BREAKING: Donald Trump’s doctors say that, if Congress publicly releases the Epstein files, the stress could give him a debilitating stroke.

When colleges go a little too far

BREAKING: Protesters are reportedly mailing dozens of trophies to the White House with Donald Trump’s name on them in the mold of variously sized mushroom shaped penises.

BREAKING: Another GOP member of Congress has been given divorce papers by his wife for being afraid to vote to release the Epstein Files until everyone else did.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly angry with his new ballroom architect because he says the blueprints don't include enough shelving to display all the trophies he has been given this year.

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BREAKING: Several local Republicans just had the epiphany that there aren't any trans people or drag queens in the Epstein Files.

BREAKING: The Earth's rotational spin reportedly slowed down by 1/8th of a second today because of how many billions of people around the world rolled their eyes when they heard FIFA would soon be awarding Donald Trump a made up "FIFA Peace Prize."

BREAKING: FBI agents say they approve of Kash Patel focusing so much of his attention on the transportation logistics of his girlfriend and her drunk friends because it's less attention he focuses on ruining their cases and tipping off their suspects.

The plan was clean. The escape? Not so much. Midway City doesn’t play fair. Wishlist this 4-player coop heist FPS on Steam today.

BREAKING: Marco Rubio reportedly hopes that Trump is just sleeping through his speech during the cabinet meeting, and not stroking out.

People keep playing the amber alert sirens when Trump is in the room.

BREAKING: White House staffers say that when Donald Trump falls asleep during cabinet meetings and press conferences, he “loses all sphincter control.”

BREAKING: Military officials are reportedly refusing to sit with Pete Hegseth during meals at the Pentagon.

BREAKING: Protesters are beginning to throw lumps of coal over the fencing of the White House because of what a bad president Trump has been this year.

BREAKING: Nebraska’s self-described “biggest MAGA fan” says that his support doesn’t waver despite his farm going bankrupt because of the tariffs, his undocumented immigrant fiancé getting deported by ICE, and his health insurance premiums rising 400% next month.

BREAKING: FBI agents reportedly keep switching Kash Patel's jackets with XXL ones before meetings and public events so he'll look extra small when wearing them.

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BREAKING: Vladimir Putin was asked by Russian reporters if he was afraid of any consequences for ignoring Donald Trump’s latest peace plan revisions that aren’t so one-sided against Ukraine, and Putin and the reporters laughed for 16 seconds.

BREAKING: A new poll found that 91% of Americans want Jack Smith to "accidentally" leave his briefcase full of dozens of copies of his report on Trump's J6 coup attempt in the CNN office lobby.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly asking around for advice on how to fire Pete Hegseth, Kash Patel, and Pam Bondi without it looking like he made big mistakes hiring them in the first place.

BREAKING: Trump is reportedly depressed because he's worried he'll be one of the "loser presidents" who die of natural causes in office.

How sad for Trump. https://t.co/Kf8hByNm46