Jordan Morris
@Jordan_Morris
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Comedy writer, Podcast do-er, 2x Eisner nominee. New graphic novel "Youth Group" available for pre-order NOW!
Altadena, CA
Joined May 2008
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COVER REVEAL! "Youth Group" is a YA horror-comedy graphic novel about a bunch of goofy teenage exorcists from me and the brilliant
@bonesbunns
!
Jokes! Friendship! Spookies! Romance! Out on 7/16/24 from
@01FirstSecond
! Pre-order it NOW wherever you get books! Links below! 👇👇👇
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I'm sick of these libs telling me I can't say "Happy Honda Days" because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I'm supposed to wish everyone a "Happy Winter Car Sale"?
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Sorry websites, I prefer to get my news the old fashioned way: With a bunch of other people crowded around the window of a store that sells TVs and the TVs are on even if the store is closed.
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Let me make your day a tad better:
I went to Medieval Times this weekend and the king FOR REAL came out and reminded everyone not to vape.
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People say we're in a "golden age of television" but I disagree. We're in a golden age of photoshopping Waluigi into places Waluigi wouldn't normally be. It can't be the golden age of two things.
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2019: I start referring to "drinks" as "libations."
2020: I now wink at everyone and wear dress socks with strappy sandals.
2023: Everyone just calls me "Patches" now.
2027: I am found dead on a houseboat (not mine).
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[Kermit voice] 🎶 Why are there so many films about Batman?🎶
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A handy guide to caffinated drinks:
Iced Coffee = A refreshing treat that gives you a little bit of pep!
Cold Brew = A drinkable club drug that makes you feel like you have ants on you for 4 hours!
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"Oh hell yeah. Now we're talking." - Me when a cat comes on screen in a movie that up to that point featured no cats.
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Every town has a "good" Target and a "bad" Target. In the good Target everything is clean and everyone is kind. In the bad Target everything is both dusty and sticky at the same time and no one answers your pleas for help. It is in the bad Target that we learn who we truly are.
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Here's one of the dumbest thoughts I've ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: "Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?"
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*whispering to self*
Don't buy the cat a Valentine there's no coming back from that. Don't buy the cat a Valentine there's no coming back from that. Don't buy the cat a Valentine there's no coming back from that. Don't buy the cat a Valentine there's no coming back from that.
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I'm sorry I only knew you as "Waffle Goth." You were surely more complex.
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It was then that we truly knew Kid Rock has ascended to heaven.
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HEY THIS IS COOL! We're making our sci-fi comedy podcast "Bubble" into a movie with some very talented and funny people. Huge thanks to everyone who listened, wrote a review and recommended the show to friends. I am excited and nervous.
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Jabbacado Toast is the reason millennials have stopped buying Rancor Pits.
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The stepdad you acquire late in life is a tough person to shop for. Can't seem to find the gift that says: "You seem nice and I like your super-white sneakers! Thanks for picking up the check at Outback that one time!"
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And I heard as it were the noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying come and see... daddies.
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Today's trash cans are full of modern garbage like coffee pods and tangled earbuds, but I want to take a minute to give it up for "classic garbage!" Of course I'm talking about banana peels, tin cans with the top flopping off and fish skeletons with the head still attached!
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Me: I want everyone who enters my kitchen to know how much I love coffee, but I don't want to tell them verbally. Do you have a wooden sign that can help me?
Target employee: Here are twelve options.
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I took my English muffin out of the toaster today and instead of saying "yum yum" I said "yim yim" and then laughed for four minutes. So yeah, living alone is going pretty well.
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While we were watching a band, my pal tapped me on the shoulder. He was taking a tiny bag filled with capsules out of his pocket. My first thought was "Wow, I didn't know it was going to be this kind of night." I looked closer and saw he was offering me earplugs. Anyway, I'm 36.
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When I was young I thought the coolest adult in the world was my high school photo teacher who had a dyed blue goatee and constantly talked about The Specials. Now that I'm older and wiser I see that I was absolutely right that guy fucking ruled.
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The Mandalorian: Hey, can I get a little 2% milk for this coffee?
Barista: I will grant you the milk you seek but first you must travel to the outer rim and unseat the Lord of the Citadel, a despotic ruler from the days of the Old Republic who--
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We've robbed the word "epic" of its grandeur by using it to describe breakfast burritos and games of beer pong. It's disrespectful to everyone who has struggled to return home after the Trojan War only to have to slay their wife's suitors.
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Looking for someone insufferable to attend your social gathering this weekend? Consider me, A man who has just gotten into Radiohead and The Sopranos THIS YEAR.
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It's pretty hypocritical of me to scoff at people who collect crystals when I've played over 40,000 hours of video games where the goal is to collect crystals.
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*sees self in mirror*
Hey good lookin'. Did someone lose some weight?
*sees self in photo*
What is this a photo of? Did someone put a wig on an irregular sweet potato?
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I do actually think video games influence our real world behavior. For instance, every time I see a bunch of ceramic pots I stop what I'm doing to destroy them.
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When I hit the "Blockbuster" button on my Roku, my TV shows an abandoned building when a raccoon is giving birth on a pile of Face/Off DVDs.
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Every member of the Dave Matthews Band looks like they're about to say "I'm not trying to replace your Dad but I think your Mom is a really special lady and I'm really looking forward to being a part of your family."
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I don't have many accomplishments to speak of, but I'm super proud that I'm on petting terms with several of my neighborhood's prominent outdoor kitties.
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"YANKEE. HOTEL. FOXTROT."
- A spy sending coded messages over shortwave radio OR a cool dad in a Panama hat yelling at his triplets in a Whole Foods.
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Hey
@billyjoel
, I need to get something off my chest. In 8th grade I changed "We Didn't Start the Fire" to "We Didn't Fart, You Liar." I am deeply sorry. Hey, if you see Bonnie Tyler, tell her I need to touch bases re: "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
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A few years ago a show I was writing for needed pitches for what a drunk text from Superman would say. I pitched: "U up... up and away?" It didn't make it on the show and I'm still a little mad about it. Anyway, feels good to tell someone.
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Working from home is great! I get to make my own schedule, which now includes five daily breaks to carry the cat around the apartment whispering "When I die, this will all be yours."
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It's just so on-the-nose to have your mask freakout in a Trader Joe's or a Whole Foods. Score some originality points by losing your shit in a Spirit Halloween Store or one of those places that only sells stuff for model trains!
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It's my birthday! And I want you to get YOURSELF a gift?!?! I've been having a blast doing comics writing and I'd love for you to honor me by checking them out! Click the link in my bio or see below...
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I can hear "moist" all day long. "Panties" is no problem. But if someone says "hubby" or "wifey" I feel like my mouth is full of wet band-aids.
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I decided to broaden my horizons and go to a different Target and I'm so glad I did. The people of Other Target are just so vibrant and beautiful and they have the most fascinating customs. Travel just makes me feel so alive.
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Happy Birthday, Walton Goggins! Which one of his roles is your favorite?
#TheRighteousGemstones
#Justified
#TheShield
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Have you always wanted the inside of your car to smell like bananas forever? Just follow this easy step:
1. Eat one banana in your car one time.
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🎶Whoa, here she comes. She's a can eater🎶 - Hall and Goats
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You: I hear ska is coming back.
Me: Interesting. Would you excuse me please? *Heads down to the basement with a sledgehammer John Wick-style and digs up a chest filled with bowling shirts that have other people's names on them*
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Podcasts have gotten too complicated, so I'm taking them back to their roots. Tune into my new show where every week my co-hosts and I will argue about whose headphones are better, explain why the show is late that week and THAT'S IT!
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HEY THIS IS COOL! We're making our sci-fi comedy podcast "Bubble" into a graphic novel with
@01FirstSecond
!
Script by me and
@sarahlmorgan
!
Art (and many jokes and story points) by
@TangoCharlie
!
Colors by
@Snarlbear
!
THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!
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I lost a little faith in humanity today. It's really sad that my neighbors refuse to take part in my inspiring viral video where we all stick our heads out our windows and sing the entirety of Blink 182's classic album Take Off Your Pants and Jacket.
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I was at a craft-y cocktail restaurant last night that calls their mozzarella sticks "smokey mozzy blunts" so I guess we all have to stop going to restaurants now. Let's all just sit in the dark and eat uncooked oatmeal for nutrients and try to retain a little bit of dignity.
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Whenever I eat a sandwich my "true self" pops into my head to say: "Admit it. You'd be enjoying this more if it was just mayonnaise on roll. All these "meats" and "vegetables" are just a desperate attempt to hide the fact that you're a dirty little mayo goblin."
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Privilege check: The angriest I've been recently is when a restaurant promised a "trio of dippin' sauces" and one of them turned out to be just fucking ketchup.
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"Beautiful, aren't they?" - Me to anyone who looks in my fridge and notices my drawers full of fast food dippin' sauces that I keep for home use.
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My generation is a mixed bag but I think we deserve a pat on the back for not facilitating a nostalgic comeback for rap-rock.
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There's so much amazing TV out there you could watch all day and still not ingest all the innovative storytelling from master craftspeople working at the top of their game. Anyway, time to go home and watch the 30 Rock where Liz goes to the dentist for the 50th time.
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Am I the only one who remembers when people would DRESS UP to go on airplanes? And whatever happened to BOWING to a toilet before you use it? And can we go back to TYING A LITTLE NAPKIN around a raccoon's neck if we catch it going through our trash?
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Rules of Punk:
1. DIY
2. Smash Capitalism
3. Look Mom in the eye when she's talking to you. She works so hard for this family and the least you can do is show her some respect.
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If you can't handle me at my there's food all over my face you don't deserve me at my face is nice and clean with no food on it.
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I was tired of going to the movies and being surrounded by "teens" and their "texting" so I went to a classic movie marathon to be surrounded by the loud sighs and wet coughs of dozens of men wearing windbreakers and hard soled shoes.
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Soon the throngs will gather. Soon we will paint the sky with screams. Soon we will all be Daddies.
#Mythicon22
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Me, to a friend with kids: Hey, wanna go see The Meg?
A friend with kids: SORRY BUT I AM DUTY-BOUND TO PROTECT A LIVING BEING THAT WILL DIE WITHOUT MY CARE, BUT ENJOY YOUR DECADENT SHARK MOVIE AND I'M GUESSING A COCAINE ORGY AFTERWARDS! I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE PRESERVING LIFE!
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I'm concerned about the escalating intensity of iced coffee. By 2020, a "cold brew" will just be a cup of crushed up Ritalin and three angry bees.
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I was never sure about what role I played in my group of friends. I wasn't "the fun one" or "the caretaker," but recently I found out that I'm "the one who can answer questions about what stuff from Spider-verse was taken from the comics." IT'S MY TIME TO SHINE BABY!
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I want people to think I have a sophisticated sense of humor but if I'm being real the thing that makes me laugh the most is the fact that the parking garage at Universal Studios is called "Jurassic Parking."
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I'm new to running and was not prepared for how deceptive the endorphins would be. Today I felt like I must be a majestic stallion galloping with the wind but then saw myself in a reflective surface and realized I'm actually a big potato bouncing around on two tiny springs.
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If you live in my building and are reading this, that commotion last night was me having a sexy drug party with friends and not me failing to assemble a Target bedside table that needed 8 nails but only came with 6. Also, I think the crying was a ghost.
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I just finished "The Legend of Vox Machina" from
@samriegel
and pals. It's terrific! Funny, sweet and goes VERY hard with the action and horror. Watch it ASAP on your nearest
@PrimeVideo
box!
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This new world of takeout/delivery is a real thrill for me because whenever I would eat at a restaurant I would think to myself: "I wonder what this food would be like if it was weirdly damp?"
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Which character from Little Women do you most identify with? Which prehistoric shark do you think you're most like? In both cases I'm the Meg.
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It's been 17 years and I'm still mad about the guy at my college who spent a summer in Europe and came back with a fake British accent and told everyone "I don't even realize I'm doing it! I'm just such sponge for accents!" Hey, now you know about him and get to be mad too!
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Have you dined with us before? No? Well, we do things a little differently here. The "food" is actually just drawings done by my 6-year-old son and instead of paying with "money" I'll ask you to whisper a secret into a leather pouch that I sleep with. Any drinks to start?
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Old video games: "Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!"
New video games: "Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes... but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!"
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This is it. The year I finally make the transition to a full-on Fun Guy. I've already been replacing "bye" with "be good." Hopefully by the end of Summer I will have worn a captain's hat to a music festival.
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Last night I made the grave mistake of discovering that BBQ chips taste awesome with mayo. I can't un-know that and now, neither can you. Welcome to Hell. We're here together.
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My upstairs neighbor is determined to make this interesting by providing a ton of inscrutable new noises for me to wonder about! Yesterday alone I think he was running in place with one ski boot on, dropping boxes of bic pens and having two friends over for erotic tickling?
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I don't think one of those "we hacked your webcam and filmed you watching porn" scam emails would work on me but watch how fast I send your bitcoin when you email me "we digitized the VHS tape of that one high school talent show where you decided to try slam poetry."
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In my fantasy I'm drinking alone at a sketchy bar. A tough looking biker guy comes up and taps me on the shoulder. He gets in my face and says: "Hey hot shot, hows about you and me see who can name the most Troy McClure movies off the top of his head?"
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Thrilled to be writing jokes and goofs for this upcoming television program. Coming next year to your
@disneyplus
machine!
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Not to turn our solemn, solitary neighborhood walks into a competition but as of today I am on petting terms with THREE LOCAL OUTDOOR KITTIES BEAT THAT LOSERS!!!
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Hi Sharks! I'm seeking $100,000 in exchange for 10% of my company. It's no secret that everyone hates dealing with ghosts. But what if instead of just banishing them to another dimension, you could make them corporeal, kill them and use their meat for food?
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Today if you're stuck in the kitchen with your stepdad and have nothing to say, try this: "I hear kids can't leave Santa cookies anymore. They have to give him gluten-free kale chips!" Then clink eggnog glasses, pull him close and whisper: "You're twice the man my father was."
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Grammar tip: If you're talking about more than one Doctor Mario you'd pluralize it "Doctors Mario" the same way you would "Attorneys General."
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Read my stunning account of what it's like to have the same name as famous soccer man
@JmoSmooth13
.
Jordan Morris 🤝 Jordan Morris
What's in a name? For comedy writer
@Jordan_Morris
, it's been an unlikely path to supporting Sounders FC's Homegrown star.
READ ➡️
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*Pours champagne, lights candles*
It's almost perfect. Almost....
*Puts on soundtrack to Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2*
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(To the tune of Hall & Oates "Rich Girl")
🎶 You're a hot cat/and you sleep all day/'cause you know it's too hot to run around/you can rely on your bowl of water/you can rely of your bowl of water🎶
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Yeah, I just went down to Target to grab a couple of things. Of course, I ended up spending fifty bucks :) Gonna chill at home for a bit and then maybe grab some lunch. Thanks for checking in!
JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS BACK JORDAN MORRIS IS
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It's perfectly ok if your thoughts start to wander at any point during this guided meditation. In fact, let me help you. Do you have enough beans to make chili tonight? Whatever happened to that guy from high school who ate bees for money? Does the movie Timecop hold up?
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My apartment got robbed this week. The insurance guy asked if I had any pictures of myself with the items they took. That seemed unlikely to me but then I realized I bought the souvenir photo that time I went to Disneyland and brought my Playstation 4 on Splash Mountain.
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I decided I needed a fresh photo for the upcoming publicity barrage for a new graphic novel (pre-order info coming soon!). I called the great Steve Agee (not on twitter anymore I guess! Follow him on Insta!) who is hilarious AND great with the camera. Which one do I use?!
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Oh, you're doing the Pfizer vaccine? Cool cool. Personally I'm going with Moderna because I prefer a more complex vaccine with deep rich notes but yeah Pfizer seems fun.
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Me @ 27: Went to Burning Man, dropped acid and became one with the stars.
Me @ 37: Went to the public pool, got a surprisingly big charge out of reporting horseplay to a lifeguard.
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2nd vax is in the veins! Can’t wait to give some big meaty hugs and have someone cut this Warped Tour roadie hair!
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Me,
@nickadamsweb
and a bunch of awesome comedy folks made a sci-fi comedy series for
@MaxFunHQ
called "Bubble." It's Buffy meets Portlandia meets Logan's Run and I think you're going to love it. Listen to the trailer and subscribe on
@ApplePodcasts
.
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Me BEFORE spending 45min trying to get a fitted sheet on the bed: Living alone is perfectly healthy, even if society says otherwise.
Me AFTER spending 45min trying to get a fitted sheet on the bed: God intended human beings to live in bonded pairs. All other ways are sinful.
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This would be a good sign to put out if you were trying to lure me into some sort of net-based trap.
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Me, trying to write something:
I am a worthless hack and should stop pursuing this immediately.
*Has three sips of cold brew*
I AM A MODERN ORACLE AND MY WORDS HAVE THE POWER TO TOPPLE EMPIRES!!!
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