WATCH THIS SPACE as the kids say, cuz we're taking this show on the road!! We've got a cute little Kickstarter launching on Tuesday to get my solo show "Beth Wants The D" to Hollywood Fringe and Edinburgh Fringe in 2025! This is a big deal and I'm beyond excited!

New episode out now featuring @HeyBethMay! Jokes so good, your head will SPIN!

but seriously children, not only does using your phone at the movies show a complete disregard for everyone else at the theater, it also deprives you of the single best part about going to the movies: being in a big special room where you’re not allowed to use your fucking phone.

Wicked/audience thoughts

if you watch movies on 2x speed i’d personally consider another hobby because that’s clearly not yours and i’d like everyone to stop making excuses it is never okay to watch movies on 2x speed

America…it’s like watching the Fall of Rome. There is no other democracy, from Norway to New Zealand, which would elect as its leader a rapist, felon, liar, ignoramus, misogynist, vindictive bully and charlatan.

#HarrisWalz

Welcome back to Peachyville! 🍑 New episode: S3 Ep. 12 - Trout of the Past The team puts their heads together to find out what happened to the original Trudy Trout. https://t.co/qsPayxZLxV

IF YOU GET 🔟 BACK YOU GET FOUR YEARS OF GOOD CUMMIES! GET 0️⃣ BACK AND YOU HAVE TO STROKE IT AT FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING 🫵🫡

LET'S SPANK 👋 THE PATRIARCHY 👬🍑 AND HOPE TRUMP DROPS OUT LIKE A SLIPPERY LIMP DICK 🍝. VOTE FOR THOSE WHO CAN MAKE US MOAN 😩💦 LIKE NEVER BEFORE!! SEND THIS TO 🔟 FRIENDS DOING THEIR CIVIC BOOTY!

YOUR VOTE MATTERS LIKE A TIGHT ASS 🤭🍑 THAT NEEDS TO BE FILLED ⛲️♋️ WITH YOUR SEXY CHOICES 🙀🙌✨BECAUSE YOUR VOTE AT THE LOCAL LEVEL IS THE BIGGEST THRUST 😮🤰🏻INTO A MORE PROGRESSIVE FUTURE!!

wHOLE 🍩USA!!! THOUGH WE MAY CUM 😫 FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS AND BACKSHOTS 😛🍆💥WE CAN UNITE FOR A BETTER FUTURE WITH MORE CUMMIES!! 😋 YOU DIDN'T JUST FALL OUT OF A cocoNUT 🥥💦 TREE AFTER ALL!

MAYBE YOU'RE A rePUBElican 🙈 WHO'S DONE SUCKING DONALD'S HOG? 🤤 WIPE THAT PATHETIC CARROT JUICE JIZZ 🐍🍦 OFF YOUR MOUTH BC IT'S CUNTry 🌮 OVER PARTY, BB!! YOU'RE A VOTE SLUT 🥵 TODAY AND WE NEED TO PENETRATE 👉🏻👌🏻 THAT glASS 🍎 CEILING FOR THE FIRST WOMAN TO PRESIDE OVER THE

IF YOU CARE ABOUT WOMEN'S RIGHTS OR WOMEN'S WRONGS 😈😏 AND BELIEVE THAT MOTHER IS MOTHERING 💅🏻 AND WANT COACH 🏈 TO BE UR DADDY 😖👋🍑 THEN U BETTER FILL THE HOLE 👉🏻🥧 NEXT TO KAMALA & TIM AND STUFF 🧸 YOUR BALLOT IN DA BOX! 📦

IS THAT A VERY BIG DICK 📏🍆IN UR POCKET 👖or ARE U JUST TAKING A STAND🕴️👏 FOR DEMOCR-ASSY?? 🍑 November 5th - ‼️🚨  It's ERECTION DAY! 🥖🌭 IT'S BEEN A LONG HARD CUM-PAIN 🥵😫 BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PROVE THIS CUNTry 💪 ISN'T JUST FOR DAMP VIRGINS 💧🤷🏻‍♂️ AND FASCISTS!!

Hi everyone. I’ve written my first emojipasta for the election tomorrow. Please enjoy. I will post the text as a thread so that you may share it with your loved ones.

“Pro-life” would be 20 Sandy Hook students voting for the first time this election.

NO MORE SUBSIDIES FOR FOSSIL FUELS this is insane, this is like if we gave cigarette companies taxpayer dollars

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

Little dude making a call out video from the backseat of father’s car sitting in a booster seat as required for his height and weight I love it. Ahh youth.

I hate that I know who these kids are and I hate that I’m about to say something mean about a child but I hate that Baby Gronk’s tongue looks like he just slammed 57 Gushers and a Fruit Rollup.