Pastrami Mommy
@Ewelannawhite
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a half-sour pickle | *ctor, vo artist and comedy writer | contributor @realpunknews @harddrivemag @bwaybeatnews
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Joined July 2010
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Pinned Tweet
there’s a big difference between a couch nap and a bed nap. a couch nap is where you take a subtle little jaunt through your subconscious. a bed nap is where you succumb to the darkness much like an old sign getting engulfed by the bark of a tree
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got home last night to my sweet, thoughtful boyfriend surprising me with a fresh batch of brownies. ate a few then left them in the kitchen for an hour and came back to this
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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“oy, mista! you me espresso?”
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we are the daughters of the bajas you couldn’t blast
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he didn’t like trouble
and i was fucking hebben een serieus probleem
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every hot person has a sandwich they ate 3 years ago that they think about at least once a week
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i personally think it’s high time that elijah wood and daniel radcliffe play brothers who are also weird little guys
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you should be able to call off work for having teeth falling out dreams the night before
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men with j names
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finally figured out who timmy as bob dylan reminded me of
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i don’t need a weighted blanket i need to be baked into a pie
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didn’t expect to be victimized the moment i got home but ok…..
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sorry i can’t come the sun’s coming in through the living room window just so
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i now know how the early archaeologists must have felt….
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P*ssy from a girl who’s never ready to order when the server comes because she’s been too busy telling her little stories
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you let it linger?? when i explicitly told you not to???
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i think if you make your apartment look really pretty your landlord should give you a discount on your rent
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a nepotism baby is a person who’s 1/3 strawberry, 1/3 vanilla and 1/3 chocolate
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there’s a subgenre of indie pop which i like to call “chloe music” it can simply be explained as music that sounds like it was sung by a little white girl named chloe
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when shelters name cats stuff like george forman grill and pocket wrench i’m like that is what i’m TALKIN ABOUT
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it’s finally that time of year again. tomorrow hot girl summer rolls out. we are now officially ushering in forlorn girl fall
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I am not overexaggerating when I say that my life was changed when I learned I could put a hat on my horse in Stardew Valley
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tits or ass? bro her sullen disposition. her utter malaise and ennui.
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they call garlic a bulb because it’s a light in the darkness….a beacon of hope through the cold blackness that is the mortifying ordeal of being known
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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just ate a savory snack haha nice now it’s time for a sweet one :) haha nice now it’s time for a savory one :) haha nice now it’s time for a sweet one :) haha nice now it’s time for a savory one :) haha nice now it’s time for a sweet one :) haha nice now it’s time for a savory on
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Orcas have taken to slamming their [up to 18,000 pound] bodies into ships, capsizing them—totally new behavior.
Orca moms have even been proactive in teaching the pod’s calves the skill, encouraging practice on smaller boats💀
Expect more of this from other animals moving fwd.
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this is, quite literally, the plot of the other two
hearing jojo siwa say “i’m entering my new adult, naughty girl phase” while wearing that hat has ruined my entire day
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the preservation has begun
got home last night to my sweet, thoughtful boyfriend surprising me with a fresh batch of brownies. ate a few then left them in the kitchen for an hour and came back to this
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the best part of receiving a bouquet of fresh flowers is taking it around the apartment to pose it for pictures like a doting new parent
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them: you better not be a cunty vaudevillian tomato when i get there
me:
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“black cats are bad luck” ok well you should feel lucky you saw a cat at all LOSER
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met this incredibly strange looking cat on the way to babysit and when i showed her a picture, the 8-year-old i watch not only informed me that she knows this cat but has also named it “mr. business”
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these cupcakes at my local bakery truly took my breath away
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going into a job interview and slow blinking to assert my gentleness in the workplace
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He's not going quietly:
George Santos is spilling the beans on his fellow Republican colleagues, accusing them of drunkenness, adultery, insider trading and more.
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NYC Friends! My bf and I have been fostering sweet 7-year-old Patrick and due to his age, adoption interest has been slow. Patrick is quirky, a total play machine and the ULTIMATE lap cat. He’s a dream WFH buddy and his snaggletooth will melt your heart 🥲 Retweets appreciated!!!
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My cat and I have something called “baby time” which is very simple: It’s when I pick him up and hold him like a little baby
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just saw a cocktail on a menu with burrata water in it ridgewood needs to be STOPPED
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this is how i’m showing up to any plans until april by the way
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(in a job interview)
hiring team: do you have any future goals?
me: i’d like to befriend a flock of crows by exchanging gifts one day
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they midwest emo-ified coraline someone needs to answer for these crimes
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they should make a black mirror episode about how smoke made it too toxic to go outside and then 5 billionaires died on a diy submarine and then the biggest newspaper in the country suggested death as a way to handle student loans then the government made it illegal to be gay and
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whoever saw this thing and named it a grackle really went off that one like that’s absolutely a grackle right there that’s exactly what that is
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(At the club, yelling over the music)
Them: HEY CAN I GET A SIP OF THAT FLASK?
Me: SURE IT’S PASTA WATER
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if you ask me what sights you shouldn’t miss when visiting nyc i’m not going to tell you to go to the empire state building, i’m sending you straight to the william wegman dog mosaic subway station
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cats are either jester coded or royalty coded cat there’s really no in between
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kermit and miss piggy
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I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep. That’s why I’m SO excited to share my classic banana bread recipe-
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the sirens trying to get into the sub down there
Banging sounds are being heard in search for the missing Titanic-tour submarine.
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when i’m still in the middle of a story but the conversation’s pivoting farther away by the second
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i would have worn the shit out of these in 2012 with my little peter pan collars i can tell you that much
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being in a relationship is all about one person accidentally pronouncing something the wrong way once and then both of you referring to it as that for the rest of time
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march is like let’s have a mediocre tuesday but for 31 days straight
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oh you don’t talk to your pets?? ok well how is my cat supposed to know his whiskies are so handsome then???
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@JessCrafternoon
definitely not one of the most devastating lines ever written in tv history that will haunt me for the rest of my days!!!!
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y’all ever seen a butterfly try to snack on some eggs?
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I LOVE little facts about places. If we are at a place, I will tell you a little fact about it
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[me in 1922 laying under a tree, head in my bootlegger bf’s lap] would you still love me if i was a woim?
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if i ever get married i’m going to have the party favors be a single full sized baguette for every guest
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ppl who get a pet cam to see what their guys are doing while they’re out are braver than the troops….whatever is happening in that apartment while i’m not home is simply not my business. that is between them and the old gods
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Since everyone is saying that Paris is overrated, what is a place that lives up to the hype
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when you see a bird pulling a worm up from the ground it’s just like wow that is CLASSIC
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it’s my bday so here’s another pic of me in front of the window in my favorite jumpsuit oh well
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this sandwich must contain no less than 5 ingredients. that’s the rule.
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when i say i’ll show you mine if you show me yours i mean trinkets and knick knacks and baubles and treasures
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