Me: I dated a real loser in high school. Friend: Do you ever wonder where he is now?.Me: He's in the livingroom watching TV.

I had my husband sign a prenuptial agreement so if we ever got divorced, I'd get custody of the couch.

Procrastination is giving yourself the opportunity to dread something longer.

I'm wine, I'm wine. I just had a little bit too much fine.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now. Even though I know he's not really there.

My husband has really high blood pressure. So, when he's found dead on the kitchen floor, I'm going to leave the murder weapon right on the counter next to the pepper.

I heard about the tomato warning. Tomatoes are nothing to fool around with. Seek shelter.

Explain this to me: .Hot tea? Delicious. Iced tea? Delectable. Luke warm tea? Disgusting.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but don't eat greasy food and discuss politics if you're out of Pepcid.

RT @doggiedogthedog: Be the person your dog thinks you are.

RT @MisterD78UK: Why the fuck do they package new scissors up like Fort Knox. they know we're most likely buying them as we can't find ou….

My husband started drinking hot water because he heard it cured Alzheimer's. Does anybody know what beverage cures gullibility?.

RT @Saskquatchewan: The Ropers vs. Ralph Furley.Discuss. .

RT @milifeasdad: Wife: I’m not happy with you swearing. 9yo: Well you swear too!. Wife: When?. 9yo: You just called dad a jackass like 10….

RT @traciebreaux: I always celebrate Ides of March by ordering a Ceasar Salad and stabbing it repeatedly with a knife.

RT @Tbone7219: Welcome to your 50’s when the highlight of your Saturday is finding a marathon of “Three’s Company” on TV.

RT @MisterD78UK: I leave my Wi-Fi unlocked but I named it "Skynet-connect if you dare".

I only answer calls from Potential Spam.

RT @gmanwashere927: Can't. I'm helping Flavor Flav reset his entire wardrobe.

RT @Tbone7219: Have you thought about buying more cocaine . ~Me as a therapist.

I have a lot in common with AI. We occasionally provide incorrect information with a confident tone.