The Halfway Post
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Dada news. Halfway true comedy and satire by @DashMacIntyre . I don't report the facts, I improve them.
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BREAKING: A televangelist in Arkansas claims Taylor Swift is "brainwashing an army of young women and girls into feminist freedom fighters to someday conquer the United States and enslave all the men and peg them."
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BREAKING: The gay dating app Grindr says if Florida doesn’t stop passing homophobic and transphobic laws, they’ll reveal every Republican legislator and party official who secretly uses the app.
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BREAKING: Putin, who once claimed Russia has no gays, is furious to find out that the Ukrainian military is tracking Russian troop movements by monitoring Grindr.
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BREAKING: Eric Trump just realized live on a Fox News interview segment that his mom was an immigrant and therefore his father's claim that immigrants are "poisoning the blood of the country" applies to him.
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BREAKING: A Florida judge has ruled that the Bible must be banned along with other books Ron DeSantis has banned because of how much murder, incest, rape, genocide, and violence is featured in the Old Testament.
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BREAKING: During a campaign event in Iowa today, Ron DeSantis looked visibly furious after his wife Casey accidentally admitted that their daughter watches Disney's "Frozen" every single day.
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BREAKING: When a judge today asked Donald Trump if his claim that Mike Pence had the right to refuse to certify Biden's victory also means that Kamala Harris has the right to refuse certifying the election if he wins in 2024, Trump froze for 7 seconds before saying “No.”
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BREAKING NEWS: The Oath Keepers are reportedly upset that Donald Trump isn't paying their legal fees like he promised he would before January 6th.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is telling all his supporters to boycott the midterm elections because of how the DOJ is treating him so unfairly.
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BREAKING: GOP state senator Dusty Hawckert of South Dakota reportedly got shot in the foot this morning by his 6-year-old son who was playing with the AR-15 Hawckert got him for Christmas to "own the libs."
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BREAKING: Taylor Swift says that, starting now, every time a Republican member of Congress insults her, she’s going to get 100 young, female voters registered to vote at her concerts.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump just told the DOJ he's going to make his supporters boycott all elections until they drop every investigation into his bank fraud, election fraud, espionage, and coup attempt.
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BREAKING: A MAGA country singer who claimed his music is written “to raise awareness about all the children whose blood is drank by Democrats” just got arrested for possessing child pornography.
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A "misunderstanding"
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is threatening Evangelicals that, if they vote for Ron DeSantis in the primary over him, he’ll “maybe have to reveal some damaging secrets about Brett Kavanaugh” that would get him impeached off the court.
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BREAKING: A group of 20 MAGA fans have begun a hunger strike they vow will last until they die or Letitia James drops all her charges against Trump's business fraud.
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BREAKING: Kevin McCarthy just said on a hot mic that Donald Trump made him do some "Sodom and Gomorrah" stuff at Mar-a-Lago to earn Trump's endorsement.
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BREAKING: A Fox News executive producer accidentally said on a hot mic that disrespecting their viewers’ intelligence was the most profitable business decision they ever made.
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BREAKING: A Florida televangelist who runs monthly mud wrestling competitions for straight Christian men claims Dr. Fauci snuck a "gay love potion" into his COVID vaccine, and that's why he's been propositioning other men for gas station bathroom liaisons for the last two years.
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BREAKING NEWS: The gay social app Grindr says it's going to win the war on Christmas this year by revealing each day until the 25th one Republican Congressman who uses it, and on Christmas morning Grindr will reveal its biggest GOP fan in the senate!
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BREAKING: Kari Lake just accidentally admitted on a hot mic that she was only still going through with the rigged election accusations in Arizona to impress Trump and be picked for his vice president.
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BREAKING: A group of MAGA fans in rural Georgia have begun a hunger strike they say will last until they die or Jack Smith drops all charges and apologizes to Donald Trump for the presidential harassment.
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BREAKING: One of the dozens of RNC officials just fired by Donald Trump's daughter-in-law says he never thought the Trump family would betray his years of loyalty.
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Spoiler: he got COVID
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is threatening the DOJ that he'll direct all his supporters to boycott elections for the rest of their lives if his Bedminster golf club gets searched.
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BREAKING: A “Blacks for Trump” group in Idaho just changed its name to “Whites for Trump” after the group’s founder admitted they hadn’t attracted a single Black member in its nearly 8 years of trying.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump's latest lawyer who quit says all of Trump's ideas for his legal defense involve witness intimidation, obstruction of justice, and bribery.
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Ivanka Trump says her First Amendment rights are being violated by several Florida country clubs that won’t let her and Jared join.
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Kevin McCarthy: "Look, if we punished Donald Trump for all his crimes, we'd have to punish half the Republicans in Congress too for knowing about them and doing nothing."
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BREAKING: Donald Trump says Georgia Republicans should boycott all future elections if the state indicts him for election fraud.
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BREAKING: The Proud Boys currently on trial for January 6th say they can't believe Donald Trump would back out of his promises to pay their legal fees.
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BREAKING: A group of 35 MAGA fans in Idaho are on a hunger strike, and say they will not eat again until every corporation in America renounces homosexuality.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump says he hopes the DOJ will think about his son Barron because, if he goes to jail, Barron will lose the father who is so close and dedicated to him.
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BREAKING: New York officials say when they take ownership of Trump Tower to pay off the $370 million he’s about to owe, they’ll evict all the Russian and Chinese tenants and start housing migrants that red state governors keep bussing to NY.
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BREAKING: A hospital in the most MAGA town in America just bought 20 iron lungs because of an outbreak of polio after the mayor declared all vaccines were a "socialist brainwashing plot to inject people with Satan's semen."
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BREAKING: There is reportedly a huge rift in the Trump family following Jared Kushner’s refusal to help his father-in-law pay the bond to his massive $464 million fine, and Ivanka is not answering her father’s calls.
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BREAKING: A local Evangelical pastor who was caught sexting men on Grindr claims the COVID vaccine turned him gay.
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BREAKING: Jack Smith just announced that the window for all of Donald Trump's co-conspirators to turn state's witness in exchange for more lenient sentencing has closed, and every co-conspirator who did not assist in the investigation should not make any summer vacation plans.
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BREAKING: 26 seconds after Donald Trump told a Newsmax host that “no president ever did more for Christmas” than him, he was asked what he got his son Barron, and he said “One of my people mailed him a big, beautiful card I think.”
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BREAKING: A Republican representative accidentally shot his wife in the foot while taking their annual Christmas card family photo where they all pose with AR-15s and pistols.
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BREAKING: Lauren Boebert claims she was only tweeting Nancy Pelosi’s January 6th movements so that the rioters would know to stay away from where Pelosi was going.
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BREAKING: A televangelist in Oklahoma says if Donald Trump loses Mar-a-Lago and Trump Tower it'll be obvious God doesn’t exist so nothing matters and he “might as well quit church and start being gay.”
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BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump just claimed the US generals have been calling him to say, “Sir, we wish you were still around to tell Russia to call off the war because no one can intimidate Putin like you!”
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BREAKING: A newly elected Republican representative accidentally shot his wife in the foot while trying to take a Christmas card photo of his family showing off his love for the Second Amendment.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump just interrupted a brunch at Mar-a-Lago for 45 minutes to complain about how top GOP donors are now giving their money to Ron DeSantis instead of him.
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Everyone is just assuming he's gay...
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BREAKING: A homophobic GOP House candidate says his profile on the gay dating app Grindr is a hoax, and that he's willing to have a doctor check his "anal hymen" to prove it.
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BREAKING: Mar-a-Lago employees say over 20,000 diapers have been mailed to Trump’s resort since
#TrumpSmells
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BREAKING: Vivek Ramaswamy says he couldn’t believe how many GOP primary voters were opposed to him merely because of his name, ethnicity, skin color, and religion.
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BREAKING: Guests at the Mar-a-Lago Christmas Party say Donald Trump is giving off real “Jim Jones” vibes tonight.
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BREAKING NEWS: Kayleigh McEnany just accepted a job offer to be the press secretary for North Korea’s Human Rights Committee.
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BREAKING: A homophobic GOP state senator who annually sponsors a bill that would ban gay dating apps like Grindr just accidentally shared his Grindr account on his official Twitter account, and he now claims the account was only for "research."
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BREAKING: Another Republican state official has accidentally shot his wife in the foot while taking their annual Christmas card family photo where they all pose with guns.
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Democrats need to remind voters EVERY day that the GOP wants to end democracy, kill pregnant women, marry off little girls, burn books, emulate Putin, allow daily mass shootings, and ban the word “gay.”
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BREAKING: Donald Trump says he wants MAGA fans to write in his name on ballots for all the Senate races to remind Republicans that the GOP is his party.
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This televangelist says too many women are stealing men's virginities.
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The Jan 6th hearings will be just like the impeachments, in which everyone who testifies under oath will say they saw shady, illegal shit happening, but everyone who claims it was all legal (McCarthy, Jordan, Rudy, et al.) will refuse to cooperate or say so under oath.
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EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump interrupted a birthday party last night at Mar-a-Lago to complain about Mitch McConnell not "bending the knee," and he told everyone to skip voting for senators this election so that McConnell doesn't get to be the Majority Leader.
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I'm okay with using our tax dollars to bail out Texans with no power under the condition that we exclude Dan Crenshaw's house so he can experience what winter would be like without socialism.
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BREAKING: 6 local conservatives in South Carolina have accidentally shot themselves in gun accidents while attempting to shoot down the Chinese balloon.
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BREAKING NEWS: Ted Cruz Is Desperate For A New GOP Leader To Call His Wife Ugly
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BREAKING: Disney says that because Ron DeSantis got married at Disney World, they can annul his marriage.
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BREAKING: An unknown source has reportedly sent a Rudy Giuliani sex tape to all the major news outlets.
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Yeah... that's what caused COVID...
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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly just asked his lawyers whether, hypothetically speaking, presidential immunity would protect someone for selling nuclear secrets to Saudi Arabia in exchange for, again purely hypothetically, hosting a LIV golf championship at one of his resorts.
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BREAKING NEWS: Merrick Garland says that, since Donald Trump has called for terminating the Constitution, he has voluntarily waived his 5th Amendment rights.
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Jim Jordan Claims Donald Trump Ran A Mile In Under 6 Minutes Last Weekend
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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly spent all day at the Mar-a-Lago buffet repeatedly yelling, “If I go down, I’m taking you with me!” at people on the phone.
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I'd like to visit Ukraine someday and see a statue of the Ukrainian woman who told a Russian soldier to pocket some sunflower seeds so when his occupation got him killed at least a sunflower would grow.
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Tomi Lahren has reportedly been struggling for days, but just can’t make the mathematical logic work on proving how the Capitol insurrection was Colin Kaepernick’s fault.
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I’m very sorry the rest of the world is not reacting with greater speed and commitment to Ukraine. The way Ukrainians are galvanizing makes me feel Ukrainian. We are a democracy. We vote for our leaders. Vladimir Putin does not get a veto on the people’s will...
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BREAKING NEWS: QAnon just announced that March 15 will be the new “Ides of March” in which Trump will arrest Biden and Harris, and start his second term, for REAL this time.
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BREAKING: Tucker Carlson vows that if the Chiefs win the Super Bowl and validate the attention Taylor Swift is getting for going to their games, "I'm going to kill myself."
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BREAKING: Donald Trump interrupted a wedding ceremony at Mar-a-Lago last night and ranted for 26 minutes about how
#TrumpSmells
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BREAKING: Guests at Mar-a-Lago say Donald Trump has been giving off “Jim Jones vibes" for the last week.
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Like half the country...
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious that all his new lawyers are demanding up-front payments in cash. "Why do they not trust me?" he reportedly asked his top advisers.
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BREAKING: Rudy Giuliani says if Donald Trump doesn't pay him the money he's owed, he "may have some information Jack Smith would find very interesting."
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Father of the year
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BREAKING: New poll finds that when a politician is caught in a lie, sex scandal or felony, 88% of Americans assume they’re a Republican.
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He's throwing excuses against the wall and seeing what sticks.
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The world owes a debt to the people of Ukraine for keeping the world a little more free at least a little longer, and I hope the Ukrainian people's idealistic sacrifices small and large triumph over Putin's little boy delusions of grandeur.
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A new species of howler monkey fond of urine has been named after President Donald Trump.
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because he’s throwing a military pity party in the middle of a mid-dictatorship crisis. He's lost his mind to think a modern human being should start a war. The invasion is invented, and the spirit of humanity knows it. Much love for Ukraine's bravery. Liberty is worth dying for.
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Jesus: "When did I say you didn't have to be Jewish?!"
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BREAKING: The CEOs of several porn sites all agreed during a public forum that their most perverted customers "by far" are in rural counties of Bible Belt states with supermajority Republican legislatures and MAGA governors.
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BREAKING: Donald J Trump is threatening the DOJ that he'll direct all his supporters to boycott elections for the rest of their lives if he gets indicted for his bank fraud, election fraud, or his theft of classified documents.
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BREAKING: Florida Republicans want to ban “feminine products” from regular stores so Christians don’t have to see them, and have proposed creating a DMV-like government building where women must get a ticket and wait hours in order to buy tampons, pads, or Vagisil.
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Donald Trump is reportedly furious that Betty White keeps trending on Twitter instead of him.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly feuding against Jared Kushner for not giving him some of the Saudi money that Jared got, and Trump has even banned Jared and Ivanka from Mar-a-Lago.
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BREAKING: A group of MAGA fans in Idaho just started a hunger strike they vow to continue until Joe Biden pardons Donald Trump.
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Jim Jordan Claims Donald Trump Ran A Mile In Under 6 Minutes Last Weekend
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BREAKING: A group of 16 MAGA fans in Idaho announced they're starting a hunger strike they vow will last until Joe Biden fires Kamala Harris, appoints Donald Trump as his new vice president, and then resigns.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump was reportedly just notified by his accountants that Melania has been removing him as an authorized user from all of her credit cards.
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