Whenever I explain anything to my ex, she accuses me of mansplaining. I counter that I am, in fact, EX-plaining. We’re never getting back together…

With 3 INTs and 1 fumble lost tonight at MetLife Stadium, they’ve officially made Bills QB Josh Allen an honorary NY Jet.

Do you remember the time…Michael Jackson turned into a sand tornado and escaped King Eddie Murphy and his henchmen Tiny Lister and Magic Johnson, after making out with Queen Iman?

Just because your kid has a lot of energy doesn’t mean they have A.D.D. Maybe it’s your fat ass, stuffed full of seed oils, processed garbage, and abandoned dreams, who has given up, and you just hate to be inconvenienced by activity and happiness. #🌈⭐️

How the @Mets outdo themselves game after game after game is absolutely stunning! Tied at 1 in the 7th vs the @Pirates, they give up their 8th walk, double, K (1), 9th walk, 10th walk, hit batter, passed ball, double, pop fly (2), triple and mercifully a K (3!) It’s 7-1 Bucs #FML

The @Mets are having a bottom 5 vs. the @Braves tonight (8/13/23) that they usually have go against them! I’ll take it!! #LFGM #BeatAtlantaJustOnce!

The @Mets are 2-10 so far this August. They just lost their 3rd straight game against the Atlanta @Braves. The current run total from those three games is ATL 34 NYM 3. Another chance tomorrow! #FML #MakeItStop #NYMess

The @Royals sweep the @Mets to GET TO FORTY GAMES BELOW .500 The hits just keep on coming… #FML

Last night the @Mets blew a 6-4 lead in the 10th with an error and a walk-off BALK against the 2nd worst team in all of baseball. Tonight, down 4-0, they load the bases with two outs in the 9th, on two walks and a base hit. McNeil (3-4 on the night) weakly grounds out to 2nd. 🪦

Dear @Mets, please DFA Starling Marte right now. Right now heading into the bottom of the 9th. Cut him and make him walk home IMMEDIATELY. #FirstPitchGIDP #iCantBearItAnymore

In their last five series, the @Mets have scored EIGHTY runs, which averages out to 5.7 runs per game. They went 4-10 in that stretch. #NYMESS

Mr. White, in Miami, with THE DAGGER! #Clue @celtics

Fun Fact: Since going 9-2 through the west coast mid April (SD, Oak, LA, SF - 1st two games) the @Mets are 3-10 (SF, Wash, ATL, DET, COL.) Since getting swept by the Astros, the @Braves are 9-3 (FL, NYM, FL, BAL.) and 6 games up on NY. You can’t buy championships.

Whenever we were lucky enough to go to a steakhouse, my dad wouldn’t let us eat the free bread. “I’m not paying $60 for a steak that you won’t eat because you filled up on free bread.” I learned a lesson there: get big enough to eat the bread AND the steak. Thanks dad

Thursday’s NY Sports Headline: @StevenACohen2 Buys Japan

Soccer, er Futbol, y’all gotta figure out this offside bullshit. I mean, a fingernail from 40 yards out offers NO ADVANTAGE WHATSOEVER. It’s really hard to score and you take goals away by a motherf*cking micron?!

This is insane. How is @UNC_Basketball this bad?! They were 15 minutes from a National Title last season and only lost 1 player. They were preseason #1. I mean, it just doesn’t make any sense! How can 5 guys, some very tall, not hit any shots?! I’m terribly vexed.

I keep wanting to believe that @UNC_Basketball is a good team this year…and maybe they are, but they are just owned by Jeff Capel. @PittHoopsMBB eats their lunch.

That was the most @Chargers way to lose a game, ever! Congrats to DUUUUUUUUVALLLL!!!

The entire #JohnWick franchise revolves around a chance encounter at a rural gas station. 10 minutes earlier or 10 minutes later and none of that world is affected. Nobody in the three plus movies had to die. JW and his dog grow old and live a basic boring life. #NotThisBitch