Set a one hour time limit for daily social media use, and then spend the other 23 hours texting friends to see what’s happening on social media

“Sorry I behaved that way, I was in a really weird place” me, my entire life

If a prison cell doesn’t get you, the cancer cells will #OJ

Valentine’s Day falling on Ash Wednesday has to be the loneliest day of all time for a single Jew

The most important Usher at the SuperBowl this year is whichever one escorts Taylor Swift to her seat

The security guards at Macys don’t even look like they’re in good enough shape to get away with shoplifting themselves

The most popular rehab in 10 years will be for recovering social media addicts

Not only is Taylor Swift one of the first women to be a billionaire, but she’s also one of the first women to admit that she’s the problem, it’s her

Starting to see results at the gym. Been going to Equinox for a couple months and people are already complimenting me on my sense of humor

If you don’t think Jews control the media and the weather, the second the writers strike ended in NYC, the weather got too bad to do anything but stay home and write

The writers strike makes everyday feel like a Jewish holiday because nobody in Hollywood is working

I think Rosh Hashana is 2 nights because Jewish Moms can’t fit all their criticism of their children into one evening

Synagogues are the only place I don’t have to remind people it’s Rosh Hashana

The only thing I’ve ever built on my own is a sandwich

If you use the phrase “he’s no spring chicken”, you’re definitely no spring chicken

We don’t know if God is a woman but the algorithm definitely is because I can never figure out what it wants

The big difference between comedians and flights is when comedians get canceled they can still take off

Writers: I won’t write until the strike is over! Michael Bay : new movie idea! air pollution in NYC kills everyone!

I live near Times Square so I can barely notice a difference in air quality today

I don’t know if God is a woman but the algorithm definitely is because I can never figure out what it wants