Broke both yolks when making fried eggs over easy this morning. Can't say I wasn't warned.

Meteorologist here. Three feet of snow combined with fifty mile per hour winds will likely lead to drifting.

Just stubbed my toe. Et tu table leg?

I'm leaving my oven clock on standard time. Rebels don't let The Man push them around.

As soon as I lock in Rob Reiner's endorsement, I'll announce my candidacy for President.

Daylight savings time Sunday, Monday, and Thursday. Standard time Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I solved it, can we move on now?

Somebody threw trash in the ditch in front of my house. Bet it was an Iranian sleeper agent following orders from the evil Ayotolla.

Thinking about throwing out my lucky condom

My kooky neighbor said he was training himself to fly by vigorously flapping his arms. He is also learning to shoot laser beams out of his eyes. If he succeeded he might fly over my house and set it on fire with laser beams someday so I killed him in a preemptive strike.

My ninety-seven year old ninety pound female neighbor told me that someday in the future she might pummel me to death with her bare hands. I shot her in the face to prevent her from acting on her hypothetical plans.

"Crows are very smart birds" I've tried communicating with crows and they are dumb as hell or I am so uninteresting that they are faking it

The plural for Mexican is Beans.

I'll adjust my clock when you pry it from my cold dead hands. And maybe not even then.

Unpleasant things to look at

There is lightning in the area so I will not be answering my corded phone if you are trying to reach me

I was promised tornadoes. Can I at least get a reach-around?

Ayotolla Khameni was mentioned 64 billion times in the Epstein files

It's hard to focus on trivial matters like the war in Iran when the women's NCAA wrestling championship is occuring.

I got your unexploded ordnance right here

These fire ant granules work great. I have never seen so many fire ants.