Joe List
@JoeListComedy
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I'm a comedian and I have 3 one hour comedy specials available for free on YouTube. “I Hate Myself” & “This Years Material” & “Enough For Everybody”
New York, NY
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
My brand new one hour special is up and at em. Go check it out. Tell a friend. Thanks! I love you.
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I think we’re not talking enough about how Will Smith initially laughed at the joke.
#Oscars2022
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I still haven’t decided if I want to get ripped or fat during this.
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Happy Birthday to Christopher Walken. Tremendous actor. Great career. And let’s not forget, he started out as Scarlett Johansson.
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If you’re quiet enough you can hear all the comedians searching through their photos for their selfie with Bob Saget.
#RIP
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Who the fuck would say Titanic?
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The fact that we are now writing “watch till the end” on 60 second videos really speaks to where we are as a society.
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How the hell did these rock stars play guitar solos on heroin?
I take one Tylenol PM and I can’t turn my television off.
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I do not understand how Chick Fil A gets their employees to be so god damn friendly. Someone needs to investigate this.
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You really gotta be careful what you say around kids, they will repeat everything you say. My 5 year old nephew got put in timeout for saying “I’m tired of fucking my wife”
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My one hour special ‘I Hate Myself’ will debut next Thursday, August 6th on YouTube at 9pm Eastern.
I’m excited about it.
@standup
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This kid never travels without his stuffed dick and balls.
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An employee at a bagel shop in Iowa told me I couldn’t get extra cheese because of Covid.
Shouldn’t there be tons of extra cheese because of all the people that died?
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Holy Fuck!! This is insane!!
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Well Instagram is down. Guess I’ll have to give “porn” a try.
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Just spent one full hour at the gym!
I was trying to cancel my membership. But still that’s pretty good.
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I love my wife so much that everything about her turns me on. Her smile, her feet, her mom. It’s wonderful.
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You’re married, I feel like this could have been a text.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart!
@MichelleObama
, you're brilliant, kind, funny, and beautiful—and I'm lucky to call you mine.
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Trailer for “Fourth of July” is up on YouTube! Check it out. Share it. Tell a friend. Independent cinema!! Farts.
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Well maybe I’ve never been funny ON the show, but I have my moments onstage by myself.
Katt Williams addresses never being on Joe Rogan's podcast
"Joe don't want me on there... Joe got 6 comedians that ain't ever been funny that he wants to push out"
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Nice try Rich, we’re talking about Spotify today.
US official, based on govt assessment, Russia now has 70% of what ir needs for a full-scale invasion of Ukraine, which would likely include about 120 BTGs (Battalion Tactical Groups)
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My phone just autocorrected “haha” into “hahahaha” now I have a friend who has way more confidence than I want him to have.
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I love the idea that ‘Tear Odell Beckham’s ACL’ was on God’s to do list.
Thank u all for the love and support. God always got me. He’s always had a plan. He made me a world champion ! Im so grateful!
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My new one hour special "I Hate Myself" is now up and available on YouTube. Watch it. Like it. Share it. Thanks so much. I love you.
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If you think ketchup on a hot dog is “weird” or “gross” your parents did a shit job and they’re likely communists or fascists or racists. Some kind of ists. Grow up.
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I don’t know much about the Stock Market. But I know a lot about the Cock Market.
I’ve been trying to sell short for years.
(Is that something?)
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The CDC is now reporting that the corona virus does not spread at all.
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I just found out that there are some people who have had sex twice in the same day.
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There’s a strip club near me that serves breakfast. They call it “legs and eggs”. That’s cute but no one goes to a strip club for the legs.
It should be called “Tits and Grits”
Or “pussy and pancakes”.
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I can’t imagine keeping cancer a secret. I introduce myself by saying “I’m Joe and I have genital herpes”
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Every 911 dispatcher comes off as an asshole in the tape.
-please help! My husband has been shot in the face!
-ma’am I need you to calm down!
- I’m sorry, his face exploded and I don’t know what to do?!
-ma’am! Please! I need you to shut the fuck up!
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Sometimes when people die you’ll hear others say “I never once heard him complain”.
Do me a favor, when I die, don’t mention how often I complained.
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New special premieres tonight at 9:30 PM eastern. Go subscribe now. It’s good, I promise. Thanks.
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I found out today that my wife thought the average penis is 8 inches long. Sad to think that all these years my wife thought my penis was just average.
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What a pleasure and honor it’s been to watch my friend
@marknorm
go from the bottom to the top while being absolutely hilarious the entire time. Proud to be a small part of the journey. Make sure you watch his new Netflix special and tell all the folks you know to do the same.
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Ummm, I think you mean “WomanHunt”
It’s 2019 for gods sake.
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I haven’t drank in years but every once in a while I’ll eat an entire bag of M&M’s on an empty stomach and then I text my ex girlfriend that she fucked up big time.
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In 2 months I am going to be a father and I am shitting my pants!!
I’m not nervous, I just want to practice cleaning dirty diapers.
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I swear to god, one of these days I’m going to Google what an oligarch is.
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Sometimes I pet a dog so well that I think it’s going to cum.
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Everybody is worried about the Covid surge but last time we had a New Wave we did get The Cure.
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These are crazy times.
Yesterday I saw a chair blowing another chair.
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New special is out now!
“This Year’s Material” shot live
@ComedyCellarUSA
I’m very proud of it. Check it out. Tell a friend.
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Side boob is really cool but when it comes right down to it I prefer front boob.
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Here’s a clip from my new hour special ‘I Hate Myself’ which will be out on YouTube next Thursday night at 9pm EST. Tell some friends. Thanks.
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I just hope and pray that World War III is better than The Godfather III.
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I’m watching a documentary about Monopoly. A woman just said “everyone remembers their first monopoly game”. I have to assume she was molested during her first monopoly game.
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“Well I guess that’s one way to look at it”
-me 300 times yesterday
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Friend: you gotta take CBD for your anxiety. It really helps!
Me: I’d be uncomfortable taking it because of my sobriety.
Same Friend: oh don’t worry about it, it doesn’t do anything.
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Good morning Twitter!
My new hour comedy special is available for free right now. It’s very funny. Click the link and watch. And tell some friends. It’s completely independently made with lots of jokes and laughs. I think you may like it.
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This will be hard for young folks to believe but there was a time when it was unusual for dogs to be in coffee shops and grocery stores and it was delightful.
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I think we’re putting entirely too much emphasis on teaching small children to high five.
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God I hope a celebrity says something inappropriate soon so we can back to discussing what really matters.
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Just a heads up everyone, god just asked me to slap some people too. I’m so sorry in advance. That fella works in mysterious ways.
#Oscars
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120,000 views in 24 hours. Thank you to everyone that has watched and shared. Please keep doing that. Grassroots baby.
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If this tweet gets 5,000 retweets I will personally donate $3 to a charity of my own choosing.
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At the pediatricians office for my son’s first doctor appointment and I swear to god “tears in heaven” by Eric Clapton is playing in the waiting room. Classic.
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After giving birth women can’t have vaginal intercourse for 6 weeks.
Boy am I looking forward to all those BJs.
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Is there anything worse than walking out of the stall and seeing some nerd washing his hands and so then you have to pretend to do the same.
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Hit a million views today on the new special. Thanks to everyone who has watched and shared. I’m grateful.
Please keep doing that. It helps.
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MC Hammer has already spent all the money he made for that commercial.
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Biden’s sister looking like my parents at my special taping.
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Thank you Norm!
You’re the best!
Played a fantastic theatre in a town out of the Twilight Zone
(Next Stop, Tarrytown). Always great to hang out with Louis, of course, and the first time I've had an opener who is a world-class comedian, the real-deal
@JoeListComedy
.
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Trump is straight up doing stand-up comedy. And it’s not terrible.
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I just watched a guy drop an entire large iced coffee on the ground right after leaving a Starbucks and it’s the most joy I’ve felt in a month.
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I’m thinking about quitting social media and just spreading the word Blues Brothers style. Seems less toxic and more fun.
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It would be so cool if healthy food was even remotely enjoyable to eat.
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Trying to push this little guy over a half million in just over a week. Watch it. Share it. Tell a friend. We gotta keep independent comedy alive. Thanks everyone. Farts.
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Do you think it’s fine to have sex while your baby is sleeping in the other room and your wife is out of town?
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Having an endoscopy done this morning. The nurse told me they’d be using the same drug that killed Michael Jackson. She then informed me that he died 10 years ago today. I assume I’m on an episode of Impractical Jokers.
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If you read one review of “Fourth of July” make it this one:
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-Mr. Biden what do you say to African American voters that think perhaps you’re out of touch?
-Shiiiiit, you bettah recognize.
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I haven’t done anything today. But I’ve decided I’m done for the day.
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Pound for pound the funniest person in movie history to me. Never not the funniest guy onscreen.
Willard was great too.
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