Would like to re-popularize the term "a rollicking good time".

Well my algorithm is different. Less blue check mark grifters and more middle aged boob women.

I love the song American Pie although it does go on a bit.

https://t.co/SiYkHxn4Nh

Zombies are only terrifying if they are slow or fast. The Jogging Dead would look silly.

The phrase should be "you can't KEEP your cake and eat it". Of course you can have it and eat it.

Never seen anyone looking happy chewing a prune.

Sod it. Treating myself.

My bank is offering a free $3000 bonus. All I have to do is deposit $500,000

Says in the news that crabs are getting braver. This won't end well.

When you show someone your favorite movie, and when they take a bathroom break they say "It's OK you don't need to pause it"

Only one choice IMO @bankofengland

Out of all my notepads this is my favourite. By a good margin

Do the shake 'n' vac and put the freshness back.

Are all Roddy's Rowdy?

When I'm on my own I eat Pizza upside down so my tongue can taste the toppings more effectively.

Do Astronauts do any actual work? Every time I see a video it's always "oh, look how toothpaste comes out ...... IN SPACE!" Yes. No gravity. I Get it! Go and check the fucking rockets or something.

https://t.co/KyBP8EoMW0

It's hard to listen when you Preach.

Spent the best 10 years of my life laying floors with my best mate. Met him in boarding school.