My life is a joke, and I am the punchline

Wearing a jumpsuit: fun! Wearing a jumpsuit and needing to poo: complicated Wearing a jumpsuit, needing to poo, and realizing mid-poo there’s no TP in the stall: a horror story

Don’t shit where I eat? Well, what if I LIKE the taste of my own shit, huh? What then??

It’s come full circle—I may have failed that exam

Is it a good or bad omen to sit down and study in a memorial to bodies donated to the university for science, etched with the words “here, I give you my last breath”?

My covid hot-girl symptom? Bowels more watery than my nose 💅

Texting with other comedians is a frantic race to avoid typos so you can get a joke in before the other person gets there first.

You know it’s October 1st when the mental image of the grim reaper fingerbanging you sends you over the edge

Pissed myself at the dog park—do you think they’ll think I’m one of them?

Is it delulu or inspiring that I truly believe, if given the chance and in their vicinity, I could pull someone famous

Jelly cake fills a hole in my soul I didn’t realize I had

This one’s for @VerdantDisco

Hozier not understanding why women find him hot? Hot.

Every good photo of a man on hinge was taken by his ex—FACT

I think if I were a piece of cutlery, I’d be a spoon. I don’t know EXACTLY how I feel about that, but it’s surprisingly not good???

Jacob Elordi’s mouth is so small; I imagine he struggles eating peas

The only action I get these days is when my housemate’s cat makes biscuits on my boob

I need options

Men who wear beanies in that specific way that makes them ALMOST a kippah? Sluts.

Finally watching The Bear and all I can think is how can this man with no chin be so hot?

He walked/kicked/spun so that he could Ken