Cruelty Free Manuscript*. *no researchers cried during the writing of this draft.

Cell, Nature, and Science: *rejects my paper*. Me: years of dating has prepared me for this.

Keeping a spray bottle at my desk for when my PI asks for new side projects.

not a student or employee but a mysterious third thing.

Teachers hold too much power. They could make you do an icebreaker at literally any moment.

Him saying he doesn’t know how to fix our relationship and me shaking my head in disappointment because we haven’t even tried 4% formaldehyde yet.

Oh thank god, the experiment failed. For a second there I thought I might have to analyze data.

Omg they actually gave me a phd. The fools.

I'm doing a study to see if having more 1st author papers correlates with increased job opportunities. I am in the control group.

Imagine if papers were titled like movies. Protein Chaperones.Protein Chaperones 2: Aggregates Strike Back.Protein Chaperones 3: The Refoldening.Protein Chaperones 4: Return of ATP.The Final Protein Chaperone.The Final Protein Chaperone (Part 2).A New Protein Chaperone.

Knowledge is knowing that results are based on experimental conditions and variation. Wisdom is knowing the science gods control all.

You become a grad student twice. Once when you're admitted, and again when you forget to add an antibody and don't realize until the bus ride home.

The real lab notebook is the abandoned Google docs we made along the way.

Measuring my thesis each morning to see if it's grown overnight.

I refuse to defend my thesis. It's never going to make it in this world if it doesn't learn to fight for itself.

Profs out here like: yes you can have your phd, but only if you answer my questions three.

The sheer destructive power of a Sunday email from your PI.

*writes literally two sentences*. Wow I've gotten a lot done, I should take a short break. *watches a 2.5 hour movie*.

Crying before the experiment has even produced a result - me, an empath.

We meet again negative data, you raggedy ass bastard.