Jeff 'Mister Sir' Tucker
@JeffScottTucker
Followers
736
Following
168
Media
1,078
Statuses
5,482
Husband, dad, supposed warfighter, sarnt, controlmancer, gamer, perpetual DM, tarnished, guardian, Silmarillionaire
Joined May 2017
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@PreetBharara
I was walking past the park with my daughter the other day, and I pointed to one of the trees.
Me: "I want you to stay away from that tree."
Daughter: "What's wrong with that tree?"
Me: "I dunno, it just seems shady to me."
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Meg supplied me this grocery list, and I'm having a really hard time finding the Ground Bert...
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Meg asked me to to update everyone so you don't worry about her continued absence: she's just exhausted and resting
She's been sleeping for nearly 36hrs straight, waking just for food and gatorade. The heavy sleep and returned appetite usually means she's past the worst of it
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Teenaged son: "Are there giant spiders in D&D?"
@meghanttucker
: "You mean like Smegma? From Lord of the Rings?"
Me: "Definitely not smegma."
Meghan: "Yeah it is, smegma! That one big spider with the cave and it bites Frodo?"
Me: "Shelob, not smegma."
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It's almost like positive representation in popular culture and media is both important and impactful.
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Sent Meg a pic of a horse statue I found that's very anatomically correct, as one does, and found out that she didn't know what "hung like a horse" meant.
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Hey everyone,
@meghanttucker
asked me to let you know that she's recieved your emails, whatsapps, telegrams, etc, and that she appreciates them, and that she's fine. She's pretty drained so she doesn't really have the energy to respond to everyone right now.
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Hey y'all! It's Meghan.
I've been suspended, permanently.
I'm actually really damn sad about it and will miss you all 😭
Love,
Meg
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Hey everyone, it's
@meghanttucker
's birthday!!! Say nice things at her!!!
She's been brightening my days for years, and I hope to brighten hers for more to come.
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I just went to harass The Ginger to see if she'd spill the beans about what Meg got me for my birthday, and without any hesitation she says "divorce papers."
brutal
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My daughter keeps stealing all of my clothes. She's now taken my silk pinup girl shirt, and is showing zero shame in the theft.
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Meg refers to ground beef as "loose meat", and I hate it
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.
@meghanttucker
has never seen Clerks. I just found this out, and I told her I want a divorce. She seems to think that's a bit extreme.
How can she understand that my love for her is like a truck?
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Got some new glasses, first time I've changed frames in about a decade. Thoughts?
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Just remembered that I once, like 12 years ago, edited
@meghanttucker
's autocorrect settings to replace a few common phrases with "moist panties". She didn't notice for a while.
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I'm laying here, trying to sleep. Suddenly, this happens:
Meghan: Ow, my wrist! Or, well, not my wrist. What do you call the middle-of-your-arm wrist?
Me: Your what? Show me.
Meghan: *points to her middle-of-your-arm wrist*
Me: ...
Meghan: ...?
Me: ...elbow.
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There's a guy at work who's mom recently bought a dehydrator, and she keeps sending him random dehydrated stuff, which he brings in to share.
Today's treat is dehydrated Skittles, and HOLY FUCK THEY'RE SO GOOD I LOGGED IN AT WORK JUST TO SPREAD THE GOOD WORD.
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We're in bed trying to sleep, cuz it's late here in Germany, and
@meghanttucker
keeps farting horrendously, so I just Febreezed her butt. Like, a lot.
Now she's yelling at me because the blanket is all soaked with Febreeze.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
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@TheBlackNerd
I told my manager that there was no way I was cleaning that, and that I would understand if had to fire me for refusing his instructions but being fired would be better than cleaning that. Luckily he was a good dude and cleaned it himself.
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Meghan always accidentally refers to thw wrong thing as bukkake, so I just told her to google it.
Stand by
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I think I've discovered my next gift for Meg. It combines her love of chicken decor with her hatred of dark rooms.
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Meg just realized that she flirts a lot online, and then pointed out that I don't. To which I responded: "...do you not know how you'd respond to me flirting with someone?"
She looked genuinely surprised and said she'd be totally fine with it, lol.
So I'm gonna call that bluff
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Another quote from
@meghanttucker
:
"What's the plural of penis? I thought it was penode? It's gotta be penii, penises sounds too stupid."
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@Hollywood_Solo
Predator: guy uses wilderness survival knowledge and traps to defeat an alien hunter
Prey: girl uses wilderness survival knowledge and traps to defeat an alien hunter
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@Mile10com
@meghanttucker
Privately? Is being a dipshit behind the safety of a screen insufficient protection? Gotta add a layer of privacy as well?
Feel free to privately message me if you feel so inclined, but maybe you should instead spend that time pondering why you have such terrible views of women.
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@meghanttucker
Look how quickly I picked it up! First attempt at a bun looks like it's trying to find freedom in any direction that'll have it, second one stayed put.
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@InDaCV2
This isn't even the strangest thing in his house.
Content warning: wierd and explicit bdsm stuff
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Istfg, if Meg and I ever get divorced it's gonna be because she keeps insisting that Transformers and Voltron are the same thing.
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Yesterday,
@meghanttucker
ate all of my leftover not-too-spicy wings while I slept.
This morning, I spite-ate all of Meghan's leftover extremely spicy wings while she slept.
I am now realizing that this was a huge lapse in judgement.
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Much like her mother,
@meghanttucker
, our cat will occassionally show some begrudged affection.
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Meg just ranted at me hard because I teased her about how she plays Minecraft.
Quoth the Meg:
"I HAVE SIX DOUBLE CHESTS FULL OF BEET SEEDS. YOU WOULD SPIT IN THE FOUNDING FATHERS' FACES BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT WORK IS. MY BEES FUCKED, I HAD SOOOO MANY BEES."
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I was today years old when I learned that Meg doesn't know how to use cough drops.
She thinks you're supposed to quickly chew and swallow them, and is entirely perplexed about keeping it in her mouth.
She thinks I'm lying.
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Meg just told me that she almost reactivated her account today because, and this is a quote, "I wanted to know if shrimp dance?"
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Disregard. They unsuspended Meg after her appeal
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@meghanttucker
Soon she will emerge for berries and headrubs, afterwards returning to her den. Truly, a magnificent creature.
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@meghanttucker
@richardnibbler3
The Walgreen's manager?
He was loudly complaining about his wife to a visably-uncomfortable cashier.
He said "you wouldn't understand about dealing with a wife", and then he gestured to me and was like "this guy understands, right?"
I told him "Nah, I actually like my wife."
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Meg does this thing where she holds my thumb when she's trying to sleep, so I did this thing where I also hold her thumb with the same hand.
Then I said "it's like our thumbs are 69ing" and she yanked her hand back so fucking fast.
Now she's just glaring at me over her pillow.
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Meghan, explaining the ordering process at a French restaurant we're going to next month: "It's a multiple course meal, and they have three menus: vegetarian, poison, and terror."
Me: "That doesn't sound right."
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@TheBlackNerd
Taco Bell at 18, a dude comes up and says he had "a bit of an accident" in the bathroom. I head in to clean it up, and am just utterly blown away by the sheer quantity of shit. It was on the walls, on the floor, on the TP holder, even on the underside of the toilet seat itself.
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@Fifty_ShadesOfD
If you see multiple of the behaviors listed in these comments, run. You're not dating a man, you're dating a sentient pile of red flags in a leather trench coat.
Just remember that you're both actual people, you're supposed to be partners, and to love and respect each other.
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I wasnt even talking to a specific person or about a specific person
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@BaztrdOfMuppets
@meghanttucker
"He was a weak man. The sort who needed to crush a woman in order to feel powerful."
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14 years of marriage to my darling wife, 14 years of joyful laughter and sassy shenanigans.
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I apologize in advance to everyone that's about to get their hearts stolen
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Me: I found out that the villages that Beauty and the Beast is based on are only a couple of hours away.
Meg: WHAT!? SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHAT!? YOU FUCKING BITCH, WHAT!? **AGGRESSIVE WEEPING SOUNDS**
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@meghanttucker
was lamenting about how all her friends like metal and she doesn't, which then had her reminiscing about favorite older muic, which then had her doing this:
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Hey
@angel_0f_deathx
, just wanted to let you know that I forgot whether I'm supposed to use salt or oil in my pasta water, so I did both and hoped that it would average out. Does it work that way?
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Hey hey, just volunteered to stare at dicks all day, every day for about a week. But, like, professionally. Gettin' that sweet, sweet government pay to stare at dicks.
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@SocialismIsCrap
@meghanttucker
Do have any insults that have some genuine bite to them? Or, like, even a negative implication?
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Almost forgot the other half of the stuff, lol
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@meghanttucker
@Buckwheat071
To be fair, we've only been married for 15 years.
That guy's still a dipshit, though.
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On discussing what we'd want for each other for when one of us passes away:
@meghanttucker
: I want you to be satisfied, but I don't want you to be happy.
Me: That seems a little fucked up.
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One of the best things about Meg is how she surprises me with nice things.
Today's surprise when I got home from my 12hr nightshift: my side if the bed, which has the nightstand that I've perfectly set up for myself and my favorite pillow, is no longer my side of the bed.
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@meghanttucker
keeps yelling about peasants while she's playing her hunting game, which had me both confused and intrigued.
I went to check, and when some little critter ran across her screen she pointed and yelled "See! A peasant!"
Unfortunately, it was just a pheasant.
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Kinda feel bad for our neighbors, Meg's been loudly moaning and "oh my god"-ing nonstop for the last hour.
Turns out massage guns are like magic on all of her siezed-up muscles. Now she's showing off by pacing around and lifting her knees all high.
"Look at me walking!"
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So Mother's Day has already concluded here in the futureland of Germany,
@meghanttucker
spent the day getting gifts and alternating between Pixar movies with the kids and napping on the couch during Golden Girls.
Seems like a successful day all round.
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Meg, showing me a tweet from yesterday: "DO YOU JUST SHARE EVERY FUCKING THING I DO WITH THE INTERNET!?"
Me: "pretty much"
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I was stabbed directly in the testicle with a hypodermic needle.
After surgery on said testicle my doc noted that the site was filling with fluid, and in order to see if it was blood or something else he had to get a sample. His aim wasn't great, and I almost fainted from pain.
I’ve done a thread like this before I think but what is THE WORST pain you have EVER experienced?
For me: labor, gallbladder attacks, spinal headache, and teeth that needed root canals are some of the highest pain levels I’ve ever had.
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Goddammit, you use some Christians' own Bible against them a few times and suddenly all Twitter ever wants to recommend is evangelical bullshit.
is this what it means to be hoisted by my own petard?
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@WillSch47690393
@angel_0f_deathx
I'm loving the thought of you using this in real life.
'You see them across the way, your eyes meeting in a timeless moment. Kismet is upon you. You go to them, heart a-flutter, uttering your heart's sweetest symphony: "I find you very attractive, do you have a penis?"'
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Me: Hey, we can watch it in 4K now.
@meghanttucker
: I don't know what that means.
Me: *about to tell her*
Her: Wait, I know what that means! It's like 3D, right? But 1 more?
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I was woken up today by Meg jumping on the bed and yelling at me.
Meg: "KONA WANTS TO BE THE BIRD THAT WORKS AT KINKOS"
Me: "What?"
Meg: "The bird, the one that works at Kinkos. For D&D. They talk like Bumblebee."
Me: "........Kenku."
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Meg just learned that hiring someone to kill someone is illegal
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There's a big ass rabbit in our back yard, and it's just staring at us menacingly.
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I've been playing the hell out of Baldur's Gate 3 since we got it for Xmas, and I told Meg that I think she'd absolutely love it.
And now she's refusing to let me have a turn on the xbox.
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Meg, storming into the bedroom just now.
"CAN YOU FIX YOUR USERNAME I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. PUT IN THE MISSING QUOTATION MARK"
Geez, fine babe.
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Happy birthday,
@angel_0f_deathx
!!
I don't know if you already know this, but Meg refers to you as her soulmate on a regular basis.
She has literally never referred to me as such.
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@the_four_zoas
Bugger was the only one I couldn't parse, and I feel bad that I didn't realize it was butter lol
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Meg just asked if the reason bears have different colored fur on their bellies is because they saw us wearing tuxedos?
Then she said that that doesn't make any sense, because then they'd have cummerbunds.
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Marrying you was truly the best decision I ever made. ❤❤❤
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@meghanttucker
just saw me using my beard stubble to scratch my hand, and I told her that beard stubble is a great scritcher.
Sooooo, naturally Meghan just had me spend a few minutes rubbing my face up and down her back, like the world's most awkward back scratcher.
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