Of course I keep naked pictures of myself on my phone doesn’t everyone?

I may be a 6 but I’m also an aggressive NJ driver who drives 20+ mph over the speed limit, gives dirty looks to everyone I pass but also uses my turn signal because I’m not an animal.

I’m that “In Case of Emergency” friend.

Cowboys fans from Philadelphia and South Jersey can’t be trusted as people.

I could be the monster in your bed.

You're soaking my panties just by being yourself.

It's not you, I just hate doing things with people.

Calm TF down with the “Early Blowout” Black Friday texts, Dick’s. I’m a lady.

Imagine your wife hating you so much that you take it out on women on the internet.

Staff member: Good morning, M. Me: I already said good morning but you didn’t hear me with your earbuds in. No shame in my passive aggressive game.

*Mutes Cam Newton* This is nice.

Just a reminder: It’s a uterus not a clown car.

A patient told me I smelled like pancakes with syrup and he confirmed with butter, too. My day has peaked, time to go home.

My alarm went off and I think an actual tear slid down my cheek.

Of course I’ve fantasized about sleeping with an overlord. Who hasn’t?

It’s 4:50pm and I am in my pajamas and an edible deep and two ibuprofen pm deep.

Imagine getting all this *gestures at self* and I throw in the extra attitude for free😬

My DNA is just THC molecules holding hands in a trench coat.

A threesome with you, Jalen Hurts and me but Jalen just records from the corner.

I could be your edible.

Yesterday a stranger on twitter told me that I shouldn’t have gotten “ink” and I got excited thinking about how upset he’d be about all the “ink” on my body that he can’t see. His wife in his profile picture was hideous, but I digress.