Call them TERFs or assholes or whatever you want. Fuck 'em.

Refer to death threats made to retail employees by domestic terrorists as "controversy." We don't want to upset the strange man in the red hat writing everyone's license plate numbers down.

It's still just "HBO." Come on.

When profiling the latest fascist du jour politician, imagine that you're giving just the best blowjob ever. Like you're really going to town down there.

Always fact check the hypothetical existence of blood emerald mines. You don't want to get Community Notes from those people.

Commas and periods go within quotation marks. Example: “We are deleting accounts that have not logged in for 30 days,” he said. Later, he said, “Enough people hollered at me online so that we are deleting accounts that have not logged in for 30 years.”.

Always use passive voice when repeating police department claims like a good little sub.

Mistakes in articles written by your summer intern/lead VC investor's idiot nephew Sandy can now be blamed upon "AI experimentation.".

Baker's dozen - Outdated. From now on, to describe a 13 count of something, please use the current term, a "Santos.".

Bucking up and doing your damn job is always in style.

We advise any heavily concussed editors to take medical leave.

It's "Write MORE Good," jackass.

RT @FakeAPStylebook: If you get thirsty, make sure you're drinking from the right water fountain. #RNC.

RT @FakeAPStylebook: In all political stories from now on, be sure to note whether or not the trains run on time.

RT @FakeAPStylebook: It's never too early for your political columnists to start speculating on the 2020 King of Hobomerica death-fight pri….

RT @FakeAPStylebook: How about you just call it fucking fascism on first reference for once in your goddamn life.

RT @FakeAPStylebook: Don't be murdered.

RT @FakeAPStylebook: Don't forget your local elections this year, as whoever wins the mayoral race will most certainly run Bartertown.

RT @FakeAPStylebook: The past tense of "Netflix" is "Netflucked.".