*ੈ✧‧₊˚ 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘴! 𝙞 𝙛𝙗 　　　　　　꒰ა 𝐚𝐦𝐞 • 雨 ໒꒱ 　　₊ she/her 5’3, 17→18, gemini 　₊ aus/cn eng/中文/少しの日本語 ❦ • bsd, madoka, nso, kuromi + more 　　　　₊ pro recov! ugw 36kg 　　#shedtwt #edtwt #shtwt ↻ / ❤︎ to be moots!!

when i try to stop b/p but instead the week of b/p-ing turns into a week of straight up binging

so do i kill myself if i gain 5kg in a day..

i don’t want to talk about today nor this whole week i think i’ll go on a month’s liquid fast the second school starts

i did a something to my jaw yesterday it hurts whenever i move and talk :,)

i’m such a revolting human being. i sanitised it and everything but just the knowledge that it’s tarnished sort of makes me disgusted at myself. hate physics, despise gravity. i should start floating and become weightless

my earbud blasting music fell into the sink..where i was purging 😃 fml i don’t even know how it survived that water(?)boarding event

i think earlier i just experienced the the 10th ‘worst symptom of b/p’, obviously not death or cardiac arrest but it was something :,)

is an ed an ed if i only become disordered if my perfect day of eating & exercising gets disrupted? ordered until it is not, or however that works

surprising did not mess up any of my makeup or hair in my b/p today. ik i shouldn’t feel proud but at least i did the wrong action correctly??

my binge triggers are the stupidest things ever: ‘salmon was too salty & it didn’t taste worth it’ ‘i thought i ate more of my salmon-don than my friend who had a tofu one, so they are definitely judging me and want me dead’ ‘didn’t hit my macros’ ‘missed my evening walk’ etc :,)

went downstairs to take stock of the white nectarines and said back ‘i counted, and there’s no more nectarines downstairs okay?’ and my father proceeded to yell at me and told me to shut up for complaining about fruit. sorry for speaking??

b/p-ing expensive pb and choco chips as if i’m actually rich </3 kms i’m a waste of money too

round 2 erm so does life get better or does it just go more to crap

they literally watch me binge and break down and ignore me. it’s easier for them to pretend i don’t exist than for them to accept that their daughter is even human

i love it when they deliberately trigger me because my actual happiness makes me too insufferable to control

b/p-ing again because my mum complained i had too much bread frozen in storage (it was so i could avoid b/p-ing and food anxiety) and now she fricking hates me and i want to die

simply looking at my class schedule makes me want to binge and kms sigh

praying to not bump into my lectures or professors or i might die for real

thought projecting so much because with my lesser-than-goldfish memory if i don’t announce it, i probably wouldn’t even be aware than i can think and be a conscious thing

listening to clown music trying to cheer things up but now my life is even more of a joke. since i can’t really access any degree of useful healthcare, where can i at least sign myself for organ donation so that i’ll be finally useful soon?