Joke Authority
@JokeAuthority
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Joined February 2015
Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings 2)Having an United Airlines ticket
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Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat? They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.
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Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards... Turns out to be spam.
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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider.
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Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief? AT: "Give me all your money!" PT: "Sign here please.."
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My gf admitted she used to be a Christian so I broke up with her. It might seem judgmental but I have only known her since she was Christine
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A school of piranhas can strip the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today. I'll let you know.
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I saw a sign that made me shit myself. It said, "Bathroom closed."
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Malaysian Airlines and United should merge. That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.
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I scared the postman by going to the door naked. I’m not sure what freaked him out more my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived
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The problem with Trump jokes: Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
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If I ever open up a gluten free German bakery I'm totally calling it Gluten Tag
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Girl: "Come Over" Guy: "I'm coming over" Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
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At any given moment the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim-away... A whim-away, a whim-away, a whim-away...
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Homeless man eating grass in the park Why are you eating grass? I'm hungry Come with me Should've seen his face when I showed him my yard
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I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen… I can feel it...
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We used to have empires ruled by emperors and we used to have kingdoms ruled by kings… Now we have countries…
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There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died? Instincts
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Interviewer: What's your biggest strength? Me: I'm a fast learner. I: What's 11 * 11? Me: 65. I: Not even close. It's 121. Me: It's 121.
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