing teacher appreciation notes and she just found this on her door from a boy she taught last year and now she’s crying like a big baby
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