To clarify I mean I ran out of tissues so now I’m blowing my nose with toilet paper… not incase I crap myself…. But we shall see what tomorrow brings.

I’m *Keep a roll of TP on the coffee table* level sick…

Upon further investigation, I guess there is another season coming?! How?!

I got into Lincoln Lawyer and I’m on the 3rd season like “how did this show get cancelled” then he started talking to ghosts and they started doing artistic camera angles. That’s sitcom suicide.

If @Stranger_Things dialed back the red light and slime budget by like 400 bucks and put it towards wigs…

Sometimes when I eat something, I know is gonna fuck my stomach up. I eat the green Tums as a lil punishment.

“Your instagram is so good. You’re so funny and your art is amazing” -The Guy At The Bar Thanks lurker dude that’s never liked or shared a damn thing.

Today’s “I’m getting old” realization is that I am on my second western of the day while shopping for cable knit sweaters online.

Yo legally I can just punch restaurant owners that want 4.50 to add corn to your ramen. Also $4 cans of soda?!

I just realized I haven’t eaten in 48 hours. Also I havent had a Diet Coke in 3 days… sorry I’ve been so rude and weird this kinda explains it… kinda

Hey @50cent! Now do @realDonaldTrump

vacant seat in the poor chimney-corner, and a crutch without an owner, carefully preserved.

Cringe. Stop it.

This Pepsi Zero from @tacobell tastes like a warm/weak rum and coke that’s watered down by melted ice but is somehow also ice cold… does that make sense?

Now it’s delayed… so later than late @Grubhub… daaaaamnit

I HATE how helpless you feel when @Grubhub decides to show you a restaurant that’s 7 miles away when theres one about 1mile away you’ve ordered from. I didn’t look at the decent out of trust. So now I’m waiting 1.5 hours for cold food. The predisappointment is a crushing me.

I kinda want @BurgerKing cause I’m a gross little piggy gargoyle.

Searching the internet for nickel sized AA & NA medallions for my Burberry loafers cause if I can’t go to these meeting stunting on these bums, what’s the point?!

Whoever is in charge of the quality control/continuity of the hair and makeup department on @Stranger_Things needs to lose their fuckin job.

I’m gonna print coasters for my favorite bars. One side green, other red to indicate whether I want to keep going with small talk like it’s fucking Fogo de Ciao.