Tim Chapman
@IslingtonChap
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Times reader. 📚 Radio 4 listener. 📻 Rejoiner. 🇪🇺 Adore Ottolenghi. 😋 Father of two. 👪 Cambridge graduate. 🏆 Investigative journalism costs money. 🫰
Islington
Joined January 2021
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I'm not going to debate with somebody who did not attend Cambridge University. That would be punching down.
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Going after Russian Dark money could cause house prices in Central London to crash overnight.
Rents could plummet, jeopardising the livelihoods of tens of thousands of landlords.
Hold Mr Putin to account, robustly, by all means. But do so sensibly. Pragmatically. Declare war.
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He’s 27. He’s ‘gotten in to climbing’ recently. His hairline is retreating. He’s starting to realise he should have married his second year girlfriend.
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@sarahjolney1
What about NHS nurses who sleep during the day because they have nightshifts? We shouldn't be letting these planes fly at all.
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Look him in the eyes and tell him you want him to die.
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Tube is full. Elderly woman hobbling about, looks at me expectantly. I lean forward, as if to get off my seat.
Her eyes light up. I point behind me to the sign saying ‘not all disabilities are visible’. Back to Candy Crush. Saga.
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Mr Putin. I won’t mince my words here. You have breached International Law.
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If young people continue to ‘work’ from home, they won’t learn how to slack off in a high pressure environment.
Minimising tabs quickly. Clicking about aimlessly on Excel. The hour long loo breaks.
Crucial soft skills you won’t pick up without a manager hovering over you.
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When a group of surly young men get on to my train carriage and play their ‘drill music’, I nod along and tap my feet to the beat.
I am a Londoner. These are the rhythms of my city. You, a frightened Home Counties mouse, will never understand that.
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Walking around an English cathedral with another educated person is a true test of endurance.
Who can keep walking around looking contemplative for the longest? The first to move to the exit; philistine.
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I feel physically sick. A monument to civilisation ripped asunder by the Tories failure to get a grip on Climate.
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From my understanding of the military situation, now is not the time for Zelenskiiy to hold talks. He should press his overwhelming advantage, push on to Moscow. Don't let Putin slip the net with some diplomatic ploy.
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The wine is excellent, the conversation better. Another Islington evening of erudite excess.
One man, less well adjusted than the rest, speaks:
‘The situation in Kiev’.
All talking stops, as the ‘K’ slur is left to hang. Drinks are left half finished. Cabs are called.
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Step 1: Kemi Badenoch becomes PM.
Step 2: The Woke Left realise they were the Real Racists all along, and crumble in to dust.
Step 3: Clarkson back on Top Gear.
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Putin has made a massive miscalculation here. NATO has never been more United.
From Washington, to Gdańsk, the entire Western alliance is watching him invade Ukraine on the telly. Together.
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Seven copies of ‘Freakonomics’ wrapped and ready to go. My nephews will be so happy.
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You can steal someone’s dog, mate, you can break in to someone’s home. Threaten to kill. It’s not your fault they shut those SureStart centres.
But the second you put that video on the net - you’ve committed an Online Harm. Unforgivable. HMP Belmarsh.
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Trafalgar Square right now - virtually abandoned. Before 2016 it would have been bustling with happy families; sadly lost to the Brexit famines.
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Multiculturalism has failed? Well riddle me this Cruella de Populism. I’m currently sat down in front of a Lamb Rogan Josh. And in my right hand? An Erdinger. Explain.
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Girlfriend’s cheating on you? Can’t make rent? Dad’s got Cancer? Leave it at the door.
You are in the office now. It’s time to Engage with the Stakeholders. Come on Mate. The whole Team is counting on you.
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Please stop the scaremongering about Nuclear radiation. We wore a mask for two years, I’m sure you can manage a hazmat suit.
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The Weaver Line: an entire section of the transport network permanently dedicated to Dame Jackie Weaver. A monument to the Stakeholders. To the Teams call. To the cuppa.
Lockdown may be paused for now - but the Revolution is permanent.
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Actually, we brought you in for a third stage just to see if you have more than one suit. A test, I’m afraid to say, you have failed.
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The walk out of Finsbury Park station is cruelly deceptive. A Gails next to an M&S. You feel safe. You let your guard down. You have no idea what horrors await you around the corner.
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We don’t need HS2. What we need is NHS2. A health service for the digital age. A health service with USB charging ports so people can learn to code during A&E waits.
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Time for the government to get a grip. Time to:
🔒Lock down
🚨Declare a climate emergency
🇪🇺Apologise to Europe
💷Invest in the communities
🏛 Devolve foreign policy to metro mayors
🏠Ban the construction of all new buildings
👨🎓 New graduate tax to be paid on top of student loan
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Draft them. Get the snowflakes out of their dreary University Halls (a pragmatic Oxbridge exception) and on to the front line.
Me? Fight? Alas, and with a heavy heart, I’ve got flat feet. It wouldn’t be safe.
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@andreajenkyns
It is not the job of an MP to opine on the operational decisions of the Met Police.
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When I ask ‘where are you from’, I’m really asking which borough of London. If you hail from outside the M25, please just say ‘England’. I will not have heard of your suburb ‘near Manchester’.
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I never voted for him (I swear). But since Cameron has taken over as foreign secretary - I’ve felt this indescribable sense of safety.
When the planes fly overhead, I no longer shiver - fearful. No Nuclear weapons will hit London. Not with this Credibility. Thank you, Daddy.
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An invasion of Russia would mean employment for thousands of left behind working class men in the likes of Blackpool, and Manchester.
It is the very definition of Levelling Up.
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If you only stay up all night for the General Elections and referendums don’t try and talk to me about Politics. You are like a ‘Christian’ who swans in to church once a year for Easter.
3:44 AM. Red eyes. Mid Bedfordshire. Tamworth. That’s what separates the men from the boys.
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So, so thrilled by that FT chart regarding Britain’s world beating Integration that I’ve turned it in to my Wallpaper.
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Pressing for a firm commitment from Westminster school that Russian pupils will not be allowed to compete in this summer’s sports day.
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Look, I was fairly sure we could make Afghanistan work. It hasn’t turned out exactly to plan, but it was worth a try.
Now it’s only fair that you lot pitch in and accommodate thousands of Afghan refugees.
Not in Islington mind, no chance they’ll be able to afford living here.
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@TheNotoriousMMA
Celebrating the best of Ireland. Not on Creed, nor Colour, but values. Actions. Respect. 👊
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You want a job putting cans onto shelves? Give me seven examples of times you lead a team.
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I might go all out this Christmas, an enormous outdoor lights display. Illuminated reindeer; the full Monty.
Déclassé, in times gone by, but with bills soaring, it will be a raw, naked expression of Power.
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During Windrush, Jamaican men and women were confronted by signs saying: No dogs, no blacks, no Irish.
60 years later, Ukrainians fleeing war are forced to see the K slur plastered on the side of respectable supermarkets. Shameful. Appalling.
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Putin may have silenced his internal critics for now, but he hasn’t won the Argument. Prigozhin may be dead, but his dream isn’t; a liberal (in the classic sense of the term) Russia that sits at the very Heart of Europe.
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‘Kings college…’
My ears prick.
‘London’
My ears deflate. Back to daydreaming about cream.
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The pull factors to Britain are obvious. Pret A Manger. Gastropubs. ‘Italian-style’ Delis called ‘The Root’. The North London dinner party circuit.
There is one tool, and one tool alone that can stop refugees from risking a trip across the channel. Another Lockdown.
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Chinese water torture is where they make you drink sparkling water.
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You, you, you want to sell of social housing in London? Oh? Well riddle me this. Where is my cleaner going to live? Where you will be quartering my indentured Deliveroo servants?
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If walking around a building that isn’t made of medium density fibrewood and plastic reminds you of ‘Hogwarts’, you should keep that very depressing insight to yourself.
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If 70 percent of pubs close, the small rump that survives will be those with clientele who can afford the £10 pint.
A great cleansing. Away with the terrifying flat-roofs festooned with Sky Sports banners. Leaving only the best gastropubs, with the chunkiest of chips.
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Believing that bedbugs are new to London is the very definition of a 'luxury belief'. You have no idea what my tenants have been through.
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Comparing the nightlife of London and Leeds is utterly spurious. Northerners go on until the early hours because they don’t need a good nights sleep to function in retail jobs.
City bankers, top lawyers and fast streamers need their kip to keep the country moving. Lights out.
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Just had a peek at a tenants gas bill (very much NOT included). Oh crumbs! 🤣
Today marks the end of an Era. Of cheapness. Of vulgarity. Of Ryan Air flights, ‘ready to eat’ chicken and calorie surpluses.
A new dawn has broken, has it not?
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That’s right. A business email. Sent from my iPhone. I’m getting on with the Job while I’m on the Go.
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Children are being preyed on by sexual predators online. This is why we have to make it illegal to quote tweet me and call me a fat idiot.
No, you cannot have these two pieces of legislation separately.
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Just finished laying out mandatory Christmas lunch for tenants. Socially distanced, of course. £7 a pop. No butter, obviously, don’t want them getting ideas.
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An exclusive upper-middle class pleasure; cc’ing in a friend who studied Law at University to intimidate Customer Service people.
As soon as they see the @.slaughterandmay - terror.
You will send me a technical engineer to show me how to unlock my iPad, Virgin Media: Pro Bono.
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Bit worried my non-driving tenants aren’t getting to take part in the cost of living crisis. Considering yet another rent rise so they can stick two fingers up to Mr Putin.
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Accidentally click on a WhatsApp notification from a tenant I’ve been ignoring. The usual blah blah about brown tap water and conjunctivitis.
Tell her I’ll be setting up a Taskforce to Tackle her maintenance issues head on, once the summer dinner party circuit winds down.
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You have to ask yourself why someone wants to discredit this photograph with a bogus ‘Community Note’. And then you have to ask yourself who (🇷🇺).
Trafalgar Square right now - virtually abandoned. Before 2016 it would have been bustling with happy families; sadly lost to the Brexit famines.
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I do not recognise Putin's illegal referendums in Zaporizhzhia and Kherson any more than I recognise his illegal referendum in Britain.
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I’m going through my records. If I find out any of my current tenants have masters degrees in journalism from city, their rent is getting doubled.
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The usual, yeah. Almond Croissant and a British Smoked Bacon Bap. And a Cappuccino. Hold the chocolate powder. I’m in mourning.
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Geneva airport. Non-EU gate. 'Keep it together Tim, we're British. We love a good Queue.'
But the wry smirk from the Swiss border guard is too much to bear. As he stamps my Passport with the mark of Cain, the tears begin to flood.
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Getting on to a plane without a mask is the same as getting on to a plane with a gun.
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Julian’s latest fling, ‘Freya’ is around for dinner. 2nd generation Oxford. Fine, she can eat inside, but don’t expect me to make an effort.
As she waffles on about ‘Being Real’, mind wanders. Sunak v Starmer General Election. Pragmatism. Policy. Mouth watering. Quite literally.
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Hi, my names Tim, I’m a landlord. From London, obviously. My fun fact is that I invented converting living rooms in to bedrooms in houses of multiple occupancy.
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I’ve considered it, and concluded that opening my home to a Ukrainian refugee would be an act of unkindness.
Six months; accompanying me on the Heath, to the right sort of dinner parties. Ottolenghi. Endless Ottolenghi.
The rest of their lives will seem so grey by comparison.
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Prime Minister, your trade envoy to Morocco has resigned, I think, it’s hard to make out. You can’t survive this. Just Go.
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Just found out Penny Mordaunt went to Reading University. Not even a Russler.
Diversity is brilliant, but there has to be a line somewhere. We are on the eve of war in Europe. Let’s not get led in to it by a Donkey.
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I would still say it’s too early to lock in your Christmas plans. The data can change in moments.
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Just three more hours of scrolling up and down on word documents with a serious expression. Then, the weekend is yours for the taking.
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Pop myself down on the barber’s chair. First words out of my mouth: ‘so what’s this European Super League bollocks about?’
Instant relief on his face when he realises that, despite my plummy tones and Oxbridge heritage, I’m just a normal Bloke like him.
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One of the burdens of being a funny bloke is that it always seems like you are flirting at social events.
Dagger eyes from Fiona as I finish off my recitation of one of David Mitchell’s soap box ‘angry rants’, to many peals of feminine laughter. Listen love, I can’t help it.
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Right, enough packets of lays by the pool, time for a cultural trip.
Huffing and puffing around a church in shorts and sandals, preferably during a service. Photographing every square inch of the place on my iPad. This is the life.
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@Annakwood
Don’t be afraid to get physical with staff. Often it’s the only language they understand.
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I’m thinking re China: is it time to cash in the Soft Power from our Schools and Universities?
We could turn around and say: listen. You moped around Brighton for three years drinking bubble tea - so take it easy on the Cyber Attacks.
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Ukrainian flag pin. ✅
Poppy. ✅
‘I got vaccinated’ sticker. ✅
Beginning to resemble a highly decorated North Korean General in appearance (and human rights record).
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Think I’ll go for the Northern line today. Two suitcases, both empty.
You cannot prove in a court of law that I am spending my early retirement travelling at Rush hour to frustrate commuters.
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Civil servants on permanent paid sick leave on account of their ‘Long Covid’ is the closest thing we have to a modern Aristocracy.
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I warned you all. Mortgages are a scam; leaving you at the mercy of interest rates. Very much looking forward to welcoming formerly smug ‘first time buyers’ to the rental market.
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Real sense of Togetherness in the Hampstead Marks + Spencers as The Great British Buzzer sounds.
‘Oop, crumbs, yep, it’s today isn’t it!’ Smiles on faces. Takes me right back to clapping for our Nurses. More of this please.
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That Balloon story was so wasted on America. We Brits would have made a proper job of celebrating the whimsy of it.
Name it something hilarious like ‘Balloony McBalloon face’. Philomena Cunk interviewing a replica of it for Red Nose Day. Instant national treasure.
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I remain a believer in the Good Friday Agreement. But I can’t help but feel a British government would handle these disturbances more appropriately.
Put up a stage. Parents of the murdered kids and Communities linking hands together. “Don’t look back in anger, I hear you say…”
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I love the NHS. That’s why I’m with BUPA. Takes the burden off those nurses.
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Is there a doctor onboard this plane?
On a British Airways flight departing Heathrow at 10:05, it’s probably a yes.
Ryanair departing Stansted at 6:35? Oh dear. Best of luck with the Heart Attack.
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I don’t care if the rest of the train is empty. I paid for this seat, and you are in it. So you will unplug your mobile Smartphone charger, re-seal your packet of Maltesers and pack up your laptop.
And you will move.
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People complain a lot about ‘hot-desking’, but is there any greater joy than turning up half an hour late to work and kicking a subordinate off your desk?
Like a stout piglet, pushing the runt of the litter off it’s teat.
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Really? You are actually free this Friday evening? You only need two days notice? God. That is so tragic. Invite revoked.
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Remember son, when my heart finally gives out in forty years you’ll inherit everything. Then, and only then, you’ll finally be able to afford to have children. You just have to wait patiently.
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The lights are going out all over Tufton Street, we shall not see them lit again in our lifetime.
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He passed the Situational Judgement Test, Mr Raab, and so possesses the Mandate of Heaven. You, a mere elected politician, would do well to remember that.
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There is something especially tragic about provincials who adopt subcultures. A Norfolk Emo. A man from Wrexham with a man-bun.
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@NewsForAllUK
Can’t see what all the fuss is about. Better she gets back safely to help her Team in the final round.
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Just think about how difficult it will be for Islamists to intimidate politicians once we build our Assembly of the Nations and Regions.
Metro Mayors. Citizens juries. Offices for Scrutiny. A mind boggling maze of unaccountable Stakeholders. They’ll have no idea who to harass.
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