Matt Fernandez
@FattMernandez
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Comedian/writer - New special, Clownfish out on Youtube now! - Wrote for Playboy & College Humor - Tweets featured on Ellen & Kimmel - IG: @mattfernandezworld
St Petersburg, FL
Joined March 2010
Freedom of speech isn't freedom from repercussions. That's why everyone who works retail doesn't tell you to go fuck yourself.
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I'd describe this as 'please daddy, not the stick!' speed. https://t.co/sbIa9Rh0Do
𝗧𝗥𝗘𝗡𝗗𝗜𝗡𝗚: Adrian Peterson's 13-year-old son, Adrian Peterson Jr., has gone viral for his insane highlight mixtape. Some of the fastest running you'll ever see for a kid his age. Jr. is in the class of 2030 and already a STAR. 🤯🤯🤯
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Nintendo will only make family friendly games, but put out these fuzzy foot pussies. https://t.co/rVUaAD2L7Z
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This shouldn’t even be a hot take. No sane person is choosing turkey over ham because it tastes better. Turkey just got cast as the face of Thanksgiving so we all sit there chewing through dry bird like it’s a tradition instead of an obligation
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Im dressing up as the Government Shut Down for Halloween. I'm telling kids I don't have any candy. Meanwhile, my front door and windows are open so they see me eating full-sized Butterfingers.
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[Mike Evans so concussed he floats to the sideline like a cartoon mouse that smells cheese] Troy Aikman: "Tough to say what's wrong with him."
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DC’s Absolute Fork
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Every wall of the maze that's on the back of the kid's menu. https://t.co/8dmDHlw40z
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Not sure if this courtroom sketch is Diddy crying, or sniffing his lawyer's chair.
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Tyreek Hill's wife knowing he's gonna be home for a while after the injury.
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Everyone talking about how they've been radicalized this week. Bitch, these dudes radicalized me when I was 6. Been radical ever since.
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Man, if you thought Charlie Kirk was pro-life before...
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This motherfucker left behind a series of clues in his tweets like a Knives Out movie. https://t.co/g54o5QmBh8
Did I just get shot by an AR-15? Feels like it.
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Go watch and Like my new special. I'm a Bucs fan, so don't take it personally Cowboys fans. https://t.co/28wHkp1TM5
My new special Clownfish is out today! Go watch it! Like it! Share it! Have fun with it! No wrong answers! https://t.co/JhADbe6Qgb
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Jerry Jones when Micah Parsons asked to be the highest paid defender.
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White women in Starbucks pouring Pumpkin Lattes on eachother like they just won't a championship. https://t.co/wOs4YHwgCG
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It took hours of negotiation, but finally Hitler agreed to shoot himself in the face. https://t.co/UXb0UVFyFG
JD Vance: If you go back to WW2 or every major conflict in human history, they all ended with some kind of negotiation.
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Not sure why Cracker Barrel got rid of the cracker & barrel from their logo. More restaurants should have what they're known for on their logos. Denny's logo could be a guy trying to sober up. Waffle House's logo should just be a boxing ring.
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Guys taking their sex dolls to get an abortion. https://t.co/VTquN0j38j
Chinese scientists are developing world’s first pregnancy robot that could give birth to human children.
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Vince McMahon looks like a mortician who does stuff to the bodies.
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