Rachel Figueroa ๐๐๐๐ป๐ป๐
@Jewyorican
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Beekeeper. Homeschool Mom. Plant Nerd. Pedestrian. Happy Introvert. โค๏ธs writing, baking, & dying on hills. Probably outside. #LGM . Same @ on Insta & BlueSky
Staten Island, NY
Joined March 2009
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Mix things up by putting framed quotes meant for the kitchen into the bathroom
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Hereโs a thread of pelicans trying to eat animals other than fish. Hope this helps.
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100% she dressed him in overalls so it would be harder for him to take his shirt off (something I did for toddler X when he went through his always wants to be nekkid phase) ๐๐
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This thread seems to be doing some numbers ๐. The only thing I have to promote is my kids are too young to be vaccinated so please get vaccinated.
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I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
I've decided that I should be on the pardon list, if that is still in the works
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Before you get a tattoo in a language you donโt understandโฆ donโt.
Im assuming this was supposed to be โbutterflyโ.
Whatโs written instead is a direct translation of the words fly (the flying insect pest) and butter (the dairy product).
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PLEASE CHECK your kids Halloween candy this weekend! I AM SERIOUS. My son got a peanut butter cup with Hieronymus Bosch's Garden Of Earthly Delights inside it.
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My cousinโs friend got the vaccine and now his lemon looks like this
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If you decide to get a tattoo in a language you donโt understand anywayโฆ please run it past a friend who is fluent in that language 1st.
If you donโt have any friends who are fluent in that language, maybe consider that what youโre doing might weird & culturally appropriative
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Knock knock...
Who's there?
Interrupting Trump
Interrupting Trump wh...
WRONG!
#Debates2016
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A non-Jewish friend saw me use the word โkashrutโ in an online post and she asked what that meant and I said itโs โJudeo-Kitchen valuesโ and Iโve decided to make that term a thing ๐
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I taped a picture of Obama to my gate so now OBAMAGATE is a thing that actually exists. Youโre welcome,
@realDonaldTrump
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Thereโs a seal at the base of the Verrazano!!!
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This is doing some numbers! I have nothing to promote. All I have to say is do your best to be kind, and bees are friends.
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This is a Paul Hollywood (baking show handshake guy) recipe. Inside one of his cookbooks. This is the recipe. That was published. In the book.
Itโs a โcholla loafโ that is โtraditionally served at Passoverโ
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Hi if the โbike laneโ isnโt safe for my kids to bike on, then it isnโt a bike lane itโs just some lines and a picture of a bike painted through the middle of an otherwise busy fucking speeding car filled street jussayin.
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If I die of my very treatable (but very expensive) pre-existing condition, please cremate me and throw my ashes in Paul Ryan's eyes.
#acha
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Reached into the candy bag and pulled out the next president!
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So Robin Thicke and Pharrell lost the lawsuit because they didn't get consent for Blurred Lines. Because irony.
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Is Mexico paying for this too or
More fencing going up around the White House complex early this morning
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I donโt know how long itโs going to last out there. Nature abhors a vacuum
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FACT: If I never took those darn pregnancy tests neither of my children would have been born.
TRUMP: "When you test, you have a case. When you test, you find something is wrong with people. If we didn't do any testing we would have very few cases."
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Bloomberg asked me to create content and I said no. Washington Post asked me to create content and I wrote this:
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So relieved to find boneless. Deboning donuts is a real pain.
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10 year old trying to argue with me that playing Animal Crossing should count as homeschool. โItโs about raccoons and going into debt so thatโs biology and economics right there mom come onโ
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If you blindfolded de Blasio and dropped him off in Hoboken it would take him at least 4 hours to notice he was in New Jersey
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Next time one of those War On Christmas idiots insists on everyone saying "Merry Christmas" make sure you respond with ALL HOLIDAYS MATTER.
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Person man woman camera tv a loaf of bread a container of milk and a stick of butter
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How much you wanna bet Trumpโs doctor gave him a bunch of tictacs in a pill bottle and told him it was hydroxychloroquine just so he would shut up about it.
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Shana Tova! For my non-Jewish friends, that's Hebrew for Ivanka will be at Temple until Tuesday and unable to take Trump's phone away.
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What a rip-off! I got all of mine for free.
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Iโm going to have cholla loaf at the next Seder along with the traditional pesach clambake (which is done to honor our crossing of the Red Sea of course ๐คฃ)
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Me: Letโs get dressed! What do we need to get dressed?
3yo: Shirt!
Me: What else?
3: Socks!
Me: And...
3: Shoes!
Me: Anything else?
3: Mask!
Me: What about your pants?
3: No I donโt need that. No more pants, Iโm finished with them.
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This may be my inner introvert talking but please donโt check in with me. I have to deal with antisemitism already so I donโt have the energy to also bake & distribute cookies to all the performative concern goyim. If you were serious about kicking Nazis you woulda done it by now
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This is blowing up a bit so Iโm muting lol.
The only thing I have to promote is my kids are too young for the vaccine so please if youโre eligible get vaccinated
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I love all the wacky replies and all of youse but Iโm muting this for a lil bit. My severely introverted ass needs a break ๐๐ โค๏ธ
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Few people know of the annual
#Jewish
tradition of visiting the graves of your parents & knocking over the tombstones to make Trump look bad
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And just when you thought the election couldn't get any more ridiculous, we get the Cuban Mistress Crisis.
#CruzSexScandal
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Remember to turn your clocks forward. Also remember that if you can't afford healthcare you probably shouldn't have spent $ buying a clock
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My 9 year old called it
โYouโre only internet famous because you made fun of a guy who could possibly be president. But he probably wonโt be president.โ And then my 9 year old rolled her eyes and left the room ๐คฃ
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First it was STEM & I was fine with that. Then it was STEAM (A for Arts) & I was fine with that too. Now some local places are advertising STREAM (R for Religion) programs and ok fine but at what point should we just call it SCHOOL. Like just say school. Youโre describing school.
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I donโt know why benadryl is trending but hello fellow semi-conscious allergics ๐
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I was walking past the bank and this guy was standing behind a shrub clearly urinating on the building and we accidentally made eye contact and he said โIโm not even homeless but fuck this bankโ
๐๐๐๐
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My kids are too young to be vaccinated and one of my daughterโs friends tested positive for Covid last week. So yeah everyone just fucking abandon mask wearing and yell at people who still wear them. Yes that seems like a not at all shit plan.
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Quick reminder of Groundhog Day tradition:
If it sees-
No shadow: spring is here
Shadow: 6 more weeks of winter
Mayor deBlasio: It dies
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This is my soup can. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
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Iโm feeling the Jewish equivalent of what
@miblogestublog
feels when she sees a guacamole recipe with peas
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I am SO SICK of cold morning walks. So is the dog lol. That being said look how pretty the Mets colored sky is.
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If I had a dollar every time an over-privileged douche nugget told me I was โonly here because of affirmative actionโ I would have enough to bribe both of my kids into college.
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Running out to Trader Joeโs one last time before Cory Booker shows up to destroy everything
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& he asked if I used any plant identification apps & I said I donโt have to thatโs def poison ivy but he still didnโt believe me so he picked some & took a picture of the plant in his hand using his app & guess what gordos, itโs poison ivy. ๐๐
2/2
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Because of
#COVID19
I canโt celebrate Cinco de Mayo the way I normally would.
So instead of going to French restaurants and overturning tables, Iโll be driving past the homes of French people and screaming insults at them at a safe distance.
#CincoAtHome
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โYouโre only internet famous because you made fun of a guy who could possibly be president. But he probably wonโt be president.โ And then my 9 year old rolled her eyes and left the room ๐คฃ
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My Uber driver just asked me why I was going to Brooklyn and I said I killed the viceroy in a knife fight and now I have to go into hiding and the only follow up question he had was โis Bensonhurst a good place to hideโ and thatโs why heโs getting 5 stars and a fat tip.
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Erev Yom Kippur is coming and since weโve all had a hell of a year I am going to just blanket forgive everyone. I forgive you.
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Last night I said โIโm not going to eat all the cannolis.โ In the end, I went to the fridge to eat all the cannolis and saw that my kids already ate the cannolis. PROMISE KEPT
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The two bombs in Elizabeth were found by two homeless people who alerted police. Think about that next time you ignore them.
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I know G-d has a sense of humor because the holiest day of the year where I have to be on my absolute best behavior and concentrate in Hebrew for long stretches of time because my literal soul hangs in the balance is also a day where Iโm not allowed to have any coffee.
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A hibiscus to brighten the timeline
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The French Resistance killed her because she was spying for the Nazis but whatever woo hoo feminism
#GirlBoss
::tosses glitter:: ๐
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Prince Harry is the first person ever to quit his job to spend LESS time with his family
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@teemothy
@terrelljstarr
His twitter isnโt an airport you donโt have to announce your departure
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May my cousinโs memory be a blessing
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Thinking about that time when I was 15 and my family and I took a vacation to Washington DC and police threatened to arrest my mother because she tried to take a picture of a menu that said Freedom Fries at some cafeteria in the capitol
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NOW DO THE VERRAZZANO
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I know that not all toddlers are extremist murders but the moderate toddlers really ought to speak up and condemn it
In 2016, Toddlers Have Shot More People in the US Than Muslim Terrorists Have
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A little league mom pointed at a clump of plants growing along the fence & wondered out loud if it was poison ivy. I looked & it was so I said so. Then one of the dads was like that isnโt poison ivy & I was like yes it is and someone else pointed out I was a horticulturalist 1/2
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Ok Iโm done with the Bernie meme now because nothing will top this
#wutang
#ShaolinSanders
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Since a couple of people have asked, Iโm responsible for the
@ElBloombito
ONLY and have nothing to do with what is apparently another parody account ๐คฃ ๐คฃ
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I have a little dreidel
I made it out of clay
Accidentally did Kabbalah
And it got up and walked away
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Thereโs no such thing as unskilled labor
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If you turn the lights out and say Bloody Mary 13 times in front of a mirror Rudy Giuliani will appear and drool on you.
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The supermarkets are on to our Chanukah witchcraft
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My mother just texted me this ๐คฃ
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โThis post is sponsored by Mike Bloomberg for presidentโ
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I asked God to bring back something from the Before Timesโข๏ธ to help get us through and he flipping picked winter.
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My mother just sent me this ๐
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So it appears heโs running for President.
Con yo ๐
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Iโm just saying a taco truck on every corner woulda been hella convenient
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Iโm at the craft tent w/ the kids and I told them to make square knots & the craft lady said to me in the standard โtalking to a preschooler voiceโ how do you know knots? And I said โyears of hostage taking and dungeon managementโ
Sorry it just came out of my mouth ๐
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Taco salad bowls are Mexican the same way Donald Trump is presidential. Dumb white people will eat it up.
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Omg not even joking on the Staten Island Expressway right now ๐๐๐๐
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