Wake up after 7am at your parent’s house and be prepared for a full-throated, “Nice of you to join us!” from someone who claims to have already been up for 5 hours.

Their first order of business - Get Cedric out of that Neighborhood.

One Haitian guy said “I’ve got that dog in me” and this idiot took it literally.

If Trump & Vance pivot to the campaign slogan “Sofa So Good” they may just be able to save this thing.

Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins Drew McIntyre, smiling politely

Just installed a new dishwasher by myself because I’m a MAN. A MAN who shocked himself twice then yelled “what the fuck is your problem?!” through tears at an inanimate appliance while laying on the cold, damp kitchen tile. #men #manlyshit #bigbollocks

NYC rn

If I’m Super Mario, I’m starting to think she’s not that into me.

This week on @LastFirstDayPod, I was DELIGHTED to host @kev_egan and learn a little about his humble beginnings. Check out the latest episode now wherever you get your podcasts! https://t.co/pxItguW7sH #backtoschool #wwe #mls #bono @BeckyLynchWWE @MickJagger #rugby #ireland

NEW EPISODE - LOUIS CATO @colbertlateshow band leader and Albemarle, North Carolina’s own @realLouisCato joins me this week for a trip back to school! Check out Louis’ new single ‘Reflections’ NOW & the full episode below! https://t.co/G9ozJhlK8P #lateshow #backtoschool

This pops into my head at least once a week.

This podcast is not sponsored by @littlecaesars (but it probably should be). Check out this week’s episode with @wisalallen now and learn how we were doing school lunch wrong. Spotify - https://t.co/3FmgzXInKR @fullofgleeson #podcast #schoollunch #gamer #twitch #pizza #lunch

this was such a fun podcast to do!!

NEW EPISODE - LISA WALLEN New @LastFirstDayPod with the great @wisalallen now streaming wherever you pod. We talk Zelda, being bad, and thirsty teachers. Don’t miss it Spotify - https://t.co/GBj7Z3yjlL #zelda #BackToSchool #podcast #gamer #twitch #standupcomedy

WE’RE LIVE WITH EP 9!! What better way to celebrate #indy500 week than with the voice of US #motorsport , @leighdiffey ! Listen now: https://t.co/3BXpcK7KOm #formula1 #f1 @indycar #motogp #superbikes #motorcycle #motocross #nascar #indycar #rallycar @LastFirstDayPod

AMPTP, make it stop. A lot of writers are wearing out their GOOD orthopedic shoes.

A million thanks to writer & WGA Strike Captain, @anticapitalizm , for this important conversation. Check out an otherwise hilarious episode of @LastFirstDayPod where you pod. Spotify - https://t.co/TK7fnM59dW #WGAstrike #WGAStrong #WGASolidarity

WRITERS STRIKE SPECIAL - LIZ HYNES An important episode of @LastFirstDayPod launched this week with Emmy-winning writer for @LastWeekTonight , and @WGAEast strike captain,@anticapitalizm ! Spotify - https://t.co/fuZKl6BSXK #wgastrong #WritersGuildStrike #WritersStrike2023

Mum: “I’m taking this stuff to the charity shop. You never wear it.” Me for the next week:

A word of advice to the network executives unwilling to budge during the #writersstrike . Maybe don’t send regular company-wide emails touting “our” record profits year after year. You give staff members this weird idea that we should see a fraction of that.

When I was bartending, a woman tried this, slipping her Guinness glass into her bag. As she casually fled the scene, waving bye as if we were adoring fans, her bag struck a table and glass shards filled her Louis Vuitton. I quickly became an adoring fan after that.