Josh Johnson Profile Banner
Josh Johnson Profile
Josh Johnson

@JoshtheSandwich

Followers
2,862
Following
1,157
Media
12,232
Statuses
76,908

Comic. Cat dad. Trekkie. sad person. As seen on Reddit/FOX/Comedy Central. Tabitha available on Apple Music.

LV-426 (Acheron)
Joined January 2011
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 months
"You fire that bitch up yet or what??" 😂
Tweet media one
@dontfacetimeme
tia
6 months
nigga sent me a fucking hot dog machine for Christmas he gon forever piss me off
Tweet media one
Tweet media two
1K
18K
265K
85
12K
153K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
Alien: Where am I? Me: Earth. America. Alien: Take me to your leader Me: ...You sure? Alien: Yes. Me:
250
71K
144K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
When White actors who want to say the N-word get a Tarantino script.
Tweet media one
Tweet media two
198
23K
72K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
Seeing a server bring a sizzling fajita plate to another table wishing I had ordered the sizzling fajita plate
Tweet media one
73
2K
35K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 months
Jonathan Majors after he sees no one is buying that video
10
363
4K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
*sees All Time Low trending* YOU GOT ME POPPIN CHAMPAGNE!
Tweet media one
6
583
2K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 months
@juleesssy I'm sorry college was difficult.
1
3
1K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
@somalijawn Black Twitter is our nation's most valuable resource.
3
153
1K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@TIA_EWING @cleveland19news Looks like they're about to open the ol Heavenly Hills Mall
Tweet media one
Tweet media two
5
190
1K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@dippdncurls @Mayberrykush A combination of manic depression and white wine
0
40
1K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 months
WWE Creative cooking up this bomb ass pivot #WrestleMania
Tweet media one
12
90
1K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 months
I can't imagine being a shorts cop and having this be part of my day. Look at my shorts. I clearly didn't sign up for this shit.
@Morbidful
Morbid Knowledge
9 months
Houston police officers stand outside the house in Clear Lake City, where Andrea Yates drowned her 5 children.
Tweet media one
403
2K
66K
6
34
1K
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
3 years
My homie used Uber Eats to order two Little Caesars pizzas one time and I've never been more confused about someone's financial situation.
4
72
849
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
"alright, now you go"
Tweet media one
1
69
738
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 years
@WildCougConfess @BurkeDenn13 whole family gets massacred because someone got their ps4 taken away.
0
277
613
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 months
@millyybby I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information, lady that shows up in everyone's replies eventually
0
1
609
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@dippdncurls @Mayberrykush Red gives me headaches tho. Plus when you plan on drinkin the whole bottle healthy isn't really a factor lol.
1
16
491
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 months
@austeezie92 Fr everyone eatin glizzies on Xmas day.
1
3
484
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Congrats to Donald Glover on becoming the new head of the Gambino crime family
Tweet media one
16
64
448
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
This fuckin piece of shit...
Tweet media one
7
61
413
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Trying to join an anti-Black Little Mermaid group on Facebook. Wish me luck, you guys.
Tweet media one
27
42
364
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@nbc4i @bryancurtis How could you tell it was aimed at the protesters? The meaning of the song is buried in so many layers of subtly.
2
3
349
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
@DolanYums @RonFunches no one wishes for a straight son either. They wish for a happy son, bitch.
1
2
319
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Everyone: Who should be king? Tyrion: Good question...since the throne got destroyed it should be somebody with a chair. Bran: I come with a chair. Tyrion: All hail Bran the Broken!
3
34
340
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
@roxxyhaze "He's asleep" Him:
Tweet media one
1
55
336
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@devinmci Deadass Insurance fraud
1
12
292
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
This tweet did pretty okay so lemme just say PLEASE don't forget about Atatiana Jefferson. She was murdered by a cop a few blocks away from me last year in her own home. mans been indicted but don't let em let him off the hook because we stopped paying attention.
Tweet media one
1
63
298
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 years
Black w/Toy gun: dead Black w/No gun: dead White Massacre at theater: alive White Massacre at church: alive http://t.co/5KUHbaP3no
Tweet media one
6
834
292
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
I've heard him called A LOT of things on Twitter but never Drip Bayless.
@undisputed
UNDISPUTED
5 years
. @ShannonSharpe : "You got your bling bling, you're drippin out here." @RealSkipBayless : "They call me Drip Bayless. That's what they call me on Twitter." 🤣🤣💪
692
13K
38K
25
36
285
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@fatttkattt @dippdncurls @Mayberrykush Sorry, I'm what you would call "emotionally dead inside". Always nice to meet fellow alcoholics tho.🍷
2
20
279
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Big Mouth. Big Mood.
Tweet media one
1
82
271
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
Tweet media one
4
9
264
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
@RonFunches Also wrong, first rule of comedy is bring your own sack lunch as one will not be provided for you.
3
5
251
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
When I get knocked down in Fortnite and the motherfucker expects me to attempt to crawl away but I won't give them the satisfaction
Tweet media one
4
44
243
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
My nigga harden looking like the king of autumn lol
@theScore
theScore
6 years
The Beard has arrived. 👀 🚀 #NBAAwards
80
342
1K
1
53
240
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
3 years
If you're horny Don't do it Read Your bible -Ginuwine, youth pastor
2
19
237
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
1
4
220
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
If you sang Cute Without the "E" with a friend you both had established parts to sing, right?...right?
22
12
232
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
Hot take: the x-men film franchise being a disjointed mess where the timeline is fucked beyond repair makes it the most comic book accurate franchise in existence.
4
23
223
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Kid Rock is the official soundtrack of losing a custody battle
7
28
205
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
Science: Did you know men think about sex every seven seconds? Me: you mean suicide Science: ...what? Me: nothing
1
20
200
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
Me doing chores at age 29
Tweet media one
4
19
198
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
8 years
Doc: Can't give you xanax. You're flagged as an addict. Jenelle: BUT THAT WAS HEROIN! Doc: Hahahah...oh okay. Still no tho. #TeenMom2
7
60
200
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
Ducky isn't fuckin around.
@MrJonCryer
Jon Cryer
4 years
Hey @senatemajldr I’m going to make it my mission to make @ewarren the next Senate Majority leader. Unless of course, she’s the Vice President.
361
2K
18K
7
14
195
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
10 years
I have more pictures of my dick on my phone than I do of family members. By like a wide margin.
2
49
179
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
When The Female shows up on #TheBoys
0
42
187
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
Possibly hot take: LET JORDAN PEELE HAVE A GO AT STAR TREK.
@GeeksOfColor
Geeks of Color
4 years
Jordan Peele spoke about what it was like working with @Lupita_Nyongo on #UsMovie ! #ColliderFYC #ArclightFYC
1
28
121
7
19
192
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
@BBCWorld but she failed...sounds like she listened to you perfectly.
3
5
174
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
Therapist: Maybe try meeting stable people? Me: They're called "horses" not "stable people", Doc. Where's your degree from again?
3
59
174
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 years
When you drunk as fuck and listening to your friend's story at Taco Bell after the bar. http://t.co/SUnngoWRCr
Tweet media one
5
80
179
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
Wanna feel old? Dan Nainan was 35 20 years ago. (And every year since)
1
22
159
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
Hey this isn't doing terribly. Support unions, ya'll!
3
1
174
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
1 year
Logitech finding out they're trending because someone used one of their gaming controllers to pilot a water coffin for rich people.
4
40
176
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
Hahaha that ain't muscle definition it's time falling off your weary bones you straight up weird.
@screentime
ScreenTime
2 years
Marvel artist Mike Deodato throws shade at Namor's physique in #BlackPantherWakandaForever
Tweet media one
718
544
16K
4
16
166
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
Dear White Friends, I am selling a service this holiday season. For 50 bucks I will sit across from your most racist relative and dare them to say shit.
3
26
164
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
BTW: If you're in the DFW area and hankerin for some Q. Check out my Dad's business No Sauce Needed
Tweet media one
Tweet media two
Tweet media three
Tweet media four
11
21
156
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@deray I love my romper and yours
1
37
159
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@taylormcneeley I don't know much but I know booze and sadness. Also every line of dialogue from every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
2
16
152
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
1 year
Mans looks like a tardigrade that's into crypto
Tweet media one
5
13
155
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
3 years
Update: not having a heart attack but ekg was not great. I was asked if I do cocaine...I don't but I'm flattered they thought I was cool/financially stable enough to
Tweet media one
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
3 years
Chest pains getting worse so headed to the ER. If I don't make it just know this place sucked and I will be demanding a refund from who ever runs this shitshow.
8
0
39
16
8
150
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
8 years
When you trip shrooms with your girl the first time.
Tweet media one
1
62
145
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
8 months
Tweet media one
0
1
147
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
When you walk into the strip club and all the dancers are wearing nothing but I Voted stickers.
Tweet media one
0
26
147
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
I mean....is that too many? I don't know how many decomposing bodies a funeral home should be holding on to but they're definitely in the right place.
@NBCNews
NBC News
2 years
The decomposing bodies of 31 people along with the cremated remains of 16 were discovered by officers inspecting a funeral home in Indiana, police said Saturday.
19
47
69
6
11
137
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 years
@BurkeDenn13 just because your dad is sitting at the table doesn't mean he's ever been there. Your tweet makes that abundantly clear.
1
26
123
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Dear children, Lola Bunny will be in this one too. Good luck spending you life sorting that shit out.
@makespringhill
SpringHill
5 years
July 16, 2021 🎥🏀🥕 #SaveTheDate
Tweet media one
2K
43K
96K
3
22
129
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Never got why people were so mad at Lance Armstrong I mean yeah he cheated but he cheated at bike racing
9
14
126
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
When I was in middle school there was a skating rink in Arlington that would turn into a nightclub for 12-17 year olds called "Club Skatium". That shit was wild. It was just kids dancin, smoking weed outside, and fuckin in the bathrooms. It was like that island in Pinocchio
5
5
129
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
11 years
"Of course I brought protection. I got my lucky condom. I've used it like EVERY TIME. 0 babies.Rinse and reuse, baby." #waystomakesexawkward
6
228
131
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
@Dom_2k The option to get blackout drunk all-star weekend.
0
1
120
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
I saw that the "Emancipation Proclamation" was trending and for a split second I thought I was going to read that Trump was trying to reverse it because this timeline is fucked up enough for him to pull something like that.
16
20
120
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
Me: I found you, Ms. New Booty! Her: umm...it's Mrs. New Booty now Me: Oh...I didn't know. I'm glad you found someone :) *stuffs ring box back into pocket and walks away* Me: Stupid stupid stupid. OF COURSE she's married now, Josh...
0
19
126
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
George RR Martin looks like he should be on the bottle of some sort of Cajun sauce
Tweet media one
4
22
122
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Oh god why is Marvin Harrison trending!?...he's right behind me isn't he? Tell my mom I love her.
4
8
116
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
1
1
115
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
You think you have a stupid pointless job? Imagine being the person who fills Swisher Sweets with tobacco.
1
20
117
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 years
#IfIDieInPoliceCustody they'll probably try to paint me as "thug" on the news. Show them this please. I'm a dork. http://t.co/YqsC4gYLzG
Tweet media one
3
48
110
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
They're about to pull Juul off the market. I don't use Juul but I know if they're going down Vuse ain't far behind em. Put the kettle on, Camel. Looks like I'm coming home.
Tweet media one
12
7
117
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
I refuse to play Stray until I can face scan my cat like he's starting a 2K myplayer career
2
14
116
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
@Saycheese_Media Welp bout that time
0
11
102
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
Nancy Pelosi pulling up to her first meeting tomorrow
Tweet media one
0
15
109
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
Fuckin. Legend.
@okayplayer
Okayplayer
6 years
Yes, Sisqo performed 'Thong Song' at his own wedding reception.
Tweet media one
87
1K
2K
1
50
103
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
When its your last day on a job and you tell everyone in the break room that you've been the one eating people's food from the fridge
Tweet media one
0
49
101
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
1 year
Imagine watching him come in once a month to fuck everything up and be in the way and you can't say shit about it.
@thehill
The Hill
1 year
New Starbucks CEO will work monthly shifts in stores
Tweet media one
12
5
38
1
7
108
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 years
Don Lemon's office is covered in motivational quotes from Uncle Ruckus
1
94
95
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
Tweet media one
Tweet media two
Tweet media three
Tweet media four
1
25
99
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
Bro they keep making this shit about them and it just ain't smh. Arrest the cops that kill Breonna goddamn.
@CBR
CBR
4 years
#BoJackHorseman : Alison Brie Regrets Voicing Asian American Character
Tweet media one
906
157
858
4
35
101
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
9 months
"Pretty heavy scene here, Sarge. Permission to go change into pants?"
0
0
98
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
Democrats and Joe Biden after he wins the election
Tweet media one
2
16
99
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
@BroderickGreer @deray Same for mine. First time I saw my mom's birth certificate I thought it was short hand for "Negro Android" which made my nerdy ass excited.
2
4
92
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
5 years
Yo, just had a flashback to the time in 10th grade where a white substitute teacher walked into my english class and wrote "nigger" on the whiteboard in huge letters. He was like "Does ANYONE know what this word actually means?" I said "that this is your last day teaching?"
5
3
92
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
3 years
@neiltyson and a fixodent has no tines at all.
Tweet media one
0
1
90
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
My show "Shaq Mirror" has not been picked up by Netflix. I was sure people wanted to see bizarre tales that explore how we've become too overly dependent on Shaquille O'neal in our everyday lives. I need time to process this.
1
13
92
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
4 years
11 year old me learning what "browser history" is
Tweet media one
2
12
94
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
2 years
@PeezyTX Either way a problem would be solved.
1
1
92
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
6 years
Jesus MRAs are the most fragile motherfuckers oh the planet.
@BBCWorld
BBC News (World)
6 years
Google sued over 'male discrimination'
29
100
179
4
22
85
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
3 months
He's so goddamn real for that
@DiscussingFilm
DiscussingFilm
3 months
Billy Dee Williams on if he would return as Lando: “Pay me a lot of money and I'll sell my soul.” (Source: )
Tweet media one
311
1K
25K
1
8
89
@JoshtheSandwich
Josh Johnson
7 years
Int'l Players Anthem >>>> National Anthem
1
28
88