FUN GAME: When someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”.

Interviewer: “Any weaknesses?”.Me: “Sometimes I’m ill prepared”.Interviewer: “Can you give an example?”.Me: “What, now?”.

I’ve never owned a telescope but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

I was driving today without my seat belt on when a traffic cop pulled me over. He said “Come on son, what are you not wearing?” I said “My glasses, do I know you?”.

“I can’t believe you were going to steal my car and drive to Lancashire!" .“‘Borrow’, in fairness” .“All right, Cumbria”.

Last time I did a vault, I ripped my leotard. The rest of the gang just don’t think I’m cut out for bank robbery.

We were at the riverside in Cambridge and my mate said “I bet you a tenner I can beat you down the river in a rowing race”. I said “That sounds like a punt”.

Who decided to call it ‘A Beer Garden’ and not ‘A Yard Of Ale’?.

I got fired from my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details…”.

I was sat next to an old woman at the bus stop. She said “I hate it when the buses are running late, I’ve been sat here for that long that my arse has fallen asleep”. I know” I said, “I heard it snoring”.

My grandad always used to say “It’s never too late to learn son”. So on his death bed I gave him a copy of ‘Advanced Mandarin‘.

I just asked my daughter about her new boyfriend and she said he’s Henri Mand. Mmmm a French guy; he might be a famous chef.

Aren’t mums just marvelous for embarassing you when you take your new girlfriend round? Mine always brings out my old collection of teddies. And she knows there’s only the crotchless halter neck one that still fits me.

The James May collection.

I’ve just started work in a local charity shop. It’s my job to take one piece out of every jigsaw.

RT @HMFoundation18: Pop.Over & give us a follow/like #footballisforeveryone.

“After the break, we’ll be learning how to conquer agoraphobia. Don’t go anywhere”.

A street magician approached me today and said “What do you prefer, the rabbit in the hat or the really long piece of cloth in my sleeve?” .I said “Is this a trick question?”.

When the stormtroopers have a fun day paintballing.

Follow me for classical music tweets. I follow Bach.