Geoff Norcott
@GeoffNorcott
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2025 TOUR Datesđ https://t.co/TcMZ4yY0TD INSTA https://t.co/MDM7rzSaSS BUY my BOOK https://t.co/oo7jHuK60z
Joined May 2010
My TOUR has 60 dates this Autumn / Spring . So itâs statistically impossible I wonât be *somewhere* near YOU. Click link > scroll âtil you find it > buy tickets .
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This guy looks like a photo-shop of about five different people.
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Anyone thinking King Charles behaviour was unacceptable. God forbid you ever see footage of my Dad trying to fix something while I was standing in âhis lightâ.
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BREAKING. More European countries suspend Astra Zeneca after 2 patients subsequently trampled by cattle.
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Only six friends, table service & finished by 10pm. Thatâs not fighting a pandemic. Those are criteria for a middle-aged night out.
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Fuck it, Iâm going 100% takeaway . 1. Supermarkets have earned enough .2. Local businesses need support.3. Iâve always wanted to live like this.
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Thatcher took away free milk in 1971. People were still shouting âmilk snatcherâ at her funeral 42 years later. Though luckily for Labour hardly anything rhymes with âwinter fuel allowanceâ.
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'I'm a Celebrity' really loses it's USP when the contestants have more liberty than 99% of the country.
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Imagine a stag-do organised by Dominic Cummings. âRight lads, what goes on tourâŚwill be ruthlessly chronicled and drip-fed to news outlets.â.
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This may be an excessively British take. But, if you *have* to take a phone call on the train, it should be conducted as quietly as possible and with the appropriate level of shame.
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This is now the most liked tweet I've ever done. All those years wasted years wanging on about politics. .
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How the fuck is there civil war in a party which only has five MPs?.
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BREAKING. Nicola Sturgeon working on how to say 'One Metre Plus' using slightly different words.
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In answer to many imminent questions about access to testing. BECAUSE HE'S THE FUCKING PRIME-MINISTER.
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This photo is screaming âWhy I quit Duran Duran to set up a recruitment agency.â
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Itâs time to put Kemi Badenoch in front of a select committee and find out what other stuff she hasnât watched. Star Wars? Goodfellas? Elf???.The public has a right to know.
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This may be toxic masculinity. But if Iâd had a fight where my necklace got broken Iâd take that shit to the grave.
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So if it wasn't Russia THEN WHO DID THIS?.We might have to consider the unthinkable: a majority of British people wished to leave the EU.
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To the people trying to contact me for comment, I'm always going to defend a comedian's right to take the piss.
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A Marriage tale in four beats. Wife buys a can of San Pellegrino and puts it in the fridge. Six whole months pass where the drink remains undrunk. One morning the husband is hung-over so drinks it. Wife says, 'I was looking forward to that.'.
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Be honest. In the 'Who will go a bit Hunger Games?' sweepstake, no-one had Canada.
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George Orwell must be insufferable in the after-life. Smugly ticking off his bets like some prick with an accumulator.
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A lot of Tory MPs said they'd wait for the local elections, police & Sue Grey enquiry. Well lads, they're all in and it ain't gone great.
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That desk no-one wanted when they cleared out your Nanâs house.
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In line with their wishes, I have zero interest in Meghan & Harryâs professional pregnancy photo.
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He looks like a league 1 manager getting an escort after losing at home to a league 2 side in the Papa Johns.
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Next time you hit a colleague at work, just do a speech where you cry and thank some people.
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I suspect the next time Matt Hancock cries on telly itâll be genuine.
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Joe Biden is #NotMyPresident .Nor was Donald Trump. Or Obama. In many ways, the US is a completely separate country.
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Look. If it helps, Iâll go on next week and pretend to be left-wing.
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Telling Brits not to stock-pile is like advising a stag-do to âpace themselvesâ.
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âEat out to Help outâ proved we love a bargain more than we fear a pandemic.
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My passport photo looks like it should be captioned: âHe was eventually apprehended living on the Costa Brava.â
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'Football Factory: 20 years on' . We catch up with the main characters as middle-class comfort starts to drag and they once again yearn for Millwall away.
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Yet another right-wing politician played by a left-wing actor. Pls only give roles to people from đ the đ Conservative đ community.
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Trump just pardoned the special effects team on Cats.
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Iâm trying to be more chilled, but this kind of thing makes me want to frack my own garden.
Activists with @JustStop_Oil have thrown tomato soup on Van Goghâs Sunflowers at the national Gallery and glued themselves to the wall.
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Has anyone heard from a Lib Dem?.Are they on furlough?.
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Singers in cars crushing their fans self esteem. I hereby claim this format.
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If I could go back in time I'd assassinate Guy Fawkes on behalf of all dogs.
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Sometimes every performer has to go on stage when theyâre really struggling . But to have the bravery to do it on this scale, and then for the people to catch you is something else.
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Just saw a trigger warning before .101 Dalmations saying .âCONTAINS TOBACCO DEPICTIONSâ. It also contains a woman trying to murder puppies, but sure smoking.
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JD Vance should be invited on the state visit. I can think of loads of British squaddies whoâd absolutely love to meet the guy.
Bad news for Starmer and Macron. Vance confirms the only US security guarantee in Ukraine will be the mineral deal. He also plays down British & French peacekeeping troops as â20k troops from some random country that hasnât fought a war in 30 or 40 yearsâ.
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On a serious note about Southgate - whatever your view on kneeling - he's asserted a bold view of modern patriotism. More than any politician left or right has done for a long time.
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Controversial take.If the weatherâs decent, Easter is better than Xmas. - Same amount of days off â
.- Nice roast (lamb > turkey) â
.- Chocolate breakfast â
.- Less shit to do generally â
.
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Iâve launched a private action against Peter Mandelson & the lead singer from D:ream. They knew full well things couldnât âonly get betterâ. #Liars.
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Fair play to Starmer, skilfully avoiding the trap of anyone knowing what the fuck he stands for.
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I wouldnât vote Conservative again while Boris Johnson is still in charge. Nor for any other party on current form. But definitely not for them while theyâve still got him.
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Happy St Georgeâs Day. Well done to all the Twitter pedants who point out he was Turkish ahead of the fact dragons arenât real.
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Iâve found a loophole. Opening a nightclub called âG7â.
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Closest Iâve been to protesting the offices of a media organisation.
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Maybe XR could have a working class consultant, who could say things like.âCanning Town???.Are you fucking mental?â.
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Twitter needs to have an automatic pop-up saying:.'Are you *sure* you want to compare this to Nazi Germany?'.
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@KopparbergUK @deplorabristol Ok, well @KopparbergUK is no longer a drink for me. Thatâs how knee-jerk bullshit works right?.
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BREAKING. EU still âtoo delicateâ to check DMs after drunken Friday outburst.
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He looks a steward in the away end at a non-league club.
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Imagine doing a 10 stretch for breaking travel quarantine. Not sure an illegal mini-break in Portugal would get much respect on D wing.
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Itâs hard to justify not shipping vaccines on Sundays in a pandemic. Particularly in a world where people can get same-day delivery of a toaster.
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CRAZY JEREMYâS CLOSING DOWN SALE.
NEW: Labour vows to slash rail fares by a third from January if Jeremy Corbyn wins election.
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Future Guardian columns. May: WHY ARE WE STILL IN LOCKDOWN?. June: WE CAME OUT OF LOCKDOWN TOO FAST. July: GUARDIAN BACKS GRETA'S CALL FOR ANNUAL LOCKDOWN. Sept: NO-DEAL MORE DEADLY THAN CORONA. Dec: BORIS 'HELLBENT' ON NO-DEAL. Jan: NO DEAL WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN THIS DEAL.
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Could Twitter take this down immediately?.It re-enforces harmful racial stereotypes about white men & rhythm.
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Thanks to the men & women whoâve reached out to share their stories around male suicide. Itâs been a sobering experience, but Iâm even more determined to do something constructive in this area. To the charities whoâve reached out, Iâll be in touch very soon.
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Why are all Covid guilt-trips about killing Nanna?.Why does no-one give a fuck about Grandpa?.#EverydaySexism.
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Things that are better opposition than Labour. Marcus Rashford.Ant & Dec.The Conservative Party.
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Do people still think we should call ex Prime Minister's back to run the country?. Or have we realised this is real life and not Avengers Assemble?.
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BREAKING . In a further attempt to calm the markets, Jeremy Hunt will manacle the PM and parade her around College Green chanting âShame, shame, shameâ.
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Another issue with âSussex Royalsâ is it sounds like cheap menthol cigarettes.
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An acceptance speech for a Twitter poll is like thinking Monopoly counts towards your credit rating.
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Never thought weâd top âSue youâre shouting at teaâ. Now we have âBut thatâs cooking oilâ.
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All Mark Drakeford asks is that children open presents in the garden, blindfolded and alone.
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When you realise the clothes, glasses and tickets can be put through the company.
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Just went to a soft-play area in the Home Counties. This shit would blow Jon Snow's tiny mind.
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Are still allowed to attend political demonstrations?.I might become a left-wing activist just to get out of the house.
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Why does Liz Truss look like Sheridan Smith in a biopic about Peggy Mitchellâs early life?
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Whatever happens tonight, Ed Davey will be on a massive comedown. The fella's basically spent six weeks on the set of Total Wipeout.
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He looks like the CFO of a budget airline giving out a âstewardess of the year awardâ.
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If you re-made Back to the Future now itâd be someone going back about eight years to delete their Twitter account.
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The people sharing Truss's comments about British workers lack of graft seem to have no idea how widely that opinion is held.
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Trying to defund a news channel which hasnât broadcast anything yet. Cancel culture meets âMinority Reportâ.
If you want to help stop âFox News styleâ TV in Britain:. *Tweet your mobile phone company using the hashtag #DontFundGBNews.*Urge them not to advertise with GB News or any "Fox News style" channel, & explain why this matters to you:.
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In the spirit of balance I have upgraded my Spotify account to Premium.
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Aerosmith have done less tour dates than her Covid symptoms.
MP Margaret Ferrier attended church 24 hours after developing Covid symptoms.
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Following the last hour, maybe this bloke should handle the next briefing
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Will Keir Starmer ever admit there's no version of Brexit he'd vote for?.He's like a reluctant husband going through the motions on Location, Location, Location.
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Unless it was an air-strike. In which case Richard Burgon would ballot the members.
Rebecca Long-Bailey vows to back all strikes âno questions askedâ as Labour leader.
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Itâs like a two week preview of Communism.
Non-essential items being covered up in supermarkets in Wales. Has it really come to this?
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The Guardianâs review of Super Mario is something else. Finally someone brave enough to call out the child audience.
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And today many Brits cooked Roast dinners in honour of Kamala Harris.
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Citing karma as a reason you hope Trump dies suggests you should do further research on karma.
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A warning. Donât watch the Matt Hancock video. Itâs too late for me, but there might still be time for you. #HeNuzzles.
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Not a fan of this new annual tradition at the Fringe. Why canât the people whose values it doesnât âalign withâ just not go on that particular night.
Our Comedy Unleashed gig at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe has been CANCELLED by our venue following online pressure. It is astonishing that a comedy night at the largest arts festival in the world should be prevented from going ahead, simply because activists are offended. The
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I'm a bit embarrassed by our obsession with American politics. Has any American ever set their alarm to hear the returning officer from Bury North?.
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âPyhthonesqueâ gets over-used. But they break his sign and then declare âHeâs got a weapon!â.Itâs like a trailer for the live action version of Twitter.
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