http://t.co/ExTu44OA If I could fly, I know who I'd shit on first.

ME: Tall, dark, toilet-trained. YOU: Pizza. http://t.co/KUSvUjbf

This isn't rain, it's God slaughtering a giant cloud. http://t.co/H34K96Ub

Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars. http://t.co/7Rv8IV4G

http://t.co/OYiIN13F Sometimes when my dogs piss me off I put their leashes on them, then I sit on the toilet for 20 mins and make

My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel. http://t.co/mN4plnYR

According to scientists drinking one can of four loko is like drinking 4 beers, 2 red bulls, a small taco, a ghost and a park bench. http:/

http://t.co/QoNEUTG3 i hope toy story 3 is about woody and buzz trying to save the asian child workers that made them.

This woman at Target does not seem at all appreciative that http://t.co/lki8RVBc

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