Thanks to the government's decision to tell larger shops they are forbidden from trading for as long as they would like on this particular day of the week, my dinner tonight will be more limited and more expensive than it need be.
I'm going to make my predictions early -
Dec 12 - General Election
Dec 13 - Hung parliament with no Brexit majority
Dec 14 - Mike Bushell wins Strictly
Dec 15 - Military coup
Dec 16 - Democracy abolished
Dec 17 - Brexit by military decree
Dec 18 - War with Spain
When I was Chancellor, I saw a preview of what Boris 2.0 would look like. He was contrite & honest about his mistakes. He’d learned from those mistakes how he could run No10 & the country better.
With a unified team behind him, he is the one to lead us to victory & prosperity 2/2
I think the govt should introduce No Deal Brexit Bonds for leave voters. If it all turns out ok the bonds pay interest & capital is returned. However, if it all goes tits up, the bond owners' capital is used to fill the hole in the public finances.
Coming soon to BBC4 - Röry
Röry Stewart investigates a mysterious disappearance from the House of Commons where the Honourable Member for Sheffield Hallam hasn't been seen for months.
"well Boris, 4 straight losses, a really poor performance from Rees-Mogg and you've sidelined some key players, how much longer do you think you've got"
Boris - The deal brings shame upon our nation's collective head, it demeans, disgraces & debases a once proud people & even if the sun were to rise in the west tomorrow there is no earthly way I would back it
Me - There's a leadership contest if you do
Boris - ON THE OTHER HAND
Telegraph - We're fine not knowing how many kids Boris has fathered
Also Telegraph - OMG RORY WHY WON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT YOUR SECRET JOB WORKING FOR THE SECRET SERVICE WHY KEEP IT SECRET RORY?
I've been leaked Corbyn's conditions to meet with the PM
(1) 5 mile Chuka exclusion zone
(2) Cabinet to give rendition of "Oh Jeremy Corbyn" as he enters the room
(3) Nobody mentions the words "Peoples Vote"
(4) Comfy chair for Seumas
(5) Unlimited falafel buffet
'so tis agreed, if Mistress Berger do renounce her heathen ways and pledge herself to the one true Lord, we can avoid much unpleasantness with ye deselection stool'
'our plan is to put food on the spoon and attempt to get the child to eat it'
'and if that doesn't work, what's your Plan B'
'exactly the same but with the aeroplane noise'
BBC4 are delighted to announce a one off special episode of Röry.
24 hours before polls close & Sir John Curtice is missing. Has he been kidnapped by rival broadcasters? Is he locked in a fridge? Only one man can find him in time for election night.
I'd just like to take this opportunity to reiterate how much of a disgrace it is that Kylie only has a "legends" slot at
#Glastonbury
and not a full 2 hour Sat night headline set.
This would never have happened under a
@RoryStewartUK
premiership.