Grace π¦π©΅π£πββ¬π
@HormoneHangover
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retired detrans blogger. i know you got a little life in you yet, i know you got a lot of strength left
Joined March 2019
no one has ever given me a coherent explanation for why academics started saying "bodies" instead of "people".
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My name is Grace and I detransitioned. On the left: me shortly after top surgery, 2017. This was the darkest time in my life. On the right: me recently. Life goes on, life gets better. #DetransAwarenessDay
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when i first detransitioned, i was sure i had ruined my life. it was a scary, bleak feeling that i thought would never end. so i bought yarn for this blanket and told myself "finish this blanket first, then see how you feel"
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I got hormones after a 10-minute assessment. I got a top surgery letter after a few hours of therapy. I take responsibility for my choices, but I was unwell when I made them. I'll always wish that my healthcare providers had helped me instead of enabling my self harm.
I had gender dysphoria. Accordingly to myself, and my gender clinic - who quickly diagnosed me with it. And treated me with cross-sex hormones and surgery. I regret it. I exist. You just ignored my other issues. I'll never forgive you.
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Well I had to take a look, the book doesnβt seem that violent to m- oh oh nβoοΏ½οΏ½ α΄Ό α΅ o
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wow I can't believe what kind of healing is possible with time. you can totally almost ruin your life in your early 20s and then be 30 years old in a completely new world. i'm teaching my baby how to draw with crayons today. life is long, scars fade, second chances arise.
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we did get married this weekend. the flowers were fragrant, the cake was delicious, and we cried and laughed and danced all night. Iβm a lucky woman
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Joan Didion said it's painful having your self-deceptions shattered by reality but it's a precursor to developing real self-respect. Her vision of self respect: a kind of clear-eyed acceptance of yourself, your choices, and where they are likely to lead. Love the concept.
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Turns out my surgeon is on tiktok advertising her services (username: gendersurgeon). She loves talking about "yeeting the teets", which I guess is the, uh. professional term for double mastectomy these days?
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Having a baby is such an extreme coming-of-age moment. You go through an experience so psychedelically painful that you pierce the veil between life and death and you come back with a lil fragile squalling red guy who you must guard at every moment. I feel more grown up now.
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I want to say that I'm really grateful to 60 Minutes for airing some detransition stories to a national audience. It was the first US coverage of its kind and that is huge and important.
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my life was not ruined. my life was just beginning. and things have gotten so much sweeter since
when i first detransitioned, i was sure i had ruined my life. it was a scary, bleak feeling that i thought would never end. so i bought yarn for this blanket and told myself "finish this blanket first, then see how you feel"
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I transitioned FtM with testosterone injections and a double-mastectomy. It was a bandaid for deeper pain, and I regret it. Detransition was humbling and healing for me. I'm so glad to have found hard-won peace and acceptance for myself as a woman. #DetransAwarenessDay
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Iβm on 60 Minutes tonight talking about my detransition .
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i am very fond of that blanket. a lot of lessons are wrapped up in it. a reminder to have patience, a symbol the power of time to heal wounds, the importance of springing for a nice wool on big projects so you don't spend 6 months knitting with acrylic.
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6 months changed some things, but a lot more has changed in the years since. i have a new career, i live in a new city, i have this little furrster walking around on me at night, and i'm getting married. i still have scars. i also still have my blanket. :)
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when the blanket was done, i did feel a little better. not totally - i was still a mess. the identity crisis, medical fiasco, and subsequent total disintegration of my worldview was far from resolved - but i could see a little light. the blanket reminded me things can change.
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Ghenghis Khan's hordes used to have a battle formation where horse riders rode in a circle while advancing towards the enemy, reloading arrows in the back and shooting at the front. so someone was always firing, creating a neverending horse tornado raining arrows. can you imagine.
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i think the answer is "because it sounds serious and dire".
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when you're looking at turning a life around, 6 months of consistent, imperfect effort seems like a good place to start. reversing harmful momentum takes a while, getting going in a better direction takes a while longer. i used to want a quick fix, but now i know that's not real.
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some mistakes can't be undone. but i had to keep going. obsession and regret turned inward was a never-ending pit. i took great comfort in tactile, physical things. bake the rosemary bread. take the walk. knit the 76th boring square of the stupid giant blanket.
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it's scary when you start reading studies that are regularly cited as foundational proof for some extremely definitive statement, and you realize they were all either done on like 34 people in 1997 or are entirely based off of internet surveys.
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Thereβs been such an explosion of detransitioners speaking out. Itβs a relief. Let the truth come out.
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GO CORINNA! Truly proud to be friends with this brilliant, funny, and brave person.
Here's Corinna Cohn, a biological male who identifies as transsexual, testifying today in SUPPORT of a bill banning biological males from women's sports. Cohn testifies that "it is unfair to expect girls to cede their hard-won rights."
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@jk_rowling I really appreciated your essay, especially your kind concern about detransitioners. Thank you for standing up for us. The doxxing is terrifying. Stay strong.
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Detrans community: reflections. Iβve been in the detrans world for a while. Itβs bloomed and grown, unfortunately, as more people are hurt by trans medicine and seek new understand of themselves. Iβve seen the good and bad, a patchwork of human suffering and resilience. 1/?.
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i'm sorry i ever thought my life would be better if i was a man. i like being an eccentric woman.
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people will really come up to detransitioners like "ok but why are you talking about it so much" like okay because it will be affecting me for the rest of my life and i was brought up in a digital culture of sharing, next question.
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Detrans awareness day is tomorrow I canβt wait to see the hilarious posts mocking our pain lol.
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I have major reservations about using this kind of jokey meme language to advertise/trivialize gender surgeries to kids/young people on tiktok. But okay, Dr. Teetus Deletus.
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Even if you think detransition is 100% the detransitioner's fault and 0% the medical professional's fault, I still don't see how you could object to us telling our stories so that others can learn from our mistakes Β―\_(γ)_/Β―.
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If there is pediatric transition, the statute of limitations on malpractice lawsuits should be 20 years, not 1 or 2. If doctors truly believe they are doing the right thing for kids, they should be willing to vouch for their long term health and happiness.
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As far as I can tell, many therapists and doctors have given up on any effort to explore if gender dysphoria stems from any underlying issues - it's considered transphobic to do - and in lieu of this, everyone is basically just diagnosing themselves.
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If you came here from 60 Minutes -- hello -- here's something I wrote more in depth about my detransition:.
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i'm getting married. does anyone have any tips.
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She posts lots of helpful PSAs, like: Do you feel sad after your surgery? Don't worry, it's only temporary!! Wheeee!!! π (Wasn't true for me π)
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The fact that this woman is advertising and marketing this surgery to children on TikTok is so demonic.
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since i became a public detransitioner i've become persona non grata in some circles but i now am friends with a bunch of brilliant and weird and offbeat people i never would have met before. i like it.
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like it or not, itβs gonna be the year of the detrans reckoning in America.
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I see powerful people demanding that detransitioners not be heard, that it's "not the right time." This is cruel. It's too much to ask. Our lives and stories are important. By blacklisting and slandering people who come forward, you drive detrans people into shame and isolation.
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When I called my insurance provider to see about reconstruction for my top surgery after detransition the rep got kind of flustered, told me no, and then hung up on me. Was a really jarring change from how easy everything had been before.
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I used to feel ashamed of my transition and detransition, but I don't anymore. Everyone has struggles and gets lost sometimes. I think my choices make a lot of sense with the information and cultural context I had at the time.
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I have a lot of brutal detransition regret about not being able to breastfeed. But I'm so grateful I was able to have a child. The cliches are all true: it changes everything. I love him so much.
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It's wacky when someone brings up old posts from a detransitioner to try to prove their hypocrisy like "oh you used to be really transition-positive!" Like yeah! In fact many of us were so medical-transition-positive that we even got major surgeries! Thats how we got here!.
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checking in on my surgeons TikTok marketing⦠>:(
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New post, this one on the crossover between pro-ana and trans tumblr subcultures.
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Itβs #DetransAwarenessDay so Iβm going to shamelessly promote my gigantic essay I wrote about my experience with top surgery
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I don't think the average person has any obligation to care about my story. If it upsets you or freaks you out to read it, you can certainly move along. I do think it's reasonable to ask doctors and clinicians - especially my own - to take stories like mine into account, though.
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Thank you to @Newsweek for publishing my op-ed on the urgency of open conversation around trans medicine and detransition! .
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In my opinion the seeds of the decline of the trans boom that started in the 2010s will be the same as the original impetus for its rise: young female people talking about their feelings online.
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instead of being trans in my late teens and early 20s, i should have had a pop-punk band. i feel like that would have been more fun and overall a better thing to pour my neuroticism into.
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common rhetorical slight of hand is to take a point of view like "people can be influenced towards transition on the internet," rewrite it to sound stupid, "ohhh so you think the internet 'makes people trans'?" and declare it a "trope" and therefore unworthy of serious engagement.
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Worst purchases of my 20s:.1. Top surgery.2. IKEA couch thatβs way too deep to sit normally in.3. Vegan meal at expensive UWS restaurant that consisted of rubber-like seitan slab floating on a sea of watery mashed potatoes .4. Gender therapy .5. A dress from dress barn.
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Talking to detransitioners who arenβt public with their stories and one common theme is dealing with heavy shame. Itβs hard to forgive yourself when you played a part in your own trauma.
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"People don't become trans from the internet, thats a myth". People are memetic creatures. We pick up ideas. Transition is presented as a panacea to a wide range of human suffering, as spiritual actualization, AND to top it off, something you kill yourself without. Thats powerful.
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i will not move on from criticizing trans medicine because there's a huge marketing campaign acting as if it's some kind of life-affirming magic to get hormones and surgery and doctors have abandoned any kind of diagnostic criteria en masse.
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People who say stuff like βdetransitioners are just cis people who made a mistakeβ are wrong and also lazy in thinking. Dysphoria is more complicated than that.
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I wrote about what it's like to regret top surgery, and what kind of healing and relief I have found to be possible later. Oh yeah, and I have a blog now!. This is the first of three essays, and it focuses on the disorienting pain and grief of surgery.
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Feels really wretched to look back at all the credentialed professionals who could have bothered to look into your issues, seen the red flags, and just didn't care enough to do it. But that's life. People aren't always looking out for your best interests.
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gonna have to give my daughter the "what do we say to strangers who offer you candy? no!" talk but with "what do we say to people who try to guilt trip you into eroding your boundaries using social justice rhetoric? no!".
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i want there to be high-quality assessments that allow people to ascertain whether transition will be beneficial for them. and i want there to be high-quality research on the long term physical and mental health effects. this is my agenda.
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I know for a fact they interviewed some detransitioners who were under 18 when they transitioned, including surgery in some cases.
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I keep seeing people in that inflatable dinosaur costume and thinking βomg the British feminists are hereβ.
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Look. We're maximizing for ease of access, not for screening people for mental health issues. That is the US model. And I know a lot of people want that. But the stakes are just so incredibly high. The current model puts all the responsibility on the patient. Is that fair?.
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i think if you are considering transition and because of fear or anxiety you can't stomach reading detransition stories, that is a really big red flag. you need to acknowledge that ambivalence, not avoid it.
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Me in 2019: I am adrift in the ruins of my life.Me now: look at this basil I grew. In a little earthen pot πΏ.
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feel trapped by expectations of womanhood -> transition -> realize this is another project of trying to control people's perception of me -> realize in both cases i was defining my sense of self by outside narratives -> detrans -> get a hobby.
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it's so infuriating to be called a terf by people who never transitioned. like. i'm physically transitioned, i've lived it in a very real way and you're still calling me this? i understand that it's just political mudslinging but grrr it dont make sense.
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#DetransAwarenessDay is so important because the sooner we demystify the huge marketing campaign around Be Your True Self With Hormones And Surgery, the sooner people will be able to see with clear eyes and make healthy choices for their long-term wellbeing.
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the anorexia to trans pipeline is so robust because both are ways of managing personal suffering by controlling your body.
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Went back and talked to my hormone provider about it. She just didn't really feel like it was her job. Asked her if she followed WPATH standards of care. Enthusiastic nod. "Why didn't you have me do WPATH's mental health assessments?". "Well, they're more like guidelines".
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i object to advertising a REALLY SERIOUS SURGERY in this offhanded lighthearted "how do you do fellow kids" style way to an audience that includes a lot of teens (32% of tiktok users are ages 10-19).
Turns out my surgeon is on tiktok advertising her services (username: gendersurgeon). She loves talking about "yeeting the teets", which I guess is the, uh. professional term for double mastectomy these days?
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In the future Hallmark card section "for her (getting cancelled)"
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Here's her Tiktok, where she shows off her glamorous practice in Miami, posts duets with patients, and extolls the virtues of gender surgery.
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What will come next? How many people will hurt and regret ? Only 1%? More? I donβt know. But I hope that we can be ready to be that hand in the darkness for them if they need it. 11/11.
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periodic reminder that if you're like "WHY ARE YOU WRITING AND MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT YOUR DETRANS EXPERIENCES" the answer is 1. because i like to write 2. because i like to try to understand my experiences. sorry if it offends lol.
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I'm seeing more and more new detrans people speaking up, often full of pain and grief, but also with brilliant new insights and perspectives. Each story is heartbreaking and valuable. We truly are on the precipice of a huge wave.
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Okay, but what if it was a completely different situation than dying your hair, what then
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so tired of this. people who don't wear glasses have had a different pandemic π©
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We are going to get detransition care covered by insurance. Letβs go.
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And then when they couldnβt do it after the piece dropped they singled me out and lit me up in front of their half million followers! Thanks GLAAD!! So cool of you!.
Last year, CBS produced a 60 Minutes piece about detransition. GLAAD tried to kill the story.
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Detrans tiktok finally taking off I see β¦. Nice.
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It's okay if a kid transitions and regrets it. Their self-knowledge was valid at the time. The most important thing is to instantiate an unfalsifiable subjective theory of gender identity in them from a young age and let them know they will die if they arent instantly medicalized.
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Trans person: getting sex change surgery had major adverse affects on my life.People: but why did you not also embrace the creative discourses of gender, the complex trans joy of the journey, why donβt you acknowledge the agentic modalities you accessed.
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Does tavistock have good assessments? No. But do they have consistent therapeutic standards? No. But do they keep good records? No. But do they have reasonable wait times? No.
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Iβve had relationships that are way too intense. A stranger is suddenly on the phone with me, feral with regret and grief over her mastectomy. She begs me for some words that will make it better. I canβt. I only tell her it gets easier to bear. 2/?.
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Lessons I learned from transition and detransition (1/β). 1. Be suspicious of people offering to sell you easy steps to your own self-actualization.
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The final wedding look with my hand-knit Princess Shawl. Fifteen months from start to finish. Went through 3 pairs of size 1 needles (I knit too hard) and used thousands of yards of gossamer-weight merino wool. I love it. I'm never even looking at yarn this small again.
started from the bottom (of the shawl) now weβre here (shawl is finished)
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It's not transphobic or fostering a "culture of gentility" to frankly discuss the long term effects of HRT on the female body. Atrophic vaginitis caused by T is real and worth knowing about. I hate this take that talking about physical health problems is somehow bigoted
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I once thought of top surgery as a magical thing. Go in, be transformed. But it was actually brutal, gory, and left a haunting pain that I have yet to resolve.
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it's SO crazy to look at these old pictures of myself. I was so wretched and unhappy. really grateful to my family and my fiancΓ© and my best friends for pulling me through this dark night of the soul. I don't know where I would be without them.
My name is Grace and I detransitioned. On the left: me shortly after top surgery, 2017. This was the darkest time in my life. On the right: me recently. Life goes on, life gets better. #DetransAwarenessDay
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i wonder if i could write anything useful along the lines of "red flags you might regret transition" or if my insights are too particular to myself to be generalizable.
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Other times itβs a hand in the dark. Once I was alone in my grandmas house at 4am, contemplating my long life ahead as a mutilated pariah. A friend send me some art she did about her own mastectomy. It helped. A hand in the dark. I was no longer alone. 4/?.
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I rewatched my transition video diaries and was surprised at how robotic and brittle I seemed. I seem to be repeating cliches, telling a story about myself to myself, reciting it as if it needed reinforcement. I remember mostly feeling very anxious.
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She is not satisfied, but itβs something. Eventually we canβt talk anymore. Thereβs nothing we can offer each other but sad mirrors of each otherβs worst regret. 3/?.
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i will not be psyop'd into being insecure about "hip dips," literally can't believe how fast they are inventing new body dysmorphias.
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Any transition discussion in therapy should include honest reckoning with how dating options and fertility will be affected. This isn't a minor side issue, this is a huge, important part of peoples lives.
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get yourself an awkward girl. get yourself a woman who had learn conversation and socializing skills from a self-help book in her early 20s.
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